Newest jokes

What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?Put the remote control between his toes.

Q:What did the man say when he walked into a bar?A:OUCH!Sent by Sarah

Q. Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?A. In the pages of a romance novel.

A doctor of psychology was doing his

normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found
Patient
#1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in
half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.


The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient

replied, ''Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?'' The

doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1
replied,
''Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks
he's a
lightbulb.'' The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's
face is going
all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, ''If he's
your friend, you should get him
down from there before he hurts
himself''

Patient #1 replies, ''What? And work in the dark?''

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. ''Doc, I
keep
having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee;
then I'm
a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's
driving me
crazy. What's wrong with me?'' The doctor replies: ''It's
very simple.
You're two tents.''

My therapist told me the way to achieve

true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I
have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel
better already.

Mary was having a tough day
and had
stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she
thought
to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.

She moaned to
her mom and brother, ''Nobody loves me ... the whole
world hates
me!''

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up
at her
and passed on this encouraging word: ''That's not true,
Mary. Some
people don't even know you.''

A man is strolling past the mental
hospital and suddenly
remembers an important
meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late
or not.
Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the

hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, ''Pardon
me, sir, but do you
have the time?''

The patient calls back,
''One moment!'' and throws himself upon the
ground, pulling out a
short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the
ground, and,
pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the
stick is
vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel
ruler,
measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the
stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient
calculates
rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to
the
pedestrian, saying, ''It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided
today is August 16th,
which I believe it is.''

The man
can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets
his watch
accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, ''That was
really quite
remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy
day, or at night, when
the stick casts no shadow?'' The patient holds
up his wrist and says,
''I suppose I'd just look at my watch.''

How did the bootician style the ghost's hair?

With a scare dryer!

Why is a ghost like an empty house?
Because
there's no body there!

Q. How can you tell when a Jewish girl has an orgasm?A. She drops her nail file.

How to predict weather in Seattle: If you can

see Mt Ranier, it's going to rain. If not, it already is.

What
happens when the fog lifts in
California? UCLA.

Zoo Keeper:''I've lost one of my

elephants''
Other Zoo Keeper:''Why don't you put an advert in the paper?''
Zoo
Keeper:''Don't be silly, he can't read!''

A father and his small son were standing in front

of the tiger's cage at the zoo. Father was explaining how
ferocious
and strong tigers are, and junior was taking it all in with a
serious
expression. Dad,'' the boy said finally, ''if the tiger got out
of his
cage and ate you up ...''
''Yes, son?'' the father said
expectantly. ''What bus should I take
home?'' the boy finished.

You don't see many reindeer in zoos, do
you?
No. They can't afford the admission.

Moon MissionNASA is launching a rocket to the moon. On board there are two pigs and Kiki, a stunning blonde. When the rocket is outside the stratosphere, the first stage drops off.Contact is made: ''Houston here, Pig 1, Pig 1, do you read us? Over.''''Oink, oink, here Pig 1, read you loud and clear.''''Pig 1, do you still know your instructions?''''Yes, when we get to the moon, I press the red button to initiate the moon landing. Over.''''That's right. Over and out.''They go on until the rocket separates its booster stage.''Hello, Pig 2? Come in please.''''Oink, oink, here Pig 2, read you loud and clear.''''OK, Pig 2 do you remember your instructions?''''Yes, when we've landed on the moon and are ready to leave, I press on the green button to initiate the launch program.''''That's right, Pig 2. Over and out.''An hour later, when the rocket has achieved the correct speed the last stage drops off as planned. Ground control contacts the astronauts again.''Houston here, Kiki, come in. Kiki do you read us?''''Kiki here, reading you loud and clear.''''Kiki, do you remember your instructions?''''Yes,'' Kiki says, ''I feed the two pigs and keep my hands off any buttons.''

Why do blondes like blonde jokes?It makes them feel popular.

What did one of the blonde's legs say to the other one? Between you and me we could make a lot of money!

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.The officer wants to ask her a few questions.... Officer: What's 2+2? Blonde: Ummmmm... 4! Officer: What's the square root of 100? Blonde: Ummmm... 10! Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln? Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno. Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow. The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, ''Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!''