Newest jokes

I
really don't understand why the federal
government was so slow to send
aid to the areas hit by Hurricane
Andrew. After all, both Florida and
Louisiana have oil.

The U.S. has only three hurricane warning
centers
- Coral Gables, FL, Guam, and Honolulu, HI (recently
completed). All
three have faced Category 4 hurricanes in the past month.
Which only goes
to show: If you build it, they will come!

Where do wind gusts go to on
dates?


-To Chicago

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlightsbroken and considerable damage. There's no sign of theoffending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's anote stuck under the windshield wiper.''Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who sawthe accident are nodding and smiling at me because they thinkI'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not.''

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates. ''Fifty dollars for three questions,'' replied the lawyer. ''Isn't that awfully steep?'' asked the man. ''Yes,'' the lawyer replied, ''and what was your third question?''

At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge.The judge said, ''State your name, occupation, and the charge.''The defendant said, ''I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery.''The judge winced and said, ''Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!''

Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead.''Damn,'' he says. ''I forgot to lock the office safe before we left.'' His partner replies '' What are you worried about? We're both here.''

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?How many can you afford?

What Central American country has the
most
spooks?
Ghosta Rica!

|The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, ''What'll you have?'' The guy answers, ''A scotch, please.'' The bartender hands him the drink, and says ''That'll be five dollars,'' to which the guy replies, ''What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this.''A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, ''You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.''The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, ''Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again.''The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, ''What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!'' The guy says, ''What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!'' The bartender replies, ''I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.''To which the guy replies, ''Thank you. Make it a scotch.''

|A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.The barman refuses to serve him. ''Why not,'' asks the golf club.''You'll be driving later,'' replies the bartender.

What's the difference between a bull and a cow?A bull smiles when you milk it.

Q: What do you get when you breed a Bulldog and a Shitzu together?A: Bullshit

What is grey and comes in quarts?An Elephant.

Q. If you're American in the kitchen, what are you in the bathroom?A. European.

There were three elderly men sitting in wheelchairs on the porch one sunny afternoon. They were ten years apart in ages.One was 60, another 70 and the last 80 years old.The 60 yo, started complaining. He said ''I wish I could just piss all at once and not dribble, dribble, dribble all day and night.''The 70 year old then said, ''I don't have that problem. I just wish I could take one good dump and not ooze, ooze, oooze all day and night. The 80 year old started laughing at the other two. He said, ''I don't have any of those problems!'' ''At 7:00 a.m. I take a good piss, at 9:00 a.m. I take a good shit.''My only problem is that...I don't wake up until noon!''

-What makes Britain so strong? -It´s the two-party system. One bigparty on every friday and another big party on every saturday

Q. Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice? A. Beacause it said''concentrate!''

|My other wife is beautiful.My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it.My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!My wife says if I go fishing one more time she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. -- PJ O'RourkeNo man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. -- Honore de BalzacNothing says loving like marrying your cousin! -- Al BundyI had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

A police officer saw a man dressed as a cowboy

in the street, complete with huge stetson hat, spurs, and six
shooters.
''Excuse me, sir,'' said the police officer, ''who are
you?''
''My name's Tex, officer,'' said the cowboy.
'' eh?'' said the police
officer, ''Are you from Texas?''
''Nope, Louisiana.''
''Louisiana? So
why are you called Tex?''
''Don't want to be called Louise, do I .