Newest jokes

|Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, ''My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!'' As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed. He said, ''My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?'' The guy says, ''Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!''

Yo mama
so ugly for Halloween she trick
or treats on the phone!

Yo mama so ugly she turned Medusa to

stone!

Yo mama so ugly The NHL banned her for
life

Yo mama so ugly that
your father takes
her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss
her goodbye.

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down

and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and
shoots
the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager
shouts,
''Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you
didn't pay for
your sandwich!''

The panda yells back at the
manager, ''Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it
up!''

The manager opens
his dictionary and sees the following definition for
panda: ''A tree
dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by
distinct black
and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.''

|McNally was taking his first plane ride, flying over the Rocky Mountains. The stewardess handed him a piece of chewing gum. ''It's to keep your ears from popping at high altitudes,'' she explains. When the plane landed McNally rushed up to her. ''Miss,'' he said, ''I'm meetin' me wife right away. How do I get the gum out of me ears?''

|Kelly was standing in front of Cohan's Tavern when he saw a driverless car rolling slowly down the street. He ran to the car, jumped in, and pulled on the emergency brake with a jerk. Kelly got out and very proudly said to the man approaching him, ''I stopped it!'' ''I know, you idiot!'' said the man. ''I was pushing it!''

|Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. ''Did you see the paper?'' asked Gallagher. ''They say I died!!'' ''Yes, I saw it!'' replied Finney. ''Where are you callin' from?''

|It was general question time on the ''Top of the World'' quiz show and the host first asked the Hungarian contestant: ''Complete this line of a song and spell your answer - Old MacDonald had a ....'' The Hungarian answered quickly: ''Station - S T A T I O N.'' Next it was the Polish contestant who was asked the same question: ''Old MacDonald had a ....'' ''Ranch,'' was the reply, ''R A N C H.'' Finally the Irishman was asked the same question: ''Old MacDonald had a....'' ''Farm,'' the Irishman proudly stated. ''Correct,'' said the host. ''Now spell the word farm.'' The Irishman thought for a moment. ''E I E I O.''

|O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent. ''Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years,'' he told the priest. ''I understand my son,'' says the priest. ''Can you make a Novena?'' O'Toole said, ''Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber.''

Question: If a man speaks in the
forest and
there is no woman around to hear him, is he still
wrong?

What is the difference between men and
pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

Q: Men will brag that
there are women waiting
by the phone at this very moment for their call.
Who are these
women?
A: Women working at 900 numbers.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A
carrot!

Why did the
bird join he air force?
He
wanted to be a parrot trooper!

Why is politics for the birds?
Because
politiciands always parrot the same old lines!

What are a parrot's favourite literary
characters?
Mr Macawber and Pollyanna!

What dog do other dogs tell their problems to?

A complaint Bernard!

What dog takes the money and runs fast!
A
payhound!