Newest jokes

Why are there no
aspirin in the
jungle?
The parrots eat em all (Paracetamol)

What do you get if you cross a bee with a

parrot?
An animal that's always telling you how busy it is!

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
Human Cannonball Barbie
...complete with spring-loaded cannon that
will shoot her 15-20 feet

Why did the University of Oklahoma researcher

stay awake every night?
He was trying to find a cure for
insomnia.

Why don't Purdue athletes
eat pickles?

They can't get their heads in the jar.

What does the N on the Nebraska
football
helmet stand for?
''Nowledge.''

How do you know a Brigham
Young student's
been mowing the lawn?
The welcome mat is destroyed.

Little Gregory wakes up in the middle of the night feeling alone and scared. He goes into his mother's room for comfort and he sees his mom standing naked in front of the mirror. She is rubbing her chest and groaning, ''I want a man, I want a man.'' Shaking his head in bewilderment, Gregory takes off to bed. Next night the same thing happens. On the third night, Gregory wakes up and goes into his mom's room but this time there is a man in bed with his mom.Gregory hoofs back to his room and whips off his pajamas, rubs his chest and groans '' I want a bike, I want a bike.''

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude.But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.''It's a period'' reported Johnnie. ''Well I can see that'' she said. ''But what is so exciting about a period?''''Damned if I know'' said Johnnie, ''but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.''

One of my first evenings back from overseas, my girl's understanding parents left us alone in the living room. Naturally, we did not talk all the time. In the midst of a kiss, I noticed her little sister in her nightgown watching us from the doorway.''If you will be a good girl and go to bed, I will give you a quarter,'' I said to her.Without taking the bribe or saying a word, she ran off but soon was back again.''Here is a dollar,'' she said. ''I wanna watch.''

Little Johnny goes into a pharmacy and asks the chemist for some rubbers.The chemist puts a pack of rubbers on the counter. Johnny looks at therubbers and asks the chemist if he has any other kind. The chemist goesinto the back and brings out another pack. ''Nah,'' says Johnny, ''what elsedo you have?'' ''Well,'' the chemist replies, ''the only other kind that Ihave are the ones with all the bumps and ridges on them. Do you know whatthese will do to a woman?'' Little Johnny says, ''No... but they'll make agoat jump about two feet off of the ground!''

A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher asked, ''What's theproblem, Carol? I hope it's not homework again.''''Well, uh, yes, it is.'' replied Carol. ''I was stupid and made myhomework paper into a paper airplane.''''Carol, you're right, that wasn't a very bright thing to do,'' said theteacher, ''but this once I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand itin.''''Oh, but that won't work,'' said Carol, looking even sadder. ''You see,the plane was hijacked.''

|Another twist to this would be to distribute fifteen blank keys to male friends of the bride-to-be and two more blank keys to a guy and a very old lady. Then, during the reception, while people are making toasts, announce to everyone that since the bride is no longer available, any guy with a key to her apartment should turn it in at the tray that has been set up, whereby the fifteen pre-selected men would walk up and turn in their keys and make the same announcement for the groom, whereby both the old lady and the other guy would both walk up with their key.

|At the rehearsal dinner for my boss' daughter and son-in-law-to-be, a loud eight-months pregnant teenage girl suddenly appeared at the back of the room screaming ten minutes worth of curses that would befall the groom if he didn't marry the pregnant girl like he promised. It was set up by the boss' wife, and I am told that the groom very nearly burst into tears protesting his innocence.

|A groom's friends decided to throw his bachelor party the day before the wedding, and as often happens on these occasions, by the end of the evening, everyone was completely drunk, and none moreso than the guest of honor, who promptly passed out in a corner of the room.When he woke up, he found himself sitting in an airline seat with no wallet or money or anything on him except a one way ticket to San Francisco. He was worried sick until he finally arrived at San Francisco from New Jersey, where he found a ticket at the courtesy counter back to New Jersey. It seems that one of his prospective in-laws worked for an airline and had some comp airfare to use.The groom got back to New Jersey barely four hours before the ceremony, and was barely able to stay awake long enough to say ''I do''.

|You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as ''Area 51?'' Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their ''secret'' base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying ''you-did-not-see-a-base'' briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, ''Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!''

|The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, ''I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others.''

|A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office. ''Since we weren't actually at war,'' the General began, ''I can't give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated.What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it be?'' Soldier 1: ''The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!'' General: ''Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds''Soldier 2: ''The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!''General: ''Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds'' Soldier 3: ''The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!''General: ''That's a strange but fair request, son!As the general begins the measurement: ''What! Son, where is your left pinky?''Soldier 3: ''Falkland Island, sahr!''

What is the Easter Bunny's
favourite sport?

Basket-ball, of course!

Did you hear about the lady whose house was
infested
with Easter eggs?
She had to call an eggs-terminator!