Newest jokes

Mary Jane was walking on the beach one day and saw a shark swimming around a man. The man was screaming, ''Help me! Help me!''Mary Jane laughed and laughed! She knew that the shark was never going tohelp that man!

Why is Dick Clark a
favourite star with
horses?
Because he was a disk jockey from Filly!

Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the
horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the
horse and
you can kiss your money goodbye!

What's yellow and flashes?
A banana with a
loose connection.

|This is an actual account by a worker at a technical support and service center. One particular customer had an old console-type machine with a print head that would ride back and forth on a spiral shaft. They also had a big bushy cat who liked to sit on the edge of the printer next to the operator.Well, one day we got a service call that said, ''Cat caught in machine, come quick!''When I arrived I saw everyone sitting around mending their various wounds, scratches and contusions. No sight of the cat. It appears that while they were running the machine the cat was twirling his tail in his usual fashion and stuck it down into the printer at the most inopportune time and got sucked in! Apparently, the cat absolutely freaked out and clawed at everyone who came close. They finally freed the cat, and to this day, the cat goes nowhere near the machine.

|There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.The police chief asks, ''What were the people doing on the bus?''The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around; meaning the people were dancing and having fun.The chief asks, ''Yeah, but what else were they doing?''.The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.The chief says, ''Oh! They were drinking, huh??!'' The chief continues, ''Okay, were they doing anything else?''The monkey nods his head and moves his mouth back and forth, meaning they were talking.The chief loses his patience, ''If they were having such a great time, who was driving the stupid bus then?''The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides as if grabbing a wheel.

|A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door.''An' wot's this then?'' he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins. ''You dumb dog.'' As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket.The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day.The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb.''Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know?''Again, the dog growls menacingly. ''Alright, alright,'' as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog.''Hey, what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there,'' comments the butcher.''He's a stupid dog--that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key.

|This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your dog when he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an assignment. A. Fill in the blanks1. [xxx] is not food.Spiders; bandaids; ivy and airplane plants; Xmas ornaments; the carved jack-o-lantern; plants from the aquarium; cat litter box contents; laundry detergent boxes (esp. not when full!); toothpaste (tube and all); remote controls; linoleum; eyeglasses; books; stockings; the tar shingles on my house; chicken wire; bizarre plants; disposable razors; rocks; Lego; dirty Kleenex; the baby's used diaper; Christmas stockings; soda pop cans; fiberglass insulation stuffed up the chimney; the underwear in the clothes hamper; Mommy's hair accessories; Mommy's catnip teabags; unopened honey packets; staples; Christmas stockings; credit cards, CDs, and other thin plastic things.2. I will not lift my leg to the [xxx].Anything growing in the vegetable garden; house corner; new boyfriend; mailman; woodstove; subordinate pack members; Grandma's plush chair; the conformation judge; good-looking neighbour man that Mommy is trying to impress; Daddy in the lawn chair.3. I recognize that [xxx] has a right to exist.The humans' shoes; the human's cats; the aquarium; 3rd grade art projects (even if they are made of macaroni shells); the other dog(s); the TV remote control; the human's little humans; the bath mitt; Rolling Stone magazine; large patterns on wallpaper;4. [xxx] is not a toy.The humans' shoes; the human's cats; the humans' pet cockatiel; newly planted iris bulbs; pillows and blankets from the bed; laundry (dirty OR clean); aquarium plants; stuffed animals from on top of the chest of drawers; pillows and blankets from the newly made bed; the hose that's filling the kiddie pool; the humans' Nerf footballs; human's underwear; Mommy and Daddy's ferrets.5. I will not chew the [xxx].Human's homework; human's papers s/he has to mark; remote control; cardboard around the laundry detergent; handles to the lawn tools; garage door; kitchen cabinets; food left within reach on the couch; the mini-human's *full* bottle even though it conveniently fell in front of me from the crib; horse's new saddle; wall; carpet; deck; couch; sofa cushions; expensive paperbacks.6. I will not bark at [xxx].Plastic bags on the ground; the new plow blade on my owner's truck when it is parked; the wind; thunder; the road grader; Daddy's new Santa bear toy (which was innocently sitting on a chair, and had been there for hours before Molly noticed it and took umbrage); tissue paper being blown along the floor by air from the furnace; the spring doorstop when I or the kid flips it and makes it go DOooiiiiinnnnnng; my mother's clean laundry thrown on top of the bed, even if the room is dark and it looks like someone sleeping there; the ball I just pushed into an inaccessible crevice all by myself; the fox/skunk/cat/deer out in the yard at any time after midnight, especially on a work night; the fire hydrant on the corner when out for a walk at night; the car radio; the answering machine lady when she says the date/time; the ice cube that slid under the fridge; the rawhide chewbone that I'm making no headway on; absolutely nothing (especially after 11 PM).7. I will not dig [xxx].Under the stove (and through the linoleum); under the sidewalk until it collapses; the carpet; a hole under the porch and then get stuck under it; under my master's pillow at 2 AM to retrieve the bone I hid there earlier; a swimming pool in the back yard;

What did the fireman say when the church

caught on fire?
''Holy smoke!''

What happens when geese land in a volcano ?

They cook their own gooses !

Why does a rooster watch TV ?
For
hentertainment !

What do you get if you cross a chicken
with a
cement mixer ?
A brick-layer !

Why do ducks have webbed feet ?
To stamp out
forest fires !

What do they call a bunch of Mississippi
football
players standing in a circle holding hands?
A dope ring.

How can you tell a Minnesota hockey fan?

Ask him what color the blue line is and wait. It may take him ten

minutes to answer.

Two Kentucky psychology majors were walking

through the campus. ''Do you consider a 1441.Q. high?'' ''Yes!'' ''For the

whole basketball team?''

Jeb and Eudell, University of
Michigan
athletes, were driving from Ann Arbor to Cleveland. Just outside
the
city limits they saw a sign: ''CLEAN REST ROOMS.'' By the time they

got to Cleveland, they'd cleaned 147 Johns.

How many Buckeye
football players does it
take to change a lightbulb?
One. But he gets three hours credit.

What
happened to the man who tried
to cross a lioin with a goat ?
He had to get a new goat !

Why was the lion-tamer fined ?
He
parked on a yellow lion !