Newest jokes

Peter and Jim were partners in a profitable painting-contracting business. Unfortunately, they weren't entirely honest, because they mixed their paint with water.One day Jim's conscience started to bother him as they painted a poor widow's house. The next day Jim told Peter he just couldn't be dishonest anymore.''Don't quit now,'' Peter begged. ''A few more jobs and we can retire.''Jim refused to change his mind.''Peter,'' he said. ''I just can't do it. Last night an angel stood by my bed and said - 'Repaint, repaint... you thinner.'''

Q: Why do little girls carry goldfish in their pockets?A: To smell like big girls.

Q: What's the quickest way to a woman's heart?A: Straight through the rib cage.

'Mum, there's a man at the door collecting
for the Old Folk's Home.
Shall I give him Grandma ?'

John kept pestering his parents to buy a
video, but they said
they couldn't afford one. So one day John came
home clutching a
package containing a brand-new video.
'Where in
the World did you get the money to pay for that ?' asked
his
father suspiciously.
'It's OK, Dad,' replied John, 'I've traded the
TV in for
it.'

A certain little boy had been spanked
by
his father one morning. When his dad came in from the office that

evening, the boy called out sulkily, ' Mum ! your husband's just come

home.'

'Mum,' yelled Johnny from the kitchen,
'you know that dish you were
always worried that I would break
?'
'Yes dear, what about it ?'
'Well your worries are over.'

What food best describes a man? Jerky

Why is a man at his smartest when he is having sex? Because he's plugged into a woman!

Why did God give men larger brains than dogs? So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

These two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, ''Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year.'' The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. The guyssaid ''What's that board for?'' The trader said, ''Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this.''They said ''No way! We've sworn off women for life!'' The trader said,'' Well. take the boards with you, and if you don't use themI'll refund your money next year. ''Okay,'' they said and left.Next year this guy came into the trader's store and said ''Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year.'' The trader said, ''Weren't you in here last year with a partner?''''Yeah'' said the guy.''Where is he?'' asked the trader.''I shot him'' said the guy.''Why?''''I caught him in bed with my board.''

Q: How do u get 4 gay men to sit on 1 stoll?A: you turn it over!Sent by gms38

How do
you measure a Villanova graduate's
I.Q.?
With a tire gauge.

Why was the school
principal not
pleased when he bumped into an old friend ?
They were both driving
their cars at the time !

A monster goes to a petrol station and
says: Fill me up
The man at the petrol station replies: You have to
have a car for me to
do that!.
The monster replies: But I had a
car for lunch!

A boy sat on a train chewing gum and

staring vacantly into space, when suddenly an old woman sitting
opposite
said, 'It's no good you talking to me, young man, I'm stone
deaf
!'

What is a drill team?
A group of dentists
who work together.

Why do people dislike going to
the
dentist?
Because he is boring.

What do frogs drink ?
Hot croako !

Where do frogs keep their treasure ?
In a
croak of gold at the end of the rainbow !