Newest jokes

What do you get when you cross a collie with a

trumpet?
A Lassie who plays brassie!

What is the best kind of dog to direct traffic at
a
busy intersection?
A pointer!

|A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. ''I can hardly believe my eyes!'' he exclaimed. ''That's the smartest dog I've ever seen.''''Nah, he's not so smart,'' the friend replied. ''I've beaten him three games out of five.''

|Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.The first says, ''I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!''The second says, ''Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!''Then the third rat gets up and says, ''Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat.''

|There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted ''240-S''.The dealer asks, ''Why 'S'?''The snail replies, '''S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving.''Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say ''Wow! Look at that S-car go!''

How do eels get around the
seabed?
They go
by octobus.

How do you spell elephant ?
E-l-l-e-e-f-a-n-t
''That's not how the dictionary spells it''
''You didn't ask me
how the dictionary spelt it !''

Fred came home
from his first day at
school. ''Nothing exciting happened'', he told his
mother, ''Except the
teacher didn't know how to spell cat so I told
her''

Teacher: R-O-X does spell rocks?
Pupil:
What does it spell then !

THE teacher announced that to
practice
spelling, each member of the class would say what their fathers did

for a living and then spell the occupation.
Mary went first. ''My Dad
is a baker, b-a-k-e-r, and if he were here,
he would give everyone
a cookie.''
Next came Tommy. ''My dad is a banker, b-a-n-k-e-r, and
if he were
here, he'd give each of us a quarter.''
Third came
Jimmy. ''My dad is an electrician.' But after struggling
through a
number of attempts to spell the word, the teacher asked him
to sit
and think about it for a moment while she called on someone else.

She then turned to Johnny.
''My dad's a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e,'' Johnny
said. ''And if he were
here, he'd lay you 8 to 5 that Jimmy ain't
never gonnaspell
electrician.''

Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling.
During an oral
spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word ''new'' on
the
blackboard. ''Now,'' she asked Johnny, ''what word would we

have if we placed a ''K'' in the front?''

After a moment's
reflection, Johnny said, ''Canoe?''

''Johnny, where's your homework?'' Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand. ''My dog ate it,'' was his solemn response. ''Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?'' ''It's true, Miss Martin, I swear,'' insisted Johnny. ''I had to force him, but he ate it!''

A magician was
working on a
cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience
would be
different each
week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same
tricks over and
over
again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw
the shows
each week and
began to understand how the magician did
every trick. Once he
understood he started
shouting in the middle
of the show: ''Look, it's not the same hat''
''Look, he is hiding
the
flowers under the table'' ''Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of

Spades
?'' The magician
was furious but couldn't do anything; it
was, after all, the
captain's
parrot.
One day the ship had an
accident and sank. The magician found himself
on a piece of
wood
in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared
at
each other with hate,
but did not utter a word. This went on for a
day and another and
another.
After a week the parrot said:
''OK, I give up. Where's the boat?''

A group of Americans was touring

Ireland. One of the women in
the group was a real curmudgeon,
constantly complaining. The
bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is
terrible. It's too hot. It's
too cold. The accommodations are
awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.

''Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the

Blarney Stone,''the guide said. ''Unfortunately, it's being
cleaned
today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we
can come back
tomorrow.''

''We can't be here tomorrow,'' the nasty woman shouted.
''We
have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss

the stupid stone.''

''Well now,'' the guide said, ''it is said
that if you kiss someone
who has kissed the stone, you'll have the
same good fortune.''

''And I suppose you've kissed the stone,''
the woman scoffed.

''No, ma'am,'' the frustrated guide said,
''but I've sat on
it.''

Father O'Mally has been preaching
at his church in Ireland for so
long, that he decides to take a
vacation. He has never been married
and he is curious as to what an
American endures in everyday life. So,
he decides to go to the States
before it is too late. He hops on the
plane bound for Nevada. He
arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas.

As he is exiting the plane,
someone in the airport runs up to him and
exclaims, ''Elvis! Oh my God!
It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead
Elvis! How have you been?''
Father looks at her and says, ''Get outta
me
face. Can't you see
I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like
Elvis.''

The
father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and
he's
a little upset so he tells the cabby, ''Take me to my hotel and
step
on it.'' The cabby turns and says, ''Sure thing sir - Oh my God!
It's
Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's

so
great to see you!'' ''Shut up, you imbecile. I'm not Elvis!
Now turn
around and drive!''

So, the cabby speeds up to the
hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things
and walks up to the hotel
check-in counter. ''Oh my God! Oh my God!
It's you!'' screams the hotel
clerk. ''You're back Elvis! I knew this
day would happen. We saved
everything just the way you like it! Free
cheeseburgers, peanut
butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs,
and a full liquor bar!
I'm so glad you're back!''

Father O'Malley looks at the hotel
clerk and says, ''Thank you...
Thank
you very much!''

The Zen Master is visiting New York
City from Tibet.
He goes up to a
hot dog vendor and says, ''Make
me one with everything.''

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and
hands it to the Zen Master, who
pays with a $20 bill.

The
vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. ''Where's
my
change?'' asks the Zen Master.

The vendor responds, ''Change must come
from within.''

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
T2 Barbie ...a study in
silver

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Bugs Barbie ...buck teeth, long ears

Which bird ran for President?
H. Ross
Parrot

What did the rich socialite's parrot
say?
Polly want a cracker, with cavier please!