Newest jokes

How do you stop a rooser crowing
on Sunday ?

Eat him on Saturday !

What kind of bird lays electric eggs ?
A
battery hen !

Which is the cheapest bicycle you can
buy?

A penny-farthing.

What did the silly boy take his bicycle to bed
with
him?
Because he didn't want to walk in his sleep.

Why couldn't the
bicycle stand up for
itself?
Because it was two-tyred.

A little boy out riding his bicycle knocked

down an old lady. She was a bit shaken, but got up, dusted herself
off,
then turned to the little boy and said,

'Don't you
know how to ride a bike?'

'Yes,' he answered, 'but I don't
know how to ring the bell yet'

Jack and Jill were riding a tandem up a hill,

but making heavy weather of it. At the top, Jack said:

'I
didn't think we'd make it!' Jill replied,

'Nor did I - what
a good thing I kept the brakes on, or we'd have
slid all the way
back down!'

How does a Snowman get to work?
By
icicle.

Where does a snowman put his birthday candles?

On his birthday flake!

What do snowmen wear on their heads ?
Ice
caps !

What do snowmen eat for lunch ?
Icebergers
!

Where do snowmen go to dance ?
Snowballs
!

Why did the
pig wear yellow coveralls?
He
split a seam in his blue ones.

|A young Air Force 2nd Lieutenant had just arrived at Misawa AFB in Japan.He'd been given a beautiful renovated office and had it furnished with antiques.Sitting there, he saw an enlisted man come into his outer office.Wishing to appear the hot shot, the officer picked up the phone and started to pretend he was exchanging chit chat with the Base Commander.He threw Colonel's and General's names around and talked about letting them stay in his Daddy's condo in Hawaii, and then set up a golfing date between him, the Base Commander, and the CO's of the Naval Security Group and Naval Air Facility.Finally he hung up and asked the Sergeant, ''Can I help you sergeant?''The TSGT said, ''Yes sir, I'm here to activate your phone lines.''

|1. Sickness: No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept the Medical Officer's statement as proof of illness as we believe that if you are able to go on sick parade, you are able to come to work. 2. Leave of Absence for an Operation: We are no longer allowing this practice. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed certainly makes you less than we bargained for. 3. Death, Other than Your Own: This is no excuse. If you can arrange the funeral services to be held late in the afternoon, however, we can let you off an hour early, provided all your work is up to date. 4. Death, Your Own: This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would like at least two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone else your job. 5. Quantity of Work: No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough. 6. Quality of Work: The minimum acceptable level is perfection. 7. Advice from the Commanding Officer: Eat a live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. 8. The senior officer is Always Right. 9. When the senior officer is Wrong, Refer to Rule 8.

|DURING a readiness exercise, my friend Jim and I, Air Force security policemen, were guarding entry to a bunker-like structure where aircrafts were kept.When a pilot about to do a preflight check approached without his identification in plain view, Jim asked him for it.''I don't see why I have to show you my ID,'' the pilot snapped. ''After all, it is my plane.''''Sir, with all due respect, it may be your plane,'' replied Jim, ''but it's sitting in my garage!''

|Time sensitive note: This joke pertains to the crash of a Chinese plane into a United States plane over International waters. China demanded an apology from us and stole technology from our plane when it was forced to make an emergency landing in Chinese lands.In a heroic dogfight, fought over international waters off the mainland China coast, a 60s era American-built Lockheed Electra propeller airliner with 24 US Navy passengers/observers aboard chewed up one of China's best state-of-the-art supersonic fighter aircraft. The Americans utilizing the infrequently seen combat tactic of straight and level flight, often accomplished by relying solely on auto pilot, engaged the unfortunate single seat combat jet and knocked it out of the air using only one of its four formidable rotating air mass propeller weapons system.After the action, the crew and passengers/observers dropped in on China's Hainan Island Resort for some much-deserved R&R as guests of the Chinese government. Reprinted from the Taiwan Daily Gazette

Q. Why do men name their penises? A. Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the person whomakes all their decisions.

If men had PMS/PMT, what would happen?a. The federal government would allocate funds to study it.b. Cramps would become an acceptable reason to apply for permanent disability.c. There would be a federal holiday every 28 days

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.What do men dream of?Being stuck in a lift with the Spice girls.