Newest jokes

What dog always gets on everyone's nerves?
A
great pane!

''Why do you look so glum today?'', the teacher asked young Johnny. ''I didn't have no breakfast,'' Johnny mumbled. ''You poor dear,'' said the teacher. ''Now, to return to our geography lesson, Johnny, where is the French border?'' ''In bed with my mom. That's why I didn't have no breakfast.''

A small boy was lost, so he went up to apoliceman and said, ''I've lost my dad!''The cop said, ''What's he like?''The little boy replied, ''Beer and women!''

The teacher hears Little Johnny cussing, and gets pissed off.She goes bitching to Little Johnny's father. She comes toLittle Johnny's house and sees Little Johnny fucking a goatin the front yard. She walks in the house and screams to his father ''Your son!Your son! He cussed in the school and now....now he's beingcarnal with a goat in the front yard!'' Little Johnny's father goes running out the door yelling,''Son of a bitch! Today is my turn!''

One day a boy asks his dad,''What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?'' Dad thought for a minute and said, ''Come with me.''He took his son to his mother's bedroom, where shewas sleeping nude. ''Son,'' he whispered, ''see thatbrown soft furry patch? That is a pussy.'' The boy asked, ''May I touch it to see how soft andfurry it is?'' ''No!'' replied his father. ''That might wake up the cunt.''

To stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nails, her mother tells her it'll make her fat. ?I won't do it any more, Mom,'' says the daughter. Next day they are out walking when they meet a very fat man. ?If I bite my fingernails, I'll be as fat as that, won't I Mom?'' ?You'll be fatter than that,'' says her mother. They get on a bus, and sitting opposite them is a very pregnant lady. The little girl can't take her eyes off the woman's belly. The pregnant lady feels increasingly uncomfortable under this stare, and finally leans forward and says to the little girl, ?Excuse me, but do you know me?'' And the little girl says, ?No, but I know what you've been doing...''Sent by Max

Teacher: I see
you don't cut your
hair any longer.
Fred: No sir, I cut it shorter.

When can you dive in a swimming pool and
not
get your hair wet ?
When your bald !

Janet came home from school and asked

her mother if the aerosol spray in the kitchen was hair lacquer.

''No,'' said Mom. ''It's glue.''
''I thought so,'' said Janet.
''I
wondered why I couldn't get my hat off today.''

What would you call two
banana skins ?
A
pair of slippers.

''My
boyfriend says I look like a dishy
Italian!''said Miss Conceited.
'Then he's right said her little
brother.'Sophia Loren?'
''No-spaghetti!'

Fred keeps telling me that he's going to marry
the most
beautiful girl in the world.
Oh, what a shame! And
you've been engaged for such a long time!

People keep telling me I'm beautiful.
What
vivid imaginations some people have.

A monster went to the doctor with a branch

growing out of his head.
''Hmmm,'' said the doctor. ''I've no idea
what it is.''
The next week the branch was covered in leaves and
blossom.
''I'm stumped,'' said the doctor, ''but you can try taking these

pills.''
When the monster came back a month later the branch had
grown into a
tree, and just a few weeks later he developed a small
pond, surrounded by
trees and bushes, all of them on top of his
head.
''Ah!'' said the doctor, ''I know what it is. You've got a beauty

spot.''

How many cafeteria staff does it take to

change a light bulb?
''Sorry, we closed 18 seconds ago, and I've
just cashed up.''

Did you hear about the new
restaurant on
the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.

''What flavors of ice cream
do you have?''
inquired the customer.
''Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate,''
answered the new waitress in a
hoarse whisper.
Trying to be
sympathetic, the customer asked, ''Do you have
laryngitis?''
''No....''
replied the new waitress with some effort, ''just...erm....
vanilla,
strawberry, and chocolate.''

Two men were in a restaurant and ordered
fish. The waiter
brought a dish with two fish, one larger than the
other. One of the men said
to the other, ''Please help yourself.'' The
other one said ''Okay'',
and helped himself to the larger fish. After
a tense silence, the first
one said, ''really, now, if you had
offered me the first choice, I would
have taken the smaller fish!'' The
other one replied, ''What are you
complaining for; you have it,
don't you?''

Three
couples are dining
together.
The American husband says to his wife: ''Pass me the honey, Honey''.
The
English husband says to his wife: ''Pass me the sugar, Sugar''.
The
[you name it] husband says to his wife: ''Pass me the steak, Dumb

cow''.

What happens if you eat a hot frog ?
You'll
croak in no time !