Newest jokes

Where do frogs leave their hats and coats
?

In the croakroom !

What is the smartest blonde?A golden retriever

What do you call a blonde in the freezer?A Frosted Flake.

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. ''I'm on the road a lot, and my clients arecomplaining that they can never reach me.'' Psychiatrist: ''Don't you have a phone in your car?'' Blonde: ''That was a little too expensive, so I didthe next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car.'' Psychiatrist: ''Uh ... How's that working?'' Blonde: ''Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet.'' Psychiatrist: ''And why do you think that is?'' Blonde: ''I figure it's because when I'm drivingaround, my zip code keeps changing.''

What dog wears contact lenses ?
A cock-eyed
spaniel !

''Room Service? Can you send up a
towel?'' ''Please wait, someone
else is using it.''

''Room service? Send up a larger
room.''

What do snowmen have that snowwomen don't?Snowballs!

My dog is a nuisance.
He chases everyone on
a bicycle.
What can I do?
Take his bike away.

Did you hear about the vampire bicycle
that
went round biting people's arms off?
It was a vicious cycle.

''Lie flat on your backs, class, and circle

your feet in the air as if you were riding your bikes,'' said the gym

teacher.
''Fred! What are you doing? Move your feet, boy.''

''I'm freewheeling, sir.''

What is a ghost-proof bicycle?
One with no
spooks in it.

While crossing the US-Mexican border on his

bicycle, the man was stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the
man
had on his shoulders. ''What's in the bags?'', asked the
guard.

''Sand,'' said the cyclist.

''Get them off - we'll take a
look,'' said the guard.

The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the
bags, and proving they
contained nothing but sand, reloaded the
bags, put them on his shoulders
and continued across the border.


Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded
to
see the two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This
went on
every week for six months, until one day the cyclist with the
sand bags
failed to appear.

A few days later, the guard
happened to meet the cyclist downtown.
''Say friend, you sure had us
crazy'', said the guard. ''We knew you were
smuggling something across
the border. I won't say a word - but what is
it you were smu
ggling?'' ''Bicycles!''

|At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, ''I was just trying to be a good ring bear.''

|My Dearest Susan,Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.Yours always and truly,JohnP.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.

|Announcement:It is the responsibility of the bride's family to announce the wedding in the local newspaper. The announcement should include: A photograph of the bride (A high school yearbook picture is acceptable); Name of the groom, education completed by both bride and groom (do not include elementary school, unless that was the terminal degree.); current employment and planned residence after the ceremony (If living with the bride's parents, it is not necessary to specify where in the house you will reside).Invitations:Since you are having a planned wedding and you are expecting a lot of free stuff, you must send out invitations! They do not have to be lengthy. Something like ''You are invited to watch John Smith and Jennifer Johnson make it legal on March 14, 2000.'' will suffice nicely. If you don't want to be so formal, you can always run down to the local bar and yell ''If you aint doing nothin' on the 14th of March, why don't you stop by my house for a cold one about 2 o'clock. Me and Jennifer's having some friends over to watch the ball game and witness our weddin'.''Proper attire:For the bride, the key words are ''be conservative.'' No matter how good it may look, refrain from wedding outfits made with spandex or adorned with fringe. Excessive slits and dips also are frowned upon. This is not the occasion to show the world how big ''they'' are.For the groom, a rented tuxedo is haute courture, but if it means the difference between going on a honeymoon and staying home, concider some alternatives. For example, a leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean work shirt can create a natty appearence. And though possibly uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.The ceremony:No matter how urgent the event, loaded weapons have no place at the alter. At the point in the ceremony that says, ''If anybody has any reason why these two should no be joined in holy matrimony...'' tell the preacher not to pause too long, old flames sometimes die hard and talk too much.Reception:Remember to reserve the UAW hall far in advance, and avoid Saturdays, since that's bingo night. It is perfectly acceptable to ask guests to wipe their feet before entering the hall. After all the cleaning deposit can be the difference between an oil change and a full tune-up for the car.When dancing never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is!Common wedding questions and answersQ: Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding?A: Not if you are the groom.Q: How many showers is the bride supposed to have?A: At least one within a week of the wedding.Q: What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony?A: Anything except ''Tied to the Whipping Post''.

|As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, ''I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them.''His wife looked at him calmly and said, ''Why do you think I gave you the poison?''

|Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disasterFeedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.Verbal: Able to whine in wordsWhodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into ''get a sponge.''

Q. How did a blind woman drive herself

crazy?

A. Trying to read a stucco wall.

An out-of-towner drove his
car into a ditch
in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to
help with his
big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car
and yelled, ''Pull, Nellie, pull!''
Buddy didn't move.

Then
the farmer hollered, ''Pull, Buster, pull!'' Buddy didn't
respond.


Once more the farmer commanded, ''Pull, Coco, pull!'' Nothing.


Then the farmer nonchalantly said, ''Pull, Buddy, pull!'' And the
horse
easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was
most appreciative and very curious. He asked the
farmer why he
called his horse by the wrong name three times.

''Well... Buddy is
blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling,
he wouldn't
even try!''