Newest jokes

What do clouds want to be when they grow
up?


-Thunderstorms

In Heaven:
The cooks are
French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers
are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.

In Hell:
The cooks are
English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are
French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.

An accountant dies and
goes to
Heaven. He is met by St Peter who goes through the usual

questionnaire.

''What sort of accountant are you?'' says St
Peter

''Public Practitioner,'' is the reply.

''Name?''

He gives his
name. St Peter goes through some files and pulls one out.

''Oh, yes.
We've been expecting you. You've reached your allotted
span,''
says St Peter.

''How can that be?'' says the accountant. ''I'm too
young to go. I'm
only forty-eight''

''No, that's impossible.
''

''Why do you say that?''

''Well we've been looking at your
time sheets and the hours you've
charged your clients. By our
reckoning you're at least ninety
three.''

Three college football coaches were

flying across the country when their airplane crashed and all three
died.
They all noticed God up in the clouds sitting in a chair. God
motioned
for one of them to come into the clouds.

God
wanted to know three things: ''Who are you? What did you do? What
did
people think of you?''

The first coach said, ''I'm Joe Paterno. I
coached Penn State from
1966 to 2000. I won 300 games, 19 bowl
victories, 2 national
championships, and won Coach of the Year 4 times.
The people of Pennsylvania think
I'm great.''

God said,
''Fine, Joe, stand at my right side.''

The next person said, ''I'm
Bobby Bowden. I coached Florida State
University from 1980 to 2000.
I had a .816 win percentage, played in 14
bowl games without a loss
and won a national championship after beating
Nebraska. The people
of Florida think I'm great.''

God said, ''Fine, Bobby, stan
d at my left side.''

The third coach stood before God and said,
''I'm Bob Stoops. I took
over a storied Oklahoma program that had
won 6 national championships and
held many NCAA records but had
fallen to the lowest of the low. In the
3 years prior to me taking over
the Sooners they went 3-8 (worst season
in 102 years of football),
4-8, and 5-6, beating Texas only once and
not beating Colorado or
Nebraska, not to mention losing to OSU. I coached
the Sooners for a
season and a half, going 7-5 in my first year beating
a top-15
Texas A&M with my unranked team and taking the Sooners to a
bowl game.
7 games into my second season we were undefeated and I took
the
Sooners to #1 in the AP poll, Coaches poll, and BCS poll. We beat #10

Texas 63-14, #2 Kansas State in Manhattan 41-31, and #1 Nebraska 31-14.

Our quarterback was the frontrunner for the Heisman trophy, we were
in
the driver's seat for the national championship, and th
e people of
Oklahoma think you are sitting in my chair.''

A cat and a mouse died on the same

day and went up to Heaven. At the top they met God and he asked them

'How do you like it so far?'

The mouse replied 'It's
great, but can I get a pair of roller
skates?' God said 'Sure', and
he gave him a pair of roller skates.

The next day God saw the
cat and asked him 'How do you like it up here
so far?' and the cat
replied 'Great, I didn't know you had meals on
wheels up
here!'

A religious man is on top of a roof

during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says ''get in, get

in!'' The religous man replies, '' no I have faith in God, he will
grant
me a miracle.''

Later the water is up to his waist and
another boat comes by and the
guy tells him to get in again. He
responds that he has faith in god and
god will give him a miracle. With
the water at about chest high, another
boat comes to rescue him,
but he turns down the offer again cause ''God
will grant him a
miracle.''

With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a
ladder and they
tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his
mouth, he again
turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He
arrives at the
gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter,
I thought God would
grand me a miracle and I have been let down.''
St. Peter chuckles and
responds, ''I don't know what you're c
omplaining about, we sent you
three boats and a helicopter.''

Did you hear about the new paint on the market?It's called Blonde. It's not very bright, but it spreadseasy!

|Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.Putting her face in her hands, she moaned: ''I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!''

|The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.''What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?'' said the officer.''I'm going to a lecture.'' the man said.''And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?'' the cop asked.''My wife.'' said the man.

Long, but pretty good:On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman 2 French men and 1 French woman 2 German men and 1 German woman 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman 2 English men and 1 English woman 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman 2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman 2 American men and 1 American woman 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred ... One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming. The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions. The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores. The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman endlessly complains about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her arse look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining. The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and setup a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

One day there was two boys playing
by a
stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and
the
other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so

long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were

looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the
second
boy took off running.
The first boy couldn't understand why
he ran away so he took off after
his friend. Finally, he caught up
to him and asked why he ran away. The
boy said to his friend, ''My
mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I
would turn to stone, and I
felt something getting hard, so I ran.''

