Newest jokes

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
Joan of Arc
Barbie ...comes with stake, kindling, and matches

There is a new
Barbie doll on the
market - Rastafarian Barbie ...she has dreadlocks and
ganja, mon!

Trevor: That's a cool
pair of stockings
you have on Jill. One red and one green.
Jill: Yes, and I have
another pair just like it at home.

Mum: Jackie, go outside and play with your
whistle. Your father can't
read his paper.
Jackie: Wow, I'm only
eight and I can read it

Mother: What do you mean, the school must be

haunted ?
Daughter: Well, the principal kept going on about the
school
spirit.

Mary arrived home from
school covered in
spots. 'Whatever's the matter ?' asked her mother.
'I don't
know,' replied Mary, 'but the teacher thinks I may have
caught
decimals.'

What do you call an aardvark outside
Buckingham Palace?
A guardvark!

What do you call an aardvark in a frying
pan?
A lardvark!

What do you call a pickled aardvark?
A
jarredvark!

What do you call an aardvark that plays
poker?
A cardvark!

An old lady was standing at the railing of the

cruise ship holding
her hat on tight, so that it would not blow
off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: ''Pardon me,
madam. I do not
intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress
is blowing
up in this high wind?''

''Yes, I know,'' said the
lady, ''I need both hands to hold onto this
hat.''

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from
Bingo to
find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she

became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of
their
apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the
court on
charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything
to say to
defend herself.

''Well, Your Honor,'' she replied coolly. ''I figured
that at 92, if
he could make love to another woman, he could fly!''

A strained voice called out through the

darkened
theater, ''Please, is there a doctor in the house?!''


Several men stood up as the lights came on.

An older lady pulled
her daughter to stand next to her,
''Good, are any of you doctors
single and interested in
a date with a good, Jewish girl?''

How do you make a
tissue dance ?
Put a
little boogie in it !

Who is tall, dark and a great dancer ?
Dark
Raver !

|Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.1. The bandage was wound around the wound.2. The farm was used to produce produce.3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.4. We must polish the Polish furniture.5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.10. I did not object to the object.11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.13. They were too close to the door to close it.14. The buck does funny things when does are present.15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

|Did you know that ''verb'' is a noun? How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can't spell them? If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know? If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren't two houses hice? If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue? If you've read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn't this also mean that you would have to ''member'' somebody in order to remember them? In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same? Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable? Is there another word for a synonym? Shouldn't there be a shorter word for ''monosyllabic''? What is another word for ''thesaurus''? Where do swear words come from? Why can't you make another word using all the letters in ''anagram''? Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? Why do people use the word ''irregardless''? Why do some people type ''cool'' as ''kewl?'' Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? Why do we say something's out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works? Why does ''cleave'' mean both split apart and stick together? Why does ''slow down'' and ''slow up'' mean the same thing? Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing? Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize two women living under one roof? Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug? Why doesn't ''onomatopoeia'' sound like what it is? Why don't we say ''why'' instead of ''how come''? Why is ''crazy man'' an insult, while to insert a comma and say ''Crazy, man!'' is a compliment? Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites? Why is abbreviation such a long word? Why is dyslexic so hard to spell? Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC? Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple? Why is it that the word ''gullible'' isn't in the dictionary? Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital? Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese? Why isn't ''palindrome'' spelled the same way backwards? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

|Theorem : All numbers are equal to zero.Proof: Suppose that a=b. Thena = ba^2 = aba^2 - b^2 = ab - b^2(a + b)(a - b) = b(a - b)a + b = ba = 0Furthermore if a + b = b, and a = b, then b + b = b, and 2b = b, which mean that 2 = 1.

|Theorem: 3=4Proof:Suppose:a + b = cThis can also be written as:4a - 3a + 4b - 3b = 4c - 3cAfter reorganizing:4a + 4b - 4c = 3a + 3b - 3cTake the constants out of the brackets:4 * (a+b-c) = 3 * (a+b-c)Remove the same term left and right:4 = 3

|Theorem: All positive integers are equal.Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B.Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B.Proceed by induction.If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1. So A = B.Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B.