Newest jokes

A bit-part actor finally got his first
leading role
in a major film. In one scene the actor had to jump off
a high diving
board in to a swimming pool. He climed to the top of
the board, looked
down and promptly climbed down
again.

`What's the matter?' asked the director.

`I can't jump from that
board!' said the actor. `Do you know there's
only one foot of
water in that pool?'

'Yes,' said the director. `We don't want
you to drown, you
know.'

What's the definition of a good actor?

Somebody who tries hard to be everybody but himself.

So you are distantly related to the

family next door, are you?
Yes- their dog is our dog's
brother.

A scoutmaster asked one of his

troop what good deed he had done for the day. 'Well,' said the Scout.

'Mum had only one dose of castor oil left, so I let my baby
brother
have it.'

Three New Zealanders and three
Aussies are
travelling by train to a cricket match at the World Cup in
England.

At the station, the three Aussies each buy a ticket
and watch as the
three New Zealanders buy just one ticket between
them. ''How are the
three of you going to travel on only one ticket?''
asks one of the Aussies.
''Watch and learn,'' answers one of the New
Zealanders.

They all board the train. The Aussies take their
respective seats but
all three New Zealanders cram into a toilet and
close the door behind
them.

Shortly after the train has
departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on
the toilet door and says, ''Ticket please.''

The door opens just a
crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in
hand. The conductor
takes it and moves on.

The Aussies see this and agree it was
quite a clever idea. So after the
game, they decide to copy the
New Zealanders on the return trip and
save some money (being
clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station,
they buy a single ticket for the return
trip. To their astonishment,
the New Zealanders don't buy a ticket at
all!!

''How are you
going to travel without a ticket?'' says one perplexed
Aussie.


''Watch and learn,'' answers a New Zealander. When they board the
train
the three Aussies cram into a toilet and soon after the three New

Zealanders cram into another nearby. The train departs.


Shortly afterwards, one of the New Zealanders leaves the toilet and

walks over to the toilet where the Aussies are hiding.

He knocks
on the door and says, ''Ticket please.''

The modest young lass had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence, ''If you can read this you're too damn close'' embroidered on her panties and bra. ''Yes Madame,'' said the clerk. ''I'm quite certain that could be done. Would you prefer block or script letters?'' ''Braille,'' she replied.

Commercial:Do Seagulls Circle your house?Does your boyfriend sing '' The shrimp boats are coming''?Do you make people vomit in the elevator?Try FDS!Feminnine hygene spray! two squirts will 'twinkle your twat'

The success of the ''Wonder Bra'' for under-endowed women, has encouraged the designers to come out with a bra forover-endowed women.It's called the ''Sheep Dog Bra''...It rounds them up and points them in the right direction.

The doctor said to the housewife,''I've got good news and I've got bad news.The good news is you don't have PMS.The bad news is - you're a bitch!''

Who makes all the bras for brunettes? Fisher-Price

Mother: What was the first thing you learned in
class ?
Daughter: How to talk without moving my lips !

What do toads drink ?
Croaka-cola !

Mister Smith rushes into the maternity ward, ''What's wrong?What's the emergency?''''Oh, Mister Smith, your child was just born and I have someterrible news for you. It's disfigured.''''Well, how bad is it? Can I see?''''Follow me, sir.''They head down a restricted corridor and come to the firstdoor. Inside, in the respirator, is a newborn child without arms.Mister Smith is upset, ''Oh my God! How terrible to be born this way!''The nurse interrupts, ''No Mister Smith, that isn't your child.Follow me, please.''They come to another room and there lies a newborn with no arms OR legs.Mister Smith cries, ''Oh dear God! What could be worse than this?''''No mister Smith, that's not your child. Follow me.''Next room down, Smith looks in. This kid is only a head. No body at all.''Oh my God! How awful! What could be worse than this?''''Not your child, sir. Follow me.''One more room left in the hall. Mister Smith forces himself toenter. There on a pillow is a single huge ear.''This is your child, Mister Smith.''Smitty goes nuts, ''Oh Lord! What could possibly be worsethan this!? But...It's still my son. I will talk to him, I will amuse him with bed-time stories. I will sing him lullabies...''''Sir, it's deaf.''

How do you know when the barmaid is really pissed off?When you find a string in your bloody mary.

Two mountain bred GIs were wandering the streets of calcutta when an old woman walked by. ''Hey, Billy Joe,'' one said, ''I think that's Mother Teresa.'' ''Your nuts.'' ''I'm telling you.''They approached the woman and one asked, ''Are you Mother Teresa?'' The old lady eyed them scornfully. ''Fuck off, you goddamn perverts,'' she hissed, striding off. ''Jeez,'' Billy Joe said, watching her disappear into the crowd, ''now we'll never know.''

Prostitute walks into a bar and asks the bar man for two Bacardi's and coke. Bar man serves her and notices that she drinks one and empties the other one down her panties. Now this happened another three times and thebar man was getting rather curious. The bar man nicely questions her and asks her why she is drinking one Barcardi and coke and throwing the other one down her panties. She replies, ''I just won the lottery and that's theonly cunt getting a drink out of me tonight!''

Do vegetarians eat animal

crackers?

What Mrs. Dumpty gave Humpty?

Have you ever imagined a world with no

hypothetical situations?

How can you tell if a parrot
is
intelligent?
It speaks in Polly-syllables!