Newest jokes

Who invented the telephone?
The
Phoenicians (phone-itions).

How do Iranians speak on the

telephone?
Persian-to-Persian (person-to-person).

How do you make a dog
float?
Take two
scoops of ice cream, a couple of squirts of soda and a small
dog.

What dogs never get lost?
Newfound-lands!

How can you make a basset hound fast?
Take
away its food!

What dog sweats the most and drinks the most

water?
A hot-weiler!

What should you do if you have a basset hound over
for
dinner?
Have a short table!

A car was involved in an accident in a

street. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter,
anxious to
get his story could not get near the car.

Being a
clever sort, he started shouting loudly, ''Let me through! Let
me
through! I am the son of the victim.''

The crowd made way for
him.

Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife
and
mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the
Mrs awoke to
find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she
insisted on them both
trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up
his rifle, took a swig
of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a
clearing not far from the
camp, they came upon a hilling sight: the
mother-in-law was backed up
against a thick, impenetrable bush, and
a large male lion stood facing
her. The wife cried, ''What are we
going to do?'' ''Nothing,'' said the
hunter husband. ''The lion got
himself into this mess, let him get
himself out of it.''

Some men go on a hunting
trip and separate
into pairs. That
evening one hunter, Sam, returned to camp alone
toting a 12
point buck. ''Where's George?'' one of the men asked,
noticing
that Sam had returned alone.

''He's about 6 miles back.
He tripped and broke his ankle. I left
him there 'cause I figured
ain't nobody 'bout to steal him.''

|Theorem: e=1Proof:2*e = f2^(2*pi*i)e^(2*pi*i) = f^(2*pi*i)e^(2*pi*i) = 1Therefore:2^(2*pi*i) = f^(2*pi*i)2=fThus:e=1

|Theorem: 1 = 1/2:Proof:We can re-write the infinite series 1/(1*3) + 1/(3*5) + 1/(5*7) + 1/(7*9)+...as 1/2((1/1 - 1/3) + (1/3 - 1/5) + (1/5 - 1/7) + (1/7 - 1/9) + ... ).All terms after 1/1 cancel, so that the sum is 1/2.We can also re-write the series as (1/1 - 2/3) + (2/3 - 3/5) + (3/5 - 4/7)+ (4/7 - 5/9) + ...All terms after 1/1 cancel, so that the sum is 1.Thus 1/2 = 1.

|Prove that the crocodile is longer than it is wide.Lemma 1. The crocodile is longer than it is green: Let's look at the crocodile. It is long on the top and on the bottom, but it is green only on the top. Therefore, the crocodile is longer than it is green.Lemma 2. The crocodile is greener than it is wide: Let's look at the crocodile. It is green along its length and width, but it is wide only along its width. Therefore, the crocodile is greener than it is wide.From Lemma 1 and Lemma 2 we conclude that the crocodile is longer than it is wide.

What happened when the
witch went for a job
as a TV presenter?
The producer said she had the perfect face for
radio.

|An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house.Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled, ''STOP! Acts 2:38!'' (''Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.'')As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. Shortly, several officers arrived and took the man into custody.As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked, ''Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a scripture verse.''''Scripture?'' replied the burglar.''She said she had an axe and two 38's!''

|Old Man On A Bench An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.''Well,'' says the old fellow, ''I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then have fun together laughing and relaxing. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make fun together laughing and relaxing again. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we relax more and enjoy ourselves.''The policeman looks at the old man and says, ''You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!''So the old man says, ''I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!''

Why did the horse miss the joust?
He had the
knight off!

Why did the horse stir his cereal with his

hoof?
Because he wanted to feel his oats!

Why did the horse go behind the
tree?
To
change his jockeys.

It was so hot today I saw
a robin picking
earthworms out of the ground with a pair of tongs.