Newest jokes

How to write a paper1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.4. Stop off at the third floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it our of the way so you can concentrate.8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.9. Listen to your favourite cd and that's it, I mean it, assoon as it's over you are going to start that paper.10. Listen to your other favourite cd.11. Rearrange all of your cds into alphabetical order.12. Phone your friend on the third floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, the world at large.13. Sit in a straight, comfortale chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savorits special flavor.15. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon, is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: a) Pro Bowler's Tour b) any movie starring Don Ameche.16. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.19. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.21. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench- coated strangers lurking in the hall.22. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the hell of it.24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.25. Lie face down on the floor and moan.26. Leap up and write the paper.

A Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Over the public address system, the Captain announces: ''Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Ourengines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. This island appears to be uncharted; I amunable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never berescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if notfor the rest of our lives. A few minutes later the plane lands safely onthe island, whereupon Morris turns to his wife and asks, ''Esther, didwe pay our pledge to the Yeshiva yet?'' No Morris!'' she responded.Morris smiles, then asks, ''Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?'' ''Oy no, I forgot to send the check!!'' Now Morris laughs. ''One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our TempleBuilding Fund check this month?'' ''Oy Morris I forgot that one too!'' Now Morris is practically choking with laughter. Esther asks Morris,''So what are you smiling and laughing about?Morris responds, ''They'll find us.''

Did you hear about the lawyer whose divorce
ended up
in a nasty custody fight about a dog? When the lawyer won,
the dog bit
him.

Q: How many divorcees does it take to change a

lightbulb ?
A: None. The sockets all went with the house.

A farmer goes to the patent office to patent a peach, and the patent officer says- ''you can't patent a peach, the peach has already been patented!''And the farmer says, ''Oh no. Not THIS kind of peach. Go ahead, try it!'' So the patent officer takes a bite, and then- ''oh, wow! This is so good! It tastes like- blackberry pie!''And the farmer says ''Yeah, and Do you like vanilla ice cream?Well then you gotta flip it over & try the other side''.So the patent officer does and he's like-''Man! that really does taste like vanilla ice cream!I can't believe it!''So then the farmer looks around a bit and lowers his voice almost to a whisper, and says: ''Psst! Have you ever tasted pussy?'' ''Oh yeah, I've eaten plenty of pussy!'' ''And you like it, right?'' ''Yeah I LOVE the taste of pussy'' says the patent officer, starting to get excited.The farmer says, ''OK, then take a bite, right there'' So the patent officer takes this HUGE bite, and then his eyes widen & he spits it out all over the place.''Oh, Yuck! That tasted like SHIT!'' & the farmer says ''shoot,...I'm sorry- flip it over & try the other side!''

An engineering student is walking on campus one day, when another engineer student rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.''Where did you get such a functional bike?'' asked the first.The second engineer replied: ''Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, spread her arms wide and said: ''Take what you want.''The second engineer nodded approvingly: ''Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit.''

I've been invited to an avoidance.
An
avoidance? What's that?
It's a dance for people who hate each
other.

My granddaughter came to spend a few

weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew. After I had gone through

a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped
back,
put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, ''You mean you
can do
all that, but you can't operate my Game Boy?''

Andy was away from school for 2 days because
he
had a flu. On the third day when he went back to school, his
teacher
told him how he felt.
I feel with my hands Miss !

Teacher: I wished you would pay a little
attention
Pupil: I'm paying as little as I can !

Teacher: In what part of the
world are the
people most ignorant ?
Pupil: Hong Kong
Teacher: Why do you say
that ?
Pupil: That's where the atlas says the population is most
dense !

Where will a springer spaniel never shop?
At a
flea market!

Alsation: How did you find the fleas?
Beagle:
I didn't! They found me!

What do you call an alcoholic dog ?
A whino
!

|The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, ''What do you have in there, pal?''''A mongoose.''''What for?''''Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection.'' ''But,'' the friend said, ''you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes.'' ''That's okay,'' said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, ''So is the mongoose.''

|It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers.''Are you Mr. Johnson?'' the asked? He admitted that he was.''Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?'' Again, the man admitted that was he.''And what did you do then,'' the troopers asked.'' The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.''Where is your car now?'' the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage.''May we see the car?'' asked the troopers. The man answered, ''Sure,'' and opened the garage.Inside the garage was the state troopers car.

|A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is donem the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.''But I paid, don't you remember?'' says the customer. ''Okay,'' says the bartender, ''If you said you paid, you did.'' The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.The barkeep replies, ''If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it.'' Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, ''You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose.'' ''Don't bother me with your troubles,'' the final patron responds. ''Just give me my change and I'll be on my way.''

|One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.''What's the matter?'' the bartender asks.''My wife and I got into a fight,'' explained the guy ''and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days.'' The bartender thought about this for a while. ''But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?'' asked the bartender.''Yeah, except today is the last night.''

|A man had been out in the back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didn't smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for a few beers.In the bar, he saw the local jock of the town's football team. He was bragging about his girlfriend and how she was lucky to have him for a boyfriend.The lumberjack, after drinking six bottles of beer, was heard to say, ''Buddy, if she went out with me, she'd never go out with you ever again.''To which the local jock replied, ''Hey buddy, if she went out with you, she'd never go out with ANYONE ever again.''

|Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance... Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink... Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke... Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters... Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage... Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place... Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight... Only in America...do we use the word ''politics'' to describe the process so well: ''Poli'' in latin meaning ''many'' and ''tics'' meaning ''blood-sucking creatures''...