This guy
goes to the zoo one day. While
standing in front of the gorilla's cage,
a gust of wind swept some
dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid,
the gorilla went crazy,
bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.
When the guy came to
his senses, he reported the incident to the
zookeeper. Nodding, the
zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid
means ''F**k you!''
in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the
victim feel
any better and he vowed revenge.
The next day he purchased two large
knives, two party hats, two party
horns, and a large sausage.
Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried
to the zoo and over to the
gorilla's cage, where he tossed a hat, a
knife, and a party
horn.
Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat.
The
gorilla looked at him, looked at the hat, and put it on. Next, he
picked
up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his
horn and did the
same. Then the man picked up his knife, whipped
the sausage out of his
pants, and sliced it in half.
The gorilla
looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at
the man,
and pulled down his eyelid.

|A preacher is buying a parrot.''Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?'' asked the preacher.''Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot,'' the storekeeper assures him.''Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm.''''Wonderful!'' says the preacher, ''but what happens if you pull both strings?''''I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!'' screeched the parrot.

|In order to punish your cat for poor behavior, here are a list of items that the cat may write on a chalkboard. A. Fill in the blanks1. [xxx] is not food.Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human's homework, photographs, shoes, sweaters, socks, the couch, electrical cords/devices, phone cord, vases of flowers, my poop, electric wiring, the rubber fish toy my human drags around for me to play with; rubber bands; Mom's toe; the HUGE fly; used Q-tips; the other cat's vomited food.2. I will not jump on the [xxx].kitchen counter, table, stove, barbecue, my human's full bladder at 5:30 A.M., bed at night, TV, bed from the top of the wardrobe at night.3. I will not sharpen my claws on the [xxx].sofa, carpet, drapes, my human's leg, my human's boss's leg, the new speakers, wallpaper, window screen, car tires.4. I will not pee/poop/barf a hairball on the [xxx].floor, carpet, sofa, clean laundry, sleeping human, human's tax return, the tax auditor, TV, baby's mattress, kitchen counter, dining room table, big people's shoes, bathtub, my Dad's collection of (expensive) Nazi daggers, marble floor (acid vomit+marble=etched marble).5. I will not climb the [xxx].Screen, bulletin board, speaker, curtains, redwood trees, walls, lampposts.6. I will not dunk [xxx] into my water dish.Tissues, my toy mouse, the house plants, half-digested food7. I will not hide [xxx].Pens, curlers, or house keys under the carpet.8. I recognize that the [xxx] has a right to exist.Belt, fringe on the bathroom rug, fuzzy toilet seat, house plant, human's toes, baby, human, blue jays outside, teddy bear9. [xxx] is not cat food.Chocolate, bananas, pizza, any human food, tea10. [xxx] is not a bed.The stove, the pot (not hot) on the stove, sink, the crystal bowl from the people's wedding, piano strings, Mommy's sock drawer, the inside of the antique radio, the car, the electric organ, the computer keyboard.11. [xxx] is not prey/a toy.The paper coming from the printer; the newspaper; Mummy; open milk cartons; toilet paper; pantyhose; paper clips; human's toes; my human's penis (see ''Robin Williams, Live at the Met''); Christmas tree ornaments; the produce ripening on the kitchen counter; Q-tips; Black Widow spiders; any food, whether wrapped in something or not; the sheets; the computer mouse; Mommy's snow white lace garter from her wedding with the beautiful tasty maribou feathers on it;12. I will not try to climb into the [xxx].Freezer, refrigerator, washing machine, dryer, dishwasher, garage.

|Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty.Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.Human being: Automatic door opener for cats.Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines.Purrson: A male kitty.Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.

|Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other, ''I don't think much of this budgie jumping.''The other moron replies, ''Yeah, I'm not too keen on this paragliding either.''

What do you call a frog spy ?
A croak and
dagger agent !

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six- year-old daughter and said, ''Would you like to say the blessing?'' I wouldn't know what to say,'' she replied. ''Just say what you hear Mommy say,'' my wife instructed. Our daughter bowed her head and said: ''Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner''!

Women's faults are many, men have only 2:Everything they say and everything they do.

Why are the N.Y. Giants like a tampon?They're only good for one period and have no second string.