Newest jokes

What is the best type of
story to tell a
runaway horse?
A tale of whoa!

What is horse sense?
Stable thinking and the
ability to say nay!

What is a thespian pony?
A little horse
play!

What is red and dangerous ?
Strawberry and
tarantula jelly !

Men are like old
car tires.
Balding, full
of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.

Men are
like plastic wrap.
Cheap. Clingy.
And very easy to see through.

Men are like
chocolate bars.
Sweet, smooth
and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like
power tools.
They make a lot
of noise, but it's hard to get them to work.

Men are like remote controls.
Simple. Easy to
use. And usually lying around a TV.

Who said ''Shiver me timbers!'' on the ghost ship?

The skeleton crew.

''Great news,
Mr. Oscarson,'' the
psychiatrist reported. ''After eighteen months of
therapy, I can
pronounce you finally and completely cured of your
kleptomania. You'll
never be trapped by the desire to steal again.''

''Gee, that's
great, Doc,'' the patient replied.

''And just to prove it, I want you
to stop by Sears on the way home and
walk the length of the store.
You'll see - you'll feel no temptation
to shoplift
whatsoever.''

''Oh, Doctor, whatever can I do to thank you?''

''Well,''
suggested the psychiatrist, ''if you DO have a relapse, I
could use a
new microwave.''

One out of every four people is
suffering from some
form of mental illness.
Check three friends. If
they're OK, then it's you.

Patient: I'm really depressed.

Therapist: I see. Yes. You are depressed.
Patient: Nothing is going
well.
Therapist: Nothing well.
Patient: I feel like killing
myself.
T: You're thinking of killing yourself.
P: Yes, I'm going
to do it NOW.
T: You want to do it now.
P: [Jumps out window.]

T: Woosh. Splat.

When they arrived at the therapist's
office, the
therapist jumped right in and opened the floor for
discussion. ''What seems
to be the problem?'' Immediately, the husband held
his long face down
without anything to say. On the other hand, the
wife began talking 90
miles and hour describing all the wrongs
within their marriage.

After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening
to the wife, the therapist
went over to her, picked her up by her
shoulders, kissed her
passionately for several minutes, and sat her
back down. Afterwards, the wife sat
there - speechless.

He
looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had

happened. The therapist spoke to the husband, ''Your wife NEEDS that at

least twice a week!''

The husband scratched his head and
replied, ''I can have her here on
Tuesdays and Thursdays.''

The head doctors in an insane asylum had

a meeting and decided that one of their patients was potentially
well.
So they decide to test him and take him to the movies. When
they get to
the movie theater, there are signs of wet paint pointing
to the
benches. The doctors just sit down, but the patient puts a
newspaper down
first and then sits down. The doctors get all excited
cause they think
maybe he's in touch with reality now. So they ask
him, '' Why did you put
the newspaper down first?'' He answers, ''So
I'd be higher and have a
better view.''

Why do University of
Arkansas graduates
tape their diplomas to the windshields of their cars?
So they can park
in handicapped spaces.

An applicant was being interviewed for
admission
to a prominent medical school. ''Tell me,'' inquired the
interviewer,
''where do you expect to be ten years from now?''

''Well,
let's see,'' replied the student. ''It's Wednesday afternoon.
I guess
I'll be on the golf course by now.''

A blonde girl goes into a hair salon and she's wearing earphones connected to her walkman.She tells the hair stylist to cut her hair but NOT to take off her earphones. He had to cut around it. But, he thought it would look really stupid if he didn't cut under her earphones so he picked them up and lifted them slightly.Suddenly, she fell to the ground, dead. The hair stylist picked up the ear phones to see what she had been listening to and a recorded voice was saying ''Breathe In, Breathe Out. Breathe In, Breathe Out.''

The young newly married Catholic couple were regular attendants at Mass. As like all newly married couples, they were in a constant state of arousal. Well they didn't want to do anything wrong so they approached their Parish Priest for advice.Father, the young couple asked ... ''is it ok to have sex before Mass ?''The not so young Priest responded after a few moments of reflection ... ''yes my children it's ok to have sex before Mass .. but please don't block the aisles...''

A lady had a height problem - she was TOO tall, being excatly 2 meters tall. She hated the way she had to duck to walk through a doorway, the way she felt so uncomfortable in a car... So she visited an expert. The expert said:''Go visit the Dwarven Town. It's full of dwarfs. Find any dwarf, and ask him if he'll marry you. Every time a dwarf says 'no,' you grow 10 cm shorter!''The lady did as she was told. She went to the Dwarven Town, and found a dwarf, and asked if he would marry her. He refused. She found herself 10 cm shorter. She quickly repeated this act another time on another dwarf. Now 180 cm tall, she decided to ask one more dwarf then go home. She boldly walked up to a dwarf and asked if he would marry her. The dwarf replied:''No, no, no, no, no...! I don't want to marry a tall person like you!You're too tall! No, no, no, no, no!''