Newest jokes

Where did the Easter Bunny go to college?

Johns Hopkins!

'You boy !' called a policeman.' Can you

help ? We're looking for a man with a huge red nose called

Cotters......'
'Really ?' said the boy. 'What're his ears called
?'

As two boys
were passing the rectory, the
minister leaned over the wall and showed
them a ball.
''Is this
yours'' he asked
''Did it do any damage'' asked one of the boys
''No''
replied the minister
''Then it's mine !''

Did you hear about the two little boys who

found themselves in a modern art gallery by mistake ?
'Quick,'
said one, 'run ! Before they say we did it !

Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife,

meat, eggs, blow job?
A: The blow job. You can beat your wife,
your eggs, or your meat; but
you just can't beat a blow job.

Q: How many perverts does it take to
put in
a light bulb?
A: Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to
get it out!

Q: What did the
elephant say to the naked
man?
A: It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?

Q. What has
seventy-five balls and screws
old ladies?
A. Bingo!

Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A.
Same thing as a ''quickie'', only you do it yourself.

here were these 3 Riverside City Firemen
who always went bird hunting
together and they always rented
a
hunting dog name Rex from a local farmer. Rex was a great dog and would

always hold point and find any
birds they shoot. One year they
did't go hunting and the farmer rented
Rex out to some Corona City
Firemen
who used him that season. The next year the Riverside guys
went to rent
Rex from the farmer for hunting but
the farmer had
bad news for them. He told them Rex was no longer any
good for
hunting and didn't have a
replacement for him and to tell the Corona
firemen they were not
welcome there any more and that if he saw
them
he would probably shoot them for what they did to Rex. The R.F.D.

guys asked the farmer what the
Corona boys did that could be so bad.
Well the farmer said last year
when they rented Rex it all started
off fine
until one of the Corona guys decided to rename him. We
ll whats wrong
with that they asked. The farmer said
they
renamed him CHIEF and now all he does is sit on his ass and bark
all the
time.

Three firefighters
went out on a
hunting trip. There was a rookie, a captain, and a chief.
The weather
was
misrable and they hadn't seen any deer all day. They came across
an
old shack where they went inside to play
a game of poker.
After loosing a couple of hands, the rookie threw down
his cards and
said ''that does it! I am
going out to get me a deer.'' Fifteen minutes
later, the rookie came
back with a nice four point buck.
The
captain and chief asked, ''how did you get that?'' The rookie replied,

''I walked out fifty feet, followed some
tracks and shot this buck''.
The captain then said, ''I've had enough
of this I am going to get
my deer.'' He
came back a half hour later with a 6-point buck. The
chief asked, ''how
did you get that?'' The captain replied,
''I walked
out a hundred feet, followed some tracks and shot this
buck.'' The
chief not wanting to be out done
said ''I am out of here, I am g
oing to bag the biggest buck of the
day.'' He came back an hour
later, all mangled
up and bloody. The rookie and captain asked, ''what
happened to you?''
The chief replied, ''I walked out there
five
hundred feet, followed some tracks, and got hit by a
train.''

Q: Why don't Deputy Fire Marshals look
out
the window in the morning?
A: So they have something to do in
the afternoon.

How many firemen does it take
to change
a light bulb?
Four - three to cut a hole in the roof and one to
change the bulb.

|For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.''Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?''

|The following is a true story written by an educational psychologist and her experience on a plane.On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist.The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston.Then she inquired what I did for a living.I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice. Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, ''If there's anything you want to know, just ask me.''

|A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says ''You can't bring that dog in here!'' The guy, without missing a beat, says ''This is my seeing-eye dog.'' ''Oh man, '' the bartender says, ''I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me.'' The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says ''You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog.'' The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says ''Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!''The second man replies ''This is my seeing-eye dog.'' The bartender says, ''No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs.'' The man pauses for a half-second and replies ''What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?''

|A man walks into a bar and says, ''Bartender, give me two shots.'' Bartender says, ''You want them both now or one at a time?'' The guy says,'' Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here,'' and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.The bartender asks ''He can drink?'' ''Oh, sure. He can drink.'' So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. ''That's amazing'' says the bartender. ''What else can he do, can he walk?'' The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, ''Hey, Jake. Go get that.'' The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.The bartender is in total shock. ''That's amazing'' he says, ''what else can he do? Does he talk?'' The man says ''Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!''

|A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk ''do you live here?'' ''Yep''. ''Would you like me to help you upstairs?'' ''Yep''. When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked ''Is this your floor?'' ''Yep''.Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk ''Do you live here?'' ''Yep''. ''Would you like me to help you upstairs?'' ''Yep''. So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried ''Please officer, protect me from this man.He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!''

|The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.1. It's an incentive to show up.2. It reduces stress.3. It leads to more honest communications.4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.8. It encourages carpooling.9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.11. It makes fellow employees look better.12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.

|The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.