Newest jokes

A little boy is standing at the side of a river, weeping.His tears are streaming down his cheeks.An elderly lady passes by and feels pity for him.''What is the matter, young boy? Why are you crying?''''It's mean!'', the boy sniffed, ''My daddy drowned all fourlittle kittens we had yesterday!''''That's awful indeed !'', the lady replied angrily, ''Yourfather is a real bastard!'''Yes'', said the little boy, ''He had promised to me thatI could do it.''

A kid at a sleep-away camp wrote home,''Please send me some food. All they serve here are meals.''

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?A: When you see teeth marks.

John: ''I'm glad you named me John.''Mother: ''Why?''John: ''Because that's what all the kids at school callme.''

|Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. ''Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?'' said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the German. ''Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?'' said the prison guard ''Nothing'' said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport. The guards then came to the Irishman. ''Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?'' ''Oh'', replied the Irishman, ''I'll take the German''.

|Murphy said to his daughter, ''I want you home by eleven o'clock.'' She said, ''But Father, I'm no longer a child!'' He said, ''I know, that's why I want you home by eleven.''

|MacAndrews was visiting his Irish cousin, O'Bannon. While there he decided to do a bit of fishing. As he sat there on afternoon, his cousin walked by.''What are ye doing?'' asked O'Bannon.''Fishin','' said MacAndrews.''Caught anything?''''Ach, nae a bite,''''What are ye usin' fer bait?''''Worms''''Let me see it,'' said O'Bannon.MacAndrews lifted the line from the water and handed it to his cousin. O'Bannon took out his flask of potcheen and dipped the worm in it. He handed it back to MacAndrews, who cast his line once more. As soon as the worm hit the water, his rod bent over double, the line screaming out.''Have ye got a bite?'' asked O'Bannon.''No!'' shouted MacAndrews, fighting with the rod, ''The worm's got a salmon by the throat!''

|It seems three Irishmen, Sean, Michael and Tim, passed over at the same time. Upon encountering the Pearly Gates, they were met by ST. Patrick himself, and he addressed the boys thusly: ''Lads, I'm here to welcome you to heaven where you will spend eternity. Just remember one thing, when you go through these gates, don't step on any of the ducks or you'll be punished for eternity. Sean went in first and was amazed to see that the entire ladscape was encompassed by ducks, and try as he might, sure enough he stepped on one. He was immediately joined by one of the homliest colleens he's ever laid eyes on, and she said,''Well love, you stepped on a duck and now we're together for all time.''And of course the exact same thing happened to Michael only his companion was even the worse for wear. By this time Tim was absolutely terrified. And he gingerly managed to make it most of the way across the court without stepping on a single duck. Suddenly, his arm was taken by a young lass. Tim looked over and beheld the most beautiful, graceful, blue-eyed woman he's ever seen in all his life. He gasped, ''I don't understand it!'' The young beauty answered, ''Well I'm sure I don't either, I was walking along minding my own business, when all of a sudden I stepped on a duck.''

Q. Why couldn't the Lesbian tennis star compete in the Dutch Open?A. She got her finger caught in a dike!

A lady golfer is stung by a wasp.She goes to look for the greenkeeper and finds him.''I've been stung by a wasp'' She says.'' Where did it get you?'' He replies''Between the 1st and 2nd hole''''I think your stance must be a little too wide''

Examination to Qualify for Entrance to UNLV (basketball players only) Time Limit: 3 weeks *1. What language is spoken in France?2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army or (d) WRITE A PLAY4. What religion is the Pope? (a) Jewish (b) Catholic (c) Hindu (d) Polish (e) Agnostic (check only one)5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (c) Northerners (d) Easterners9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton.10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.11. Where does rain come from? (a) Macy's (b) a 7-11 (c) Canada (d) the sky12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity? (a) yes (b) no13. What are coat hangers used for?14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?17. Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) New York (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Wisconsin18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?20. The UNLV tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)? (a) B.C. (b) A.D. (c) still waiting*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify

Weight ControlHere's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories perhour they consume.Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight). . . .50-300Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350

What did the baby
chick say when he saw his
mother sitting on an orange ?
'Dad, dad, look what marma-laid'
!

What goes 'peck, bang, peck, bang, peck, bang'
?
A bunch of chickens in a field full of balloons !

The sales girl at the Pink Pussycat boutique didn't batan eye when the customer purchased an artificial vagina.''What are you going to use it for?'' she asked. ''None of your business,'' answered the customer, beetred and throughly offended. ''Calm down, buddy,'' soothed the salesgirl. '' The onlyreason I'm asking is that if it's food, we don't haveto charge you sales tax.''

