Newest jokes

What do you get if King Kong falls down a
mine shaft?
A flat miner.

Why is King Kong big and hairy?
So you
can tell him apart from a gooseberry.

Why was
the restaurant called ''Out of
this World''?
Because it was full of Unidentified Frying Objects.

Jane's father
decided to take all the
family out to a restaurant for a meal. As he'd
spent quite a lot
of money for the meal he said to the waiter, ''Could I
have a bag to
take the leftovers home for the dog?''
''Gosh!'' exclaimed Jane, ''Are
we getting a dog?''

How
many McDonald's counter girls does
it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to put
some chips with it.

What did one gay sperm say to the other? - I can't find my way through all this shit.

|What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?It's Christmas, Eve ! How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day ?Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve ! What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month ?The letter ''D'' ! What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ?Santa Claustrophobia ! What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ?Black mail ! Who delievers cat's Christmas presents ?Santa Paws ! Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney ?Because it soots him ! Who delievers elephants's Christmas presents?Elephanta Claus ! How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ?Stacks ! Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve ?Because he's Sooty !

|Knock KnockWho's there ?WenceslasWenceslas who ? Wenceslas train home ? Knock KnockWho's there ?SnowSnow who ? Snow business like show business ! Knock KnockWho's there ?WayneWayne who ? Wayne in a manger... ! Knock KnockWho's there ?DonutDonut who ? Donut open till Christmas ! Knock KnockWho's there ?OakhamOakham who ? Oakham all ye faithfull... ! Knock KnockWho's there ?AveryAvery who ? Avery merry Christmas ! Knock KnockWho's there ?HollyHolly who ? Holly-days are here again ! Knock KnockWho's there ?RudolphRudolph who ? Money is the Rudolph of all evil ! Knock KnockWho's there ?IglooIgloo who ? Igloo Suzie like I knew Suzie... ! Knock KnockWho's there ?MaryMary who ? Mary Christmas !

If a beagle can't play a bugle in the marching

band, what's his other favorite instrument to play?
A
trombone.

Which dog eats with its tail?
All dogs keep
their tails on when eating.

How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a

monster ?
Terrier-fied !

What dog would you want on your American football

team?
A golden receiver!

What kind of dog is the smartest?
A great
brain!

|A man walks into a bar one day and asks, ''Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?''''Yeah, I do!'' a biker says, standing up. ''What about it?''''Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him...''''What are you talkin' about?!'' the biker says, disbelievingly. ''How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?''''Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!''

|I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.''That's the most amazing thing I've seen,'' I said. ''That dog really seemed to enjoy the film.''The man turned to me and said, ''Yeah, it is. He hated the book.''

|The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. ''I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V.''He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk.''Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino.''The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.''Did you do this?'' he asked the centipede.''Yeah, I did.'' the centipede replied.The lion retorted, ''Where were you during the first half?''''I was putting on my shoes.''

Is that your face or are you
wearing
your hair back to front today?

What do you get if you cross a

hairdresser with a werewolf?
A monster with an all-over perm.

Fred: Betty has lovely long red hair

all down her back.
Harry: Pity it's not on her head!

Boy: Will you punish me for something I didn't do?Teacher: Of course not!Boy: Good, cause I didn't do my homework!