Newest jokes

|Reason's why it's great to be a woman Free drinks. Free dinners. Free movies. Speeding ticket? What's that? New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life. If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so, out loud. If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling. You can sleep your way to the top. You can sue the President for sexual harassment. It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower. No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo. Brad Pitt. No one passes out when you take off your shoes. Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store. If you forget to shave, no one has to know. If you're dumb, some people will find it cute. You have the ability to dress yourself. If you marry someone twenty years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist. You can quickly end any fight by crying. Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth. There are times when chocolate really Can solve all your problems. You've never had a goatee. You'll never regret piercing your ears. You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes. You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark. You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can.

|A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage much less living together.But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, ''June.''''Yes, this is June.''''Will you marry me?''''Of course I will! Who's this?''

|A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, ''How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?'' He got the following reply.''Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?''After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: ''Move over!''

|Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place.''It's just too hot to wear clothes today,'' complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. ''Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?''''Probably that I married you for your money.''

|John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, ''I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away.''Just then Jessica said, ''I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed.'' So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, ''Sir your license has expired.'' And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning. Jessica said, ''I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired.'' Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, ''Jessica, shut your mouth!'' pr0perty0fgl0wp0rtThe officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. ''Does your husband always talk to you like that?''Jessica replied, ''only when he's drunk.''

|A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.The bartender asks the seal, ''What's your pleasure?''The seal replies, ''Anything but Canadian Club.''

|John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.''How did you like that jump, buddy?'' said a proud John to a deck hand.''It was great,'' said the sailor. ''But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!''

|There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

|Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example, observe the following examples below.The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means ''bite the wax tadpole'' or ''female horse stuffed with wax'' depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, ''ko-kou-ko-le,'' which can be loosely translated as ''happiness in the mouth.''In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan ''Come alive with the Pepsi Generation'' came out as ''Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead.''Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan ''finger-lickin' good'' came out as ''eat your fingers off.''The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, ''Salem - Feeling Free,'' got translated in the Japanese market into ''When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty.''When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that ''no va'' means ''it won't go.'' After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say ''It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you.'' However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word ''embarazar'' meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that ''It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.''An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired ''I Saw the Pope'' in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed ''I Saw the Potato.''Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

She's so ugly that when a wasp stings her it
shuts
its eyes.

Fred: What's
that terribly ugly thing on
your shoulders?
Harry: Help! What is it?
Fred: Your head!

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her

pending divorce, and asked, ''What are the grounds for your
divorce?''

She replied, ''About four acres and a nice little home in the
middle of
the property with a stream running by.''

''No,'' he
said, ''I mean what is the foundation of this case?''

''It is made
of concrete, brick and mortar,'' she responded.

''I mean,'' he
continued, ''What are your relations like?''

''I have an aunt and
uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's
parents.''


He said, ''Do you have a real grudge?''

''No,'' she replied, ''We
have a two-car carport and have never really
needed one.''


''Please,'' he tried again, ''is there any infidelity in your
marriage?''


''Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't
necessarily
like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.''


''Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?''

''Yes,''
she responded, ''about twice a week he gets up earlier than I
do.''


Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, ''Lady, why do you
want a
divorce?''

''Oh, I don't want a divorce,'' she replied.
''I've never wanted a
divorce. My husband does. He said he can't
communicate with me!''

|To The Tune Of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town Oh you better not shout, you better not cry, You better not pout, I'm tellin' you why, Daddy's home and I think he's drunk. He's walkin' real slow, he slurs when he speaks, I don't even think he's shaved in two weeks, Daddy's home and boy is he drunk, He spent most of our money on Johnny Walker Black And then he took all of the rest and lost it at the track. Sooooooo.... You better not pout, you better not cry, I don't like that look in his eye, Daddy's home and I think he's.... Daddy's home and boy is he....... Daddy's home and he's really drunk!

|T'was the Internet Night Before Christmas'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,While visions of Java danced in their dreams.My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.When what to my wondering eyes should appear,My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;''Now Compaq! Now Acer!'', my speaker did reel;''On Apple! On Gateway!'' Santa started to squeal!''Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!''The screen gave a flicker, he was into my ''Ram'',Then into my room rose a full hologram!He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.He defragged my hard drive, and added a ''Dimm'',Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,As he added the latest version of Netscape.The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,Back into the net with barely a blink.But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,''Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!''

|(Sung to the tune of ''Winter Wonderland'')Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',I'm happy -- althoughMy boss let me go --Happily addicted to the Web.All night long, I sit clicking,Unaware time is ticking,There's beard on my cheek,Same clothes for a week,Happily addicted to the Web!Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, ''Yo, man!Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?''With a listless shrug, I mutter ''No, man;I just discovered laugh-a-lot-dot-com!''I don't phone, don't send faxes,Don't go out, don't pay taxes,Who cares if somedayThey drag me away?I'm happily addicted to the Web!Happ-ilyyyyy, ad-dict-eeeed to the Weeeeeb!!! (Yeah!)

|Effective immediately, the following economizing measures are being implemented in the ''Twelve Days of Christmas'' subsidiary: 1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance 2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated 3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French 4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked. 5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order 6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one 7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement 8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching 9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps 10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year 11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved. Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (''thirteen lawyers-a-suing''), a decision is pending. Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Why was Easter the aardvark's
favorite
holiday?
Because he liked aard-boiled eggs!

What has 200 legs, 50 noses, and
is very
loud?
A herd of stampeding aardvarks!

If - H 2 O - is on the inside of
a
fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
K 9 P

How do bees get to
school ?
By school
buzz !