Newest jokes

A blind man walks into a store
with his
seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and
begins
swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and
asks,
''What are you doing?!!'' The blind man replies, ''Just looking

around.''

Why are spiders good swimmers ?
They have
webbed feet !

How do you see that a linedancer came from
Belgium
and not from the Netherlands?
He wears the cardboard box on
his boots.

An avid line dancing couple
go to the doctor
for a check up because they are having trouble
remembering anything
but, all the latest line dances. The doctor finds them in
excellent
health (of course), but suggests that writing things down may
help
their memories off the dance floor. That night the husband gets up

to go the kitchen and the wife asks for a dish of ice cream, suggesting

that maybe he write it down. He says ''I don't need to write it
down''
She says ''Well I want Strawberries on it, so maybe you better
write it
down'' ''I don''t need to write it down'' He says and walks off
in a
huff. Twenty minutes later he comes back with a plate of bacon
and eggs.
''I told you to write it down'' she says, ''You forgot my

toast''.

Should I have a baby after 35?

No, 35
children is enough.

What Do you tell a woman with two black
eyes
?

Nothing, you told her twice.

What do you call a woman who has lost
95% of
her intelligence?
Divorced.

Why do women pay more attention to their
appearance than
to improving their minds?

Because most men are
stupid, but few are blind.

Teacher: Who was the
first woman on earth?

Fred: I don't know, Sir.
Teacher: Come on, Fred, it has
something to do with an apple.
Fred: Granny Smith?

What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.

A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's caris total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches,dirt and blood. He asks his friend,''What's happened to your car?''''Well,'' the friend responses, ''I ran into a lawyer''.''OK,'' says the man, ''that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?''''Well, I had to chase him all through the park.''

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing atthe counter methodically placing ''Love'' stamps on bright pink envelopes with heartsall over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all overthem.His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man andasks him what he is doing. The man says ''I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cardssigned, 'Guess who?'''''But why?'' asks the man.''I'm a divorce lawyer,'' the man replies.

Why are
cigarettes sold at gas
stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why is it that at class reunions you

feel younger than everyone else looks?

Do vampires get AIDS?

What will fall on the lawn first? An

autumn leaf or a Christmas catalogue?

Do steam rollers really roll

steam?

|WOMEN?S LANGUAGE TRANSLATEDYes = NoNo = YesMaybe = NoI?m sorry. = You?ll be sorry.We need... = I wantIt?s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want... = You?ll pay for this later. We need to talk... = I need to complain Sure...go ahead = I don?t want you to.I?m not upset = Of course I?m upset, you moron! You?re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You?re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I?m going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you?re really not going to like.I?ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.Am I fat? = Tell me I?m beautiful.You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you?re dead.Was that the baby? = Why don?t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important. In response to What?s wrong?:The same old thing = NothingNothing = EverythingNothing, really = It?s just that you?re such an idiot!

When do ghosts play tricks on each other?
On
April Ghoul's Day

Why don't ghosts make good magicians.
You
can see right through their tricks.