Newest jokes

Should I have a baby after 35?No, 35 children is enough.

Some beauty parlors do a great job.One young man followed a young womanfor twenty blocks. Then he found outit was his grandmother.

What's the difference between a barmaid inthe evening and a barmaid at night?A barmaid in the evening is fair and buxom.A barmaid at night is bare and ....Sent by Jennifer

A woman participating in a survey was askedhow she felt about condoms. She said, ''Depends on what's in it for me.''

Q: What do you call a man who marries an old, ugly
and
poor woman?
A: Desperate!

Anytime you see a young man open a car door for

his girlfriend, either the car is new or the girlfriend is.

Men don't
get lost; they discover alternative
destinations.

If you didn't get caught, did you
really do it?

If
you try to fail, and succeed,
which have you done?

If CON is the opposite of PRO, is

congress the opposite of progress?

If fire fighters fight fire and crime

fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?

You know how most packages say ''Open
here''. What is the protocol
if the package says, ''Open somewhere
else''?

Q) What does a vibrator and soybeans have in common?A)They are both meat substitutes!!!!

What do a Blonde and KFC have in common?After your done with the breast and the thigh all you have left is a greasy bucket to stick your bone into.

Isn't it fnuny taht yuo cna sitll raed tihs massege enve touhgh ist speelld inocretcly?OLL! :p

R.A.P.:RetardsAttemptingPoetry

The Unofficial Manual for Graduate Teaching Assistants Teaching Introductory Computer Science Courses for Non-majors LATE HOMEWORK When a student turns in his/her project two weeks late and asks for full credit, accept the late work and tell them that it will be awarded full credit. However, do inform them that you will not have time to grade it until after you complete your Ph.D. DISRUPTIVE STUDENTS 1. If students will not stop talking when the class period begins, announce that there will be a quiz the following day on today's lecture. Then leave. 2. If your students are prone to reading the school paper in class, try taking out a full page ad in the paper informing them that they are going to flunk your class. LECTURES 1. In the event that you are unprepared for a lecture, be sure to use the class time to stress to the class the importance of keeping up with the readings. In fact, spend most of the class time stressing this. 2. When the time comes to lecture on a subject you know nothing about, the art of controlled digression is invaluable. Here, you try to incite unrelated questions from the class which you answer at length. Then at the end of class scold them for digressing and tell them they'll just have to get the material from the book. GRADING 1. Always use a fire engine red felt-tip marker with a 1/2 inch tip to grade papers. Position your comments strategically so that they spell ''DUMB'' when seen from a distance. 2. You may grade assignments however you like. Here is a guide to quick and easy grading: 20 % Name 20 % Penmanship 50 % Homework is stapled together 10 % The work itself Warning: Be prepared for a 60% class average. GRADING ERRORS If student A approaches you complaining that an answer on their exam was marked incorrect but was marked correct on student B's exam, promptly mark student B's answer incorrect as well. This will redirect the heat from you onto student A. EXTRA CREDIT 1. If students request extra credit to make up for the homework they didn't turn in, be sure to make the opportunity available to them. Some good extra credit problems are: Solve the dining philosopher's problem, using semaphores. Write a C compiler for the Commodore 64. Translate Moby Dick into ASCII-8 code with a leftmost odd parity bit. Design a replacement for the 80486 chip. Build a File Allocation Table (FAT) out of balsa wood. 2. You may also wish to tell the student that they can do extra credit work while you decide whether to accept it. When the student turns in the work, decide against it. CHEATING 1. When it is obvious to you that several people have copied each other's homework, grade one person's work on a separate sheet of paper, then photocopy your comments onto everyone else's homework. 2. Should you have very skilled cheaters in your class, try giving incorrect information during your lectures. This should result in incorrect answers on exams. Examples that have proven effective include: The three components of a computer system are Larry, Moe and Curly. The only possible digits in the binary system are 0, 1, and 2. The three components of the CPU are the ALU, REGISTERS and cheap bathroom lighting fixtures. The microphone is an output device. ''Booting'' the computer involves waving a large magnet over your hard drive for 60 seconds. MS-DOS is the operating system for the CRAY Y-MP. When preparing to purchase a new computer system running Windows, you should make sure it has at least 128,000 bytes of main memory. Protocols include saluting your computer and calling the mouse ''sir''. CPU stands for Ceramic Public Urinal. Structured Programming says that you can write any computer program using only three basic control structures: Sequence, Selection and Guessing. LAB You are expected to spend at least 4 hours each week in the lab to assist with student's questions. Students have been known to come up with some real beauties: ''Why should I save it? I wasn't done yet.'' ''My disk erased itself!'' ''Hurry up, I need help. This was due last week.'' ''Directory? What's that?'' ''What do I need my textbook for? I'm using a computer.'' Here are the solutions to the most common problems: P: ''The screen is blank - I can't see what I'm doing'' S: Turn on the monitor P: ''How do I get into Windows?'' S: Stare at it long enough and it will start to look like candy. P: ''I can't get this computer to do anything.'' S: Have them move to a computer that has a keyboard. P: ''The stupid printer printed the wrong file.'' S: Reprimand the printer. P: ''WordPerfect didn't do what I told it to do.'' S: Tell them they have to earn its respect first.

Teaching The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member). A smart-ass student pipes up: ''What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?'' The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: ''Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand.''

A case for the Third Universal Cardinal Rule of Thumb: Never be absolute, unless absolutely necessary: A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. ''In English,'' he said, ''A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'' A voice from the back of the room piped up, ''Yeah, right.''

SAT score decayAs we all know SAT scores have been on the decline for years.The following may be the reason why.A math problem in the 60'sA logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of this price. What is his profit?A math problem in the 70'sA logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of porduction is four-fifths of this price, or $80. What is his profit?A math problem in the 70's using New MathA logger exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1. Make 100 dots representing the elements of set M. The set C of the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set M, and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set P of profits?A math problem in the 80'sA logger sells a truckload of wood for $100. His cost of production is $80, and his profit is $20. Your assignment: underline the number 20.A math problem in the 90's under Outcome Based Education.By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of living? (Topic for class participation: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel?)