Newest jokes

What's yellow, has long ears, and grows on

trees?
The Easter Bunana!

Why are you stuffing all that Easter candy into

your mouth?''
''Because it doesn't taste as good if I stuff it
in my ears.''

Would
you like something from my Easter
basket?
''Sure!''
''Here. Have some plastic grass.''

What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?An insurance company.

Q: What's the ultimate rejection?A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Billy was 14 and just started jerkin off. He loved to jerk off. However, one day, his dad walked in on him while he was jerkin off! Billy was so embarrassed. He pulled up his pants as quick as he could. But, his dad already seen him.''Billy,'' said his dad, ''doing that will make you go blind''''Dad,'' he replied, ''I'm over here!''

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day.As they had not been dating very long, it was a very difficult decision.After careful consideration he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves.Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves. His sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time.The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up.The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties.The young man mailed his Valentine's Day gift with the following note:''This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove.''These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely.I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me.Love,Honey Bearp.s. The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing.

One day there were 10 would-be Catholic priests, going through the tests that would make them ministers. The final test required them to all strip butt-naked and standin a row with little bells attached to their ding-dongs, facing a beautiful naked woman. Well, lo and behold one of the bells went off, but when it did, it fell to the ground. As soon as its owner bent over to pick it up, all the 9 remaining bells sounded at once.Yup. Nine more ordained priests added to the Catholic Church.

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMANCaress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, humor, stimulate, stroke, console, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch,entertain,sacrifice for, charm, fascinate, attend, trust, grovel, defend, coax, brag about, understand, clothe, respect, entertain, kill for, commit, snuggle, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize, worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.HOW TO SATISFY A MANShow up naked ..... and bring beer.

A little boy came home from school and his homework assignment was to find out what the difference was between hypothetically and realistically... so he asked his dad.His dad said, ''Well, go ask your mom if she would sleep with the mail man for $1,000,000.He went and asked and came back and said, ''She said yes''.''Well'', said the dad, ''Go ask your sister the same question.''He did and came back and said, ''She said yes.''And the dad said, ''Now go ask your brother the same thing.''He did and came back and said, ''He said yes too!''And the dad said, ''Well hypothetically we're sitting on three million dollars, realistically we're living with 2 whores and a fag!

|A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says ''I want you to see this.'' She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, ''what do you have to say about this experiment?''He responds by saying: ''If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!''

|A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.The seaman asks, ''So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?'' The pirate replies, ''We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.'' ''Wow!'' said the seaman. ''What about your hook''? ''Well'', replied the pirate, ''We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.'' ''Incredible!'' remarked the seaman. ''How did you get the eye patch''? ''A seagull dropping fell into my eye,'' replied the pirate.''You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?,'' the sailor asked incredulously. ''Well,'' said the pirate, ''it was my first day with my hook''

|Our lager,Which art in barrels,Hollowed be thy drink.I will be drunk,At home as in the travern.Give us this day our foamy head,And forgive us our spillages,As we forgive those who spill against us.And lead us not into incarceration,But deliver us from hangerovers.For thine is the beer. he bitter and The lagerForever and ever,Barmen.

|A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. ''Our flag symbolizes our taxes,'' he said. ''We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.'' ''That's the same with us,'' the American said, ''only we see stars, too.''

|Northerners visiting the South Information for Northerners Visiting the Southern StatesIf you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the south, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in life styles:1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel-drive pickup truck with a 12-pack of beer and a towchain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.3. Remember: ''Y'all'' is singular, ''All y'all'' is plural, and ''All y'alls''' is plural possessive.4. Get used to hearing ''You ain't from around here, are ya?''5. You may hear a Southerner say ''Oughta!'' to a dog or child. This is short for ''Y'all oughta not do that!'' and is the equivalent of saying ''No!''6. Don't be worried about not understanding what people are saying; they can't understand you, either.7. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective ''big ol','' as in ''big ol' truck '' or ''big ol' boy.'' Most Northerners begin their new Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.8. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.9. Be advised that ''He needed killin''' is a valid defense here.10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim ''Hey, y'all, watch this,'' stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.11. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.12. When you come upon a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks here learn to drive on a John Deere, and that this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle

|An old Native American wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker. The banker pulled out the loan application, asking, ''What are you going to do with the money?'' ''Take jewelry to city and sell it,'' said the old man. ''What have you got for collateral?'' queried the banker, going strictly by the book. ''Don't know of collateral.'' ''Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?'' ''Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup.'' The banker shook his head, ''How about livestock?'' ''Yes, I have a horse.'' ''How old is it?'' ''I don't know; it has no teeth.'' Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, ''Here's the money to pay loan,'' he said, handing the entire amount including interest. ''What are you going to do with the rest of that money?'' ''Put it in my pocket.'' ''Why don't you deposit it in my bank?'' he asked. ''I don't know of deposit.'' ''Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it.'' The old Indian leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked, ''What you got for collateral?''

A professor of a Freshman Psychology course had a class of 400 students. His final exam was scheduled very early 8am-10am.The professor told his students that his final was not a cumulative final and just covered the information since the last midterm, so in essence, the final was just like a midterm and would only require 1 hour of the 2 hour alloted time. The professor told the students to bring a large Blue Book (fyi: a Blue Book is a standard testing tool used throughout many universities. It's basically a thin 10 blank pages of college ruled notebook paper with a blue cover. They are purchased at the student book store.) The professor was adament that the students were only going to have 1 hour and not one minute more to complete the essay style exam.The students requested the exam to begin at 9am instead of 8am since they only had an hour. The professor denied the request because the professor prefered to use the second hour to begin grading the exams. The students moaned at the idea of waking up early. On the morning of the exam, the test began at 8:10. At 8:35, a student walked in and picked up the test questions from the professor. The professor told the student he wouldn't have enough time to complete the test. The student replied ''Yes I will.''At 9:10, the professor stopped the test and all the students turned in their blue books as they exited the room. The late student continued to write. The professor began grading some the exams.At 9:35, the student walked up to the desk to hand in his exam, and the professor told him it was unacceptable. The student in a surprised manner asked the professor, ''Do you know who I am?'' The professor replied, ''No, and I don't care.''The student said, ''Good,'' and he stuffed his exam in the middle of the stack of 300 blue books. ''Have a nice Summer'' said the student as he left the room.

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?A: A stick!

A man has been married to his wife for over 20 years and during the past 5 years he has been unable to obtain an erection. He feels just horrible because he is unable to have sex with his wife. He fears his wife may leave him for another man.Out of desperation the man has gone to every doctor and expert in the area. Despite numerous tests and suggested remedies, no reason for his impotence can be found and no cure has worked.The man decides to share his problem with his best friend. His best friend gets all excited and says, ''I know who can help you! There is mystic and he was able to help someone else I know with the same problem! You must go see him!''So the man takes his friend's advice and goes to visit this curious mystic. The man explains his problem, the mystic looks him over and says, ''Ah, yes, indeed I can offer a temporary cure.''The man is just elated, he tells the mystic, ''Whatever it is, please do it! I want to be able to have sex with my wife, please!''So the mystic nods his head, does a strange dance around the man while murmuring odd sounds, claps his hands and says, ''All done. Now, sir, you will be able to bring on an erection immediately upon counting to three: one, two, three. Do not count to three until you want your erection. Your erection will continue to last until the count of four is heard: one, two, three, four. After that, you will not be able to obtain an erection again no matter what.''The man is just so excited, he leaves the mystic and heads home. All he can think about is that tonight he will be having sex again and giving his wife the love session of her life. He cannot wait to surprise her with his eager hard-on that will last and last and last.That evening, the man is lying in bed waiting for his beautiful wife to walk out of the bathroom and crawl into bed beside him. ''How much longer will you be?'', he inquires in a lound voice from the bed.''Almost done sweetie.'', his wife responds from the bathroom.The man gazes down at his penis and counts outloud: ''One, two, three''. Sure enough, his penis stiffens into a grand hard-on.The wife then hollars from the bathroom: ''Honey, what did you say 'one, two, three,' for?''