Newest jokes

Teacher: How can you make so many mistakes in
just
one day ?
Pupil: I get up early !

Teacher: What time do you get up in the morning

?
About an hour and a half after I arrived at school

''You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man ofyour background,'' sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. ''If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment,'' replied the witness.

The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through thebrush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks theass of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says,''Hey! Cut it out, alright!''The rear tiger says, ''sorry,'' and they continue.After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turnsaround and cuffs the rear tiger and says,''I said stop it!'' The rear tiger says, ''sorry,'' and they continue.After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, ''What is it with you, anyway?''The rear tiger replies, ''Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to getthe taste out of my mouth!''

A girl sees three dogs in the park and kneels down to pet them. ''What's your name?'' she asks the first. To her surprise, the dog answers ''My name's Huey and I'm having a great day going in and out of puddles.'' She goes up to the second dog and asks ''What's your name?'' The dog replies ''My name's Duey and I'm having a great day going in and out of puddles.'' She turns to the third dog and says ''I suppose you're going to tell me your names Luey and you're having a great day going in and out of puddles.'' The dog replies ''No, I'm having a fucking miserable day and my name is Puddles.''

An Eagle is circling at about 5,000 ft. when he spies a field mouse down below him. He dives down and eats the mouse. After a little while the mouse works his way out the eagles butt. Proceeding to look around the mouse says: ''Tail gunner to pilot...Tail gunner to pilot..''The eagle says ''what do you want?''The mouse asks how high up they are.The eagle thinks for a moment and then says ''ohh about 5,000 ft.''The mouse then replies ''You wouldn't be shittin me now would ya??''

Two girls were talking in the corridor.
'That
boy over there is getting on my nerves,' said Clarrie.
'But
he's not even looking at you,' replied Clara.
'That's what's
getting on my nerves,' retorted Clarrie.

Why did the boy stand behind the horse?
He
thought he might get a kick out of it!

Why did the farmer call his
horse
Baseball?
Because it's covered with horsehide!

Who did the breeder call when his horse was

possessed by an evil spirit?
An exhorsist!

Why are chorus girls like barge horses?
They
have to tow the line!

Which route should you take through the woods

when riding a fizzy horse?
The psycho-path!

Why are haunted houses so noisy in April?

That's when the ghosts do their spring screaming!

Student l: ''Did
you know that ghosts are
protected by the Constitution?''
Student 2: ''They are?''
Student 1:
''Sure. It's in the Bill of Frights!''

Q: How do ghosts fly from
one place to
another? A: By scareplane.

''Dad,'' said the boy, ''we had a spelling contest in school today, and I missed on the very first word.'' ''That's too bad Son.'' consoled the Father, ''What was the word ?'' ''Posse.''

The little boy comes home from school and asks mom, ''Where do babies come from?'' Not wanting to get into the discussion of sex at such an early time she replies, ''From the stork of course!'' The little guy thinks for a fewseconds and then asks, ''But mom, who fucks the stork?''

One morning a little girl ran inside and said ''Daddy, Daddy my sister and the man you hired last week are up on the hay loft in the barn on all that new hay we just bought. She has her dress up and he has his pants down. I think they are about to piss all over that new hay!''

There is a new Barbie doll on
the
market - Joker Barbie ...Barbie with Joker grin and white
face

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
Dirty Harry Barbie ...comes with
large caliber pistol; pull the
string and she says, ''Go ahead >giggle<
Make my day!''