Newest jokes

What jumps up and
down in front of a car ?

Froglights !

What happened when a frog joined the cricket team
?
He bowled long hops !

|A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: ''Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home.''The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.The drunk's wife greets them at the door: ''Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?''

|A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, ''You look terrible. What's the problem?'' ''My mother died in August,'' he said, ''and left me $25,000.'' ''Gee, that's tough,'' he replied. ''Then in September,'' the friend continued, ''My father died, leaving me $90,000.'' ''Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed.'' ''And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.'' ''Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.'' ''Then this month,'' continued, the friend, ''absolutely nothing!''

|A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, ''I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.'' ''Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!'' she screamed. ''Funny,'' he muttered, ''you even sound exactly like her.''

|Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. ''I'll bet you $10 he'll jump,'' said the first guy. ''Bet you $10 he won't,'' said the second guy.Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.''I can't take your money,'' said the first guy. ''I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news.'' ''No, no. Take it,'' said the second guy. ''I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!''

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, ''My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays.'' The man thinks: ''What does a priest know about sex?'' So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, ''My son, sex is definitely play.'' The man replies, ''Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?'' The Rabbi softly speaks, ''My son, if sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it.'' Sent by Jesse

Q:
What did the cannibal do after he dumped
his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his ass.

Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and

sex education on the same day in Iraq?
A: They don't want to
wear out the camel.

Q: What's the difference
between a Catholic
wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake
jewelry.

Q: What's the difference between getting a

divorce and getting circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you get
rid of the whole prick!

Q: What's
the difference between a G-Spot
and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

A
Roadway driver is driving east on
Route 66 he sees a truck driving west and
the CB crackles to life .


''Hey Roadway driver whos the two biggest poofs in America?''
comes
from the CB.



The Roadway driver replies . ''I
don't know'' .

The other trucker says '' You and your brother
''.

Well the Roadway driver gets all annoyed but the other driver tells
him
''Its just a joke - tell it to the next truck you
see.''

Well the Roadway driver drives for about an hour an finally sees

another truck .he gets on the CB and says '' Hey other truck do you know
who
the two biggest poofs in the world are?''

The other trucker
says '' I don't know who?''

The roadway driver replies '' Me and
my brother''

I was going 70 miles an hour and got

stopped by a cop who said, -Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles
per
hour?- -Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that
long.-

When I get real bored, I
like to
drive down town and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car
and
count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

Jill's car was unreliable and she
called John for a ride every time
it broke down.

One day John
got yet another one of those calls. ''What happened this
time?'' he
asked.

''My brakes went out,'' Jill said. ''Can you come to get
me?''

''Where are you?'' John asked.

''I'm in the drugstore,''
Jill responded.

''And where's the car?'' John asked.

Jill
replied, ''It's in here with me.''

Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly a passenger jet screams past them.One eagle says to the other, ''Wow, did you see how fast that thing was moving?'' The other replies, ''Yeah. You'd move fast too if you had three assholes and they were all on fire!''

Why did the cactus cross the road?It was stuck to the dumb chickenSent by Robbie

What's green and has wheels?A FrogI lied about the wheels

This was originally posted in rec.sport.pro-wrestlingDate: 1999/03/04Author: briang68g@gearthlink.netI like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. Ithought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided notto look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their newenvironment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at highspeeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectaclelost its novelty halfway into its third hour.Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive, theyall died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys. I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then Ihad one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately,there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had toextinguish the fire.Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use thebathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was notallowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. Myfriends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them,but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in thegenitals.I like monkeys.