Newest jokes

Fred: You've got a Roman nose.
Harry: Like
Julius Caesar?
Fred: No, it's roamin' all over your face.

Why did the monster go into hospital?
To
have his ghoul-stones removed.

Monster: Where do fleas go in
winter?

Werewolf: Search me!

What is a monster's favourite
drink?
Demonade.

One
agent stops by another agent's
table to tell him the big news: ''Elvis
just died!''

The
second agent says nothing, then starts nodding. ''Good career
move.''

The producer of a low budget film is

trying to convince the newly hired director of the quality of the work
by
telling him the big names they've gotten for the cast.


''First of all,'' he tells him, ''We've got Gibson in the lead.''


The director is surprised, ''You got Mel Gibson?''

''Well, no,''
the Producer responds, ''we got Marvin Gibson, he's a
distant cousin
who lives in Queens, but he's very up and coming. And
besides,
we've also got Redford.''

''You got Robert Redford?'' the director
asks.

''No, we got Jeremy Redford, but he's very talented and
has lots of
acting experience from years of dinner theater. But,'' he
says
enthusiastically, '' we've got Streisand and in a singing
role.''

''Barbara Streisand?'' he asks.

''No, Elizabeth
Streisand.'' The Producer responds. ''But she's got a
great voice. AND
we've got Goulet.''

''You got Robert Goulet?'' the director asks.


''Yeah,'' the producer replies glumly, ''we got Robert
Goulet.''

After a venerable career of endless,

stellar successes the greatest director who ever lived is in his prime
and
preparing for his most ambitious project ever when he
unexpectedly dies
and is called home to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the
gate.

''So sorry about your untimely death,'' he tells the
director. ''But
God himself has called you home. You see, God wants you to
direct a movie
for Him.''

The great man is humbled, ''God
wants ME to direct a film?''

''Yes,'' St. Peter tells him. ''And
we've arranged to have the best of
everything made available to you.
For example, the script is by William
Shakespeare.''

The
director is stunned, ''An original screenplay by William
Shakespeare?''


''Yes,'' St. Peter assures him, ''And it's his greatest work ever.''


''Wow!'' says the Director, awe struck.

''Your Production
Designer will be Michaelangelo. We've got Leonardo
Da Vinci d
oing the sets, your musical score will be an original work by

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and your cast includes a young Laurence Olivier

and the greatest actors of all time in supporting roles.''

The
Director can't believe it. ''This is incredible,'' he says. ''This

will be the greatest movie ever?''

St. Peter kind of shuffles his
feet. ''Well,'' he says, ''we do have
one tiny little problem.''


''Problem?'' says the director. ''What kind of a problem?''

St.
Peter puts his arm around the director's shoulder, ''Ya see,'' he

whispers, ''God's got this girlfriend...''

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman.

At a jury trial with the jury consisting of 8 men and 4 women:Defendant: ''Your Honor, I wish to change my plea.''Judge: ''Is someone using undue influence to prompt you to change your mind?''Defendant: ''No sir, when I pleaded Not Guilty I didn't know there would be women on the jury. Since I can't even fool my wife, I'll never be able to fool the four women jurors.''

What sort of violin does a
ghost play?
A
dreadivarius.

Which day of the week do ghosts like best?

Moandays.

Why were the ghosts wet and tired?
They had
just dread-ged the lake.

Which ghost sailed the seven seas looking for

rubbish and blubber?
The ghost of BinBag the Whaler.

A fireman and
policeman died and both
went to heaven where they were issued their wings with
the
warning
that if they had even one bad thought their wings would fall off.
Well,
everything went well for some time then
one day they passed
a very attractive and well put together young lady.
As the fireman
turned to watch her
pass his wings fell off. When he bent over to
pick them up the
policemans wings fell off.

Q: Did you know that the three wise men
were firemen?

A: It says they came from afir (a fire, a far).

|A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial -- it went like this:Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.Q: Officer, who provided this description?A: The officer who responded to the scene.Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?A: Yes sir, with my life.Q: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a locker room in the police station, a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?A: Yes sir, we do.Q: And do you have a locker in that room?A: Yes sir, I do.Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?A: Yes sir.Q: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.

|A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver.''Mam, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road''?The woman replied, ''Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!''Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, ''Ma'am... that's your air freshener.''

|A farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over.The cop asked the farmer, ''Didn't you know it is against the law to ride with a pig in the front of you truck?''The farmer replied, ''No, I didn't knowed that.''The cop ask the farmer where he was going and he said, ''To Memphis''. The cop said, ''I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis.''So the farmer promised he would.Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the road and he pulled him over again.The cop said ''I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo when you got to Memphis'' and to this the farmer replied ''I did and we had so much fun, I'm taking him to the circus.''

|HEADLINE: A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club. Police are looking into it.

Little monster: Mom,
why can't we have
dustbins like everyone else?
Mother monster: Less talking, more
eating please.