A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when arobber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells tothe bartender,''This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!'' The scared bartender pleads, ''Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!'' The robber yells, ''Shut up and empty the cash register!'' The bartender says, ''Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!'' The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender's head and says, Alright, now give me a blowjob!'' ''Anything!'' cries the bartender, ''Just don't shoot!'' The bartender starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited,he drops the gun. The bartender sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it backto the crook and yells, ''Hold the gun, damn it! One of my friendsmight walk in!''

|Supplemental Rules for Bowling If you holler ''overs!'' before the ball passes the arrows, you get to throw the ball over, unless of course, you get a strike. In which case, you can renege on the ''overs''. When your team is about 10 marks down in the 8th or 9th frame, you can invoke the rule ''First Team Through Bowling Wins the Game'', and your team still has a chance. After a member of the opposing team bowls 4 strikes in a row, he/she must bowl the next 4 frames blindfolded. If he/she continues to strike, his/her shoelaces will be tied together for 2 frames. When you leave the 10-pin and you know you can't make the spare, but another member of your team can, invoke the ''Designated Bowler'' rule. After you have 4 splits in one game, you may say ''Kings X'' and take those 4 frames over. However, if you split on the 2nd time around, you accept it. After all, ''Fair is Fair''. If your ball goes in the gutter and jumps back onto the lane, knocking dow pins, by golly, you get them! That's much harder than to knock them down the conventional way. Good bowling should be recognized. A ball should be declared dead when you bowl 3 games without a strike. It shall be the owners privilege to decide on the disposition of said dead ball - Burial at Sea, Dropped from an airplane over a live volcano, or a simple burial in the city dump. For a small fee, a league officer can be bribed to deliver a short eulogy.

|Top Baseball Player Demands From Late Show with David Letterman; Friday, August 12, 1994 In case anyone has od'ed on O.J. Simpson coverage or for those who might for some reason not know, the major league baseball player strike began today.] No team flights on Continental Airlines. Goodbye boring baseball hats, hello festive sombreros. Make it legal to cork their pants. Baseballs with delicious chocolate centers. No more reports from that old guy up at Woodstock. [In reference to the live reports tonight from Calvert] Two words: Streisand tickets. Every team has to have at least one player named ''Mookie''. Plenty of dugout Slimfast. Put an on-deck circle in Madonna's bed. More games against the Mets.

|Things to do at a Bowling Alley Everytime you throw exclaim ''TAKE THAT, YOU!!!'' continue this behavior until forcefully thrown out. When ever a strike ''X'' appears on the screen, start yelling about how this is a Black Panther conspiracy. Explain to the Owner how your game has been ruined due to Platetechtonics then loose him in lingo. Demand Compensation. Bring Zippo fluid, light the pins on fire. Wear Golf Shoes. Pray to the pins, leave sacrifices. Dress up like an amish man. Give speaches to others against the high technology used in bowling. Play bocci with extra lane balls Try to juggle the balls, when you drop them, start screaming about Platetechtonics again Every ten minutes run the entire length of the building beating your own head and speaking in tounges, then sit down as if nothing happened. Bring full angling gear, ask how they're biting.....fish. Completely cover your ball in duct tape (sticky side out) then loudly complain about how your hook is off. Hide behind the pins. Stick your head up, LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY. Use a Curling Weight instead, bring a full team of sweepers. Throw refuse down the ball return, tell the owner the trash compactor is busted. Make your prescence known by arranging pentagrams out of candles on every lane except yours. Root for the other team- Bring Banners. Make fun of your team- Bring Lettuce. Tell the rival team captain that you just met his ''little girl'' walk away mumbling ''how bad things happen'' Bring a foghorn, use at crucial moments Even if you miss totally--At the top of your lungs scream STEEEEEEEEERIKE Bring a small gold idol, demand the other team pray to it. Rent all the lanes, don't bowl Rent all the shoes, eat them Blatenly Underscore yourself, then accuse the other team of cheating When an opponent is on his backswing, race up and take his ball, run home. If your team is in the finals, throw nothing but gutterballs, blame platetechtonics Trip EVERY member of the opposing team, trip your team, trip everyone Wear a baseball uniform, bowl sidearm. SuperGlue Police Whistles to the hand-dryers...leave town Walk around asking people why they are here, do this the whole night Ask to use the house mic. Say you want to make an anoucement, expond on the sins of bowling Name your ball something like ''KILLER'', Openly boast to everyone how great you are, bowl terribly. Do this all night Sit in your lane and heckle others with a BullHorn. Bring a dartgun...Be inventive. Wrestle with your ball. (WWF Style) Ask someone to ref. Run around sprinkling ''MAGIC FAIRY DUST'' on everyone's balls. Tar works nice. Sponsor a Really Big Open Bowl Night, Dont even have a Entrance fee. Advertise it using Every Mass Media known to man, make the 3rd Prize: $10,000 and a Porshce 2nd Prize: $5,000 and a trip to Europe 1st Prize: A coffee mug Then sit back a watch the fights..... leave or Cancel the whole thing. Hand out Pamphlets on Patetechtonics.

What did one car muffler say to the
other
car muffler?
''Am I exhausted!''