Newest jokes

Johnny is walking along and a priest is coming the other way. Johnny says, ''Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards?''The priest says, ''Because I'm a father.''Johnny says, ''Yeah? Well, my old man's got three kids and he don't wear his collar backwards.''The priest says ''You don't understand, son. I have thousands of children.'' Johnny says, ''You should wear your fuckin' trousers backwards.''

A travelling salesman stopped alongside a field on a country road to rest a few minutes.The man had just closed his eyes when a horse came to the fence and beganto boast about his past. ''Yes sir, I'm a fine horse. I've run in 25 racesand won over Ł5 million. I keep my trophies in the barn.''The salesman worked out the value of having a talking horse, found thehorse's owner and offered a handsome sum for the animal.''Oh, you don't want that horse,'' said the farmer.''Yes I do,'' said the salesman, ''and I'll give you Ł10,000 for the horse.''Recognising a good deal, the farmer said without hesitation, ''He's yours.''While he wrote out his cheque, the salesman asked, ''By the way, whywouldn't I want your horse?''''Because,'' said the farmer, ''he's a liar - he hasn't won a race in hislife.''

One day the zoo-keeper noticed that ''Cheech'' the orang-utang was reading two books -- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.In surprise he asked the ape, ''Why are you reading both those books''?''Well,'' said the orang-utang, ''I just wanted to know if I was my brother'skeeper or my keeper's brother.''

A little boy squirrel and a little girl squirrel were chattering and playing around when up comes a fox. The girl squirrel dashed up a tree, but the boy squirrel stayed on the ground. ''That's strange,'' said the fox. ''Usually squirrels are afraid of me and run to the nearest tree.'' ''Listen, bud,'' replied the boy squirrel. ''Did you ever try to climb a tree when you were in love?''

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said ''My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'' ''Well,'' said the vet, ''lets have a look at him.'' So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes. ''Hmm,'' says the vet, ''I'm going to have to put him down'' ''Just because he's cross-eyed?'' says the man. ''No, because he's heavy,'' says the vet.

A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until reaches heavily into the ground with a hard knock over his shell.After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.The little turtle insisted again and again after each knock, while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, looking the turtle with pain..suddenly the female bird says to the male: ''Hey dear, I think it's time to tell our little turtle he is adopted.''

|A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, ''Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!'' ''So?'' asked the ducks former owner, ''did you remember to light the candle under the pot?''

|A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, ''What'll it be buddy?''The man says, ''Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles.'' The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking. ''You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have.'' The bartender hastily asks, ''What do you have pal?'' The man quickly replies, ''I have a dollar.''

|A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, ''I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass.''The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, ''Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?''The man answers, ''Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the

|A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, ''Say, father, what causes arthritis?'' ''Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.'' ''Well I'll be.'' the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. ''I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?'' ''I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.''

|An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, ''You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.'' The Irishman replies, ''Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.'' The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, ''I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.'' The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. ''Oh, no,'' he says, ''Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking.''

Whats the difference between a bunch of lawyers in a porcheand a porcupine? - A porcupine has pricks on the outside!

What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a pig? Nothing, there's some things even a pig won't do!

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.The attorney asks, ''Before you signed thedeath certificate had you taken the man's pulse?'' The coroner says, ''No.'' The attorney then asks, ''Did you listen for a heart beat?'' ''No.'' ''So when you signed the death certificate you had not takenany steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?'' The corner, now tired of the brow beating says, ''Well, let meput it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on mydesk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing lawsomewhere.''

|Monahan stumbled into a saloon, half crocked. ''Say,'' he said to the bartender, ''how tall is a penguin?'' ''About two and a half feet.'' ''Thank God!'' cried Monahan. ''I thought I ran over a nun!''

|Paddy was an inveterate drunkard. The priest met him one day, and gave him a strong lecture about drink. He said, ''If you continue drinking as you do, you'll gradually get smaller and smaller, and eventually you'll turn into a mouse.'' This frightened the life out of Paddy. He went home that night, and said to his wife, ''Bridget....if you should notice me getting smaller and smaller, will ye kill that blasted cat?''

|A surgeon and an architect, both English, were joined by an Irish politician, and all fell to arguing as to whose profession was the oldest. Said the surgeon, ''Eve was made from Adam's rib, and that surely was a surgical operation.'' ''Maybe,'' said the architect, ''but prior to that, order was created out of chaos, and that was an architectural job.'' ''Shure now,'' interrupted the politician, ''but somebody created the chaos first.''

|Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into the river where he drowned. The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in deepest black, was standing on the church steps after Mass, receiving condolences and enjoying every minute of it, when an old friend of the contractor came up. ''I'm sorry, Mary, for your trouble,'' offered the friend. ''Did Mike leave you well fixed?'' ''Oh, he did!'' she said. ''He left me almost a half million dollars.'' ''Well now, that's not bad for a man who couldn't read or write.'' ''Nor swim either,'' added the widow.

Why did the pig run away from the pig

sty?
He felt that the other pigs were taking him for grunted.

Why did the pig join the Army?
He heard the
food was a mess.