Newest jokes

Cross-eyed monster: When I grow up I want to be a

bus driver.
Witch: Well, I won't stand in your way.

Mrs Saggy:
Mrs Wrinkly tried to have a
facelift last week.
Mrs Baggy: Tried to?
Mrs Saggy: Yes, they
couldn't find a crane strong enough to lift her
face!

They say Margaret is a raving beauty.
You
mean she's escaped from the funny farm?

First witch: My beauty
is timeless.

Second witch: Yes, it could stop a clock.

A witch went into a beauty parlor and asked the

assistant how much it would cost to make her look like a film star.

''Nothing,'' replied the assistant.
''Nothing?'' she asked, ''but
how can I look like a film star?''
''Haven't you seen a film called
The Creature from the Black Lagoon?''
replied the assistant.

First girl: I spend hours in front of the mirror
admiring
my beauty. Do you think that's vanity?
Second girl:
No, it's imagination.

Why did the artist put on a show of
horse
paintings?
He wanted to mount an exhibit!

Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell. Satan is giving him a VIP tour, showing him his options for spending eternity.They come to a room marked ''Hitler.'' Inside is Eva Braun, torturing Adolf Hitler with red-hot irons. Every time Hitler tries to escape,Eva applies another iron. ''I can't spend eternity like that,'' says Clinton. ''Show me something else.'' Satan takes him to another room marked ''Jack the Ripper.''Inside are three mutilated prostitutes, stretching Jack on the rack.Every time Jack screams, the whores turn the wheel a little more. ''I can't spend eternity like that, either,'' says Clinton. ''Show me something better.'' Satan takes Bill to the last door.Inside, Kenneth Starr is being held up to the wall with chains around his wrists. At his groin is Monica Lewinsky giving him oral sex. Bill smiles. ''Yes!'' he shouts, ''that's for me.'' Satan smirks and says ''Good choice, Mr. President.''He looks down at Monica and says...''You can get up now, Honey. We've finally found your replacement!''

There are four guys in the park who get arrested for blowing bubbles. In the court room one guy comes in, the judge says, ''who are you and what are you charged with''??''I'm duck and i got charged for blowing bubbles in the park''.2nd one comes in, '' who are you and what are you charged with''?''I'm duck duck and i was charged for blowing bubbles in the park''.3rd one comes in.'' Who are you and what were you charged with''?''I'm duck duck duck and i was charged for blowing bubbles in the park''.4th one comes in judge says ''let me guess, your duck duck duck duck, and charged for blowing bubbles in the park?''''NO, he says...I'm bubbles!!''.

Who is the smelliest, hairiest monarch in

the world?
King Pong.

What happened when the lion ate the
comedian ?
He felt funny !

What is the easiest way to make a
banana
split?
Cut it in half.

How did Revlon come up with it's brunette hair color?By studying what oil spills did to seaweed.

Woman goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk for two AA batteries. The clerk gestures with his fingers and says, ''Come this way,'' and heads towards the back of the store.''If I could come that way,'' she tells the retreating clerk, ''I wouldn't need the batteries.''

Three Things Women Can Do That Men Can't:1. Bleed for a week and not die.2. Give milk without eating grass3. Bury an eight inch bone faster than any dog!

Where do Snowmen go to dance?
To
snowballs.

Fred: Your sister uses too much make-up.

Harry: Do you think so?
Fred: Yes. It's so thick that if you tell her
a joke, five minutes
after she's stopped laughing her face is
still smiling!

Wife to
Husband: I'll have you know I've
got the face of a teenager!
Husband to Wife: Then you should give it
back, you're wearing it
out.

|The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy.He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Submarine School. The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, ''Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch.''

|Time sensitive note: This joke pertains to the crash of a Chinese plane into a United States plane over International waters. China demanded an apology from us and stole technology from our plane when it was forced to make an emergency landing in Chinese lands.Dear China,We're sorry you don't train your fighter pilots better. As a token of our apology, here's a copy of Microsoft Flight Simulator 2000.We're also sorry your front-line fighter planes can't outmaneuver a 35-year old prop-driven airliner. Perhaps you'd like to purchase some surplus 1950's-era Lockheed Starfighters from Taiwan...since they just replaced all theirs with new F-16's.We're also sorry you believe your territorial waters extend all the way to Australia. For future reference, here's an American 6th grade geography textbook. (Please note the Copyright information printed inside the cover.) In addition, we're sorry you can't seem to see your part of this incident. We know it seems easier to blame others than to take responsibility. Consider this while we build several new Aegis destroyers for our friends in Taiwan. Finally, we're sorry we granted you Most-Favored-Nation trading status. This will be rectified at the soonest possible opportunity. Along those lines, we're especially sorry we treated you with such respect for the last 20 years. We'll definitely rethink this policy, and will probably go back to treating you like a street gang very soon. Sincerely, The People of the United States of America