Newest jokes

A doctor pulls out a thermometer from his shirt pocket. He looks at it and says, ''Shit, some asshole has my pen!!!''

Two proctologists are discussing their most baffling cases.One proctologist tells the other one about the time he put his hand into a patient and pulled out a large bouquet of flowers.The other proctologist looked really amazed and asked, ''Where did those flowers come from?''The other proctologist answered very cooly, ''How should I know. There wasn't any card!!''

Proctologist: A doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.Proctologist: A brain surgeon for lawyers.Proctologist: the rare profession in which the M.D. starts out at the bottom and stays there.

Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dustbin. Psychiatrist: Don't talk such rubbish!

Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking that I'm a deck of cards!Psychiatrist: Sit over there and I'll deal with you later!

Psychiatrist: What is wrong with your brother? Sister: He thinks he's a chicken.Psychiatrist: How long has be been acting like a chicken? Sister: Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs.

Psychiatrist: What is your problem? Patient: I think I'm a chicken.Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on? Patient: Ever since I was an egg!

Patient: Doctor, I have a split personality.Psychiatrist: Nurse, bring in another chair!

There was an old lady who heard you could keep cigarettes dry at the beach by stuffing the pack into a condom. She stopped into the pharmacy to pick some up.The pharmacist said, ''What brand of condoms to you prefer ma'am.''She said, ''I'm not sure, they're for my Camels,'' at which point he fainted.

Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a curtain. Psychiatrist: Pull yourself together!

Patient: Doctor, people tell me I'm a wheelbarrow. Psychiatrist: Don't let people push you around.

A funeral procession was winding it's way to the cemetery on top of the hill outside town, when the hearse hit a bump.The coffin was bumped loose, fell out onto the road and began sliding back toward town. (It was a steep hill) It slid faster and faster. Finally, it reached the town and was skidding its way down Main St.Suddenly, at one intersection, the coffin hit a curb, flew onto the sidewalk, smashed through the front glass window of the pharmacy, and slammed up against the prescription counter.The lid popped off, the corpse sat up and said.. ''You got anything to stop this coffin?''

''When a customer comes into the shop, be very polite to them and try to put a little poetry into it when you're talking to them.''The youth says that he does not see what the pharmacist means by this, so the pharmacist says that he should observe when the next customer comes in and watch how he or she is dealt with.Presently a middle aged woman comes in to the shop and asks for something for a tummy bug.The pharmacist says, ''There's a lot of that virus going about, but this pink mixture should sort you out!''''Oh thank you very much!'' says the middle aged woman and she leaves the shop.So the pharmacist says the youth can serve the next customer while he goes to tea break, ''And remember to put some poetry into it'' he says.Anyway, the youth waits around and nobody comes in, so he decides to go to the restroom. Just as he's about to nip off, a young teenage girl comes in.''Can I help you?'' he asks. She replies very embarrassedly that she would like to buy some sanitary towels, to which the youth replies :''Hang on Miss, I'm dying for a piss, but I'll be back in a flash, with a sash for your gash!''

A duck walks into a drugstore and says to the pharmacist, ''Gimme a chap stick.''The pharmacist asks the duck, ''Will that be cash or charge?'' The duck replies, ''Just put it on my bill.''The next day, the duck goes back to the drugstore and says to the clerk, ''Give me a box of condoms.'' The clerk says, ''Do you want me to also put them on your bill?'' The duck says, ''Hell no, I'm not that kind of duck!''

A doctor is to give a speech at the local AMA dinner. He jots down notes for his speech.Unfortunately, when he stands in front of his colleagues later that night, he finds that he can't read his notes. So he asks, ''Is there a pharmacist in the house?''

A funny story I know comes from someone's father-in-law who is a pharmacist. One of his customers complained that the capsules she'd been given weren't working. ''Oh,'' he said, ''You've been taking them the wrong way. You have to take them so that the green half goes in first.'' He said that she stopped by a week later to let him know that her medication was now working fine!

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, ''Here's a pill for English literature.'' The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!''What else do you have?'' asks the student.''Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history,'' replies the pharmacist.The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.Then the student asks, ''Do you have a pill for math?''The pharmacist says, ''Wait just a moment,'' goes back into the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plunks it on the counter.''I have to take that huge pill for math?'' inquires the student.The pharmacist replied, ''Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow.''

A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping him he says, ''I'd like 99 condoms please.''With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says, ''99 Condoms!?! Fuck me!''To which the guy replies, ''Make it100.''

This kid walks into the pharmacy: ''I've a hot date tonight, a sure thing, and my buddies said you could fix me up for it.''''What do you want?'' ''Well, it's a hot date, man. A sure thing? You know...'' ''What do you want?'' ''I need some protection, alright??!?!'' ''What size?'' ''Size? I dunno... Whatever is considered average I guess.'' ''That'll be $2.35 including tax.'' ''Tacks?! Tacks?! I thought they stayed on by themselves!''

A young woman, two months pregnant, went to see her obstetrician. He was in a hurry to leave on an emergency call, so he asked her to quickly bare her stomach, then reached into his desk and took out a rubber stamp, which he pressed beside her navel. He then rushed off.At home, she and her husband tried to read the tiny words printed on her belly, but they were too small. They then found a magnifying glass and tried to read the words; the stamp read: ''When your husband can read this without his glasses, it's time to get yourself to the hospital!''