Newest jokes

What's a man's idea of foreplay? -A half-hour of begging.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional? - In real life, men aren't affectionate in bed.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? - No one knows. Its never happened.

There was three guys, one with a rubber dick, one with a wooden dick,and one with a nine foot dick.The guy with the rubber dick couldn't have sex because it wasn't hard.The guy with the wooden dick couldn't have sex because the otherperson would get splinters. Finally, the third guy with a nine foot dick says, ''See that girl overthere? Bam. Got her.''

A guy says, ''I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women.''''Yeah what happened?'' asked the other.The first guy replies, ''Well, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle.''

FRED MONSTER: My sister must be twenty. I
counted
the rings under her eyes.
BERT MONSTER: That's nothing. My
sister's tongue is so long, she can
lick an envelope after she's
posted it.

FRED: Your monster was
making a terrible
noise last night.
BERT: Yes - ever since he ate Madonna, he thinks
he can sing.

Q: How many 1st AD's does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Why are you asking me that question? Can't
you see I'm busy!

Q: How many Sound Recordists
does it
take to screw in a light bulb?
A: WHAT?

Teacher : Why are you
reading the last
pages of your history book first ?
Pupil: I want to know how it ends
!

Teacher: If you have five
haystacks in one
corner, five in another and two in another, how many would
you have
?
Pupil: One big haystack !

What do young ghosts write their homework in?

Exorcise books.

A butler came running into his important
master's
office.
''Sir, sir, there's a ghost in the corridor. What
shall I do with
him?'' Without looking up from his work the master
said, ''Tell him I
can't see him.''

Did you hear about the
ghost who enjoyed
doing housework?
He used to go round with the oooo-ver.

A man was staying in a big old
house and in
the middle of the night he met a ghost. The ghost said,
''I have
been walking these corridors for 300 years.''
The man said, ''in that
case, can you tell me the way to the
toilet?''

The
Indians asked their Chief in autumn,
if the winter was going to be cold or
not. Not really knowing an
answer, the chief replies that the winter
was going to be cold and
that the members of the village were to collect
wood to be
prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and
called
the National Weather Service and asked, ''Is this winter to be
cold?''

The man on the phone responded, ''This winter was going to
be quite
cold indeed.'' So the Chief went back to speed up his
people to collect
even more wood to be prepared.

A week later he
called the National Weather Service again, ''Is it
going to be a
VERY cold winter?''

''Yes'', the man replied, ''it's going to be a
very cold winter.''

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders
them to go and find
every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks
later he calls the National
Weather Service again: ''Are you absol
utely sure, that the winter is
going to be very
cold?''

''Absolutely'' the man replies, ''the Indians are collecting wood like

crazy!''

What is the most popular game played by
tornadoes? -Catch my
drift

What is the most popular sport played by
raindrops and hail
stones?


-Diving

Where do lightning bolts go on
dates?


-To cloud 9

What type of sense of humor does rain
have?


-A very wet sense of humor