Newest jokes

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back

on the ranch about his
first visit to a big-city church. ''When
I got there, they had me park
my
old truck in the corral,'' Joe
began.
''You mean the parking lot,'' interrupted Charlie, a more
worldly
fellow.
''I walked up the trail to the door,'' Joe continued.

''The sidewalk to the door,'' Charlie corrected him.
''Inside the
door, I was met by this dude,'' Joe went on.
''That would be the
usher,'' Charlie explained.
''Well, the usher led me down the chute,'' Joe
said.
''You mean the aisle,'' Charlie said.
''Then, he led me to a
stall and told me to sit there,'' Joe continued.
''Pew,'' Charlie
retorted.
''Yeah,'' recalled Joe. ''That's what that pretty lady said
when I sat
down
beside her.''

Teacher: When do
astronauts eat?
Pupil:
At launch time!

A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are

to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought
to
the gas chamber. The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last
request,
to which the cowboy replies, ''Ah shore do, wardn. Ah'd be
mighty
grateful if'n yoo'd play 'Achy Breaky Heart' fur me
bahfore ah hafta
go.''

''Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that,'' says
the warden. He turns to
the biker, ''And you, biker, what's your
last request?''

''That you kill me first.''

The cowboy
was trying to buy a health
insurance policy. The insurance agent was
going down the list of standard
questions.

''Ever have an accident?''

''Nope, nary a
one.''

''None? You've never had any accidents.''

''Nope. Ain't
never had one. Never.''

''Well, you said on this form you were bit by
a snake once. Wouldn't
you consider that an
accident?''

''Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose.''

Zoo visitor: What's the new
baby hippo's
name? Hippopotamus keeper: I don't know, he won't tell
me.

Q. Why is the book ''Women Who Love Too Much'' a disappointment for many men?A. No phone numbers.

|A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver ''What's that building there?'' ''That's the Royal York Hotel'' replied the cabbie. ''The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?'' asked the Texan. ''About 12 years'' replied the cabbie.''12 years? We build 'em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months.'' A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. ''What's that building over there?'' asked the Texan. ''That's the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre'' replied the cabbie. ''Convention Centre? How long'd it take to build that?'' asked the Texan. ''About three years'' replied the cabbie. ''Three years? We build 'em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks.'' Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower. ''What's that building there?'' asks the Texan, pointing at the tower. ''Danged if I know'' replied the cabbie, ''It wasn't here when I drove by yesterday.''

|Facts about Americans. Did you know that . . .Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up tohigher denominations.13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring's homework.91% of us lie regularly.27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the highprices of snack foods.90% believe in divine retribution.10% believe in the 10 Commandments.82% believe in an afterlife.45% believe in ghosts.13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over 2 years old.35% give to charity at least once a month.How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends,family, and church. 7% would murder.69% eat the cake before the frosting.When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.85% of us will eat Spam this year.70% of us drink orange juice daily.Snickers is the most popular candy.22% of us skip lunch daily.9% of us skip breakfast daily.66% of us eat cereal regularly.22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.45% use mouthwash every day.22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.The typical shower is 101 degrees F.Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.58% of women paint their nails regularly.33% of women lie about their weight.10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.57% have had deja vu.49% believe in ESP.44% have broken a bone.Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.14% have attended a self-help meeting.15% regularly go to a shrink.78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.29% of us ignore RSVP.71.6% of us eavesdrop.22% are functionally illiterate.Less than 10% are trilingual.37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.56% of women do the bills in a marriage.2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up their spouse even for a night for a million U.S. dollars.20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.40% of us have had music lessons.44% reuse tinfoil.57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken creditfor doing it from scratch.53% read their horoscopes regularly.16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).59% of us say we're average-looking.Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.2 out of 5 have married their first love.The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.6% propose over the phone.71% can drive a stick-shift car.45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.12% of men never use their car blinkers.44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.25% of us drive after we've been drinking.4 out of 5 sing in the car.

|A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, ''The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die.'' The Frenchman says, ''I take ze sword.'' The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, ''Vive la France!'' and runs himself through. The Englishman says, ''a pistol for me please.'' The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, ''God save the queen!'' and blows his brains out. The New Yorker says, ''Gimme a fork!'' The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, ''My God, what are you doing?'' And the New Yorker responds, ''So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!

What do you call a blonde that just came out of the closet?The Hide and Seek champion of 1992.

A blonde and a brunette are living together. The brunette came home from work one day and the blonde had a rope around her waist. The brunette asked why the rope was around her waist. The blonde said that she was trying to commit suicide. The brunette said, ''You put it around your neck!'' The blonde replied, ''I tried that but I couldn't breathe!''

Judi went to a ''Dude Ranch'' on vacation. The cowboypreparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western orEnglish saddle.Judi asked what the difference was.''Well, one has a horn and the other doesn't.''''Just get the one without the horn. I don't thinkwe'll run into too much traffic out here.''

I'm not so sure evolution is indeed a valid theory. I mean, thinkabout it -- if it were, wouldn't all blondes have grown handlesby now?

What have a blonde and a computer got in common?You don't realise how much you miss them until they go down on you!Sent by Tiggsy

Where do cars get the most
flat
tires?
Where there is a fork in the road.

What kind of car drives over
water?
Any kind of car, if it goes over a bridge.

Who drives away all of his
customers?
A taxicab driver.

What kind of ears do trains
have?
Engineers (engine ears).

What driver doesn't have a

license?
A screw driver.

How are husbands like lawn mowers?They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.