Newest jokes

As the judge said to the dentist: Do you

swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the

tooth?

Nigel: You said
the school dentist would
be painless, but he wasn't.
Teacher: Did he hurt you?
Nigel:
No, but he screamed when I bit his finger.

Why are you laughing?
My dentist just
pulled one of my teeth out. I don't see much to laugh
about in that.

But it was the wrong one!

Fred's mother was on the
telephone to the
boy's dentist. ''I don't understand it,'' she
complained, ''I
thought his treatment would only cost me $20, but you've
charged me
$80.''
''It is usually $20, ma'am,'' agreed the dentist, ''but Fred yelled
so
loudly that three of my other patients ran away!''

Monster: Doctor, doctor, I'm a blood-sucking
monster
and I keep needing to eat doctors.
Doctor: Oh what a
shame. I'm a dentist.

What wears a black, white, and tan coat but has no

hair?
A bald beagle!

What kind of dog always needs a shave?
A
bearded collie!

What kind of dog can tell time?
A
clockshund!

A duck walks into a convenience store. He asks the man at the counter, ''You got any grapes?''Guy at the counter says, ''No, we don't have any grapes.''Duck says ''okay.'' and he leaves.The next day the duck comes back in and says ''You got any grapes?''The man once again replies, ''No! We do not have any grapes.''The duck says ''Okay.'' and he leaves.The third day the duck walks in again and asks, ''You got any grapes?''The man is very annoyed and says, ''No! For the last time, we do NOT have any grapes. If you come in here again and ask for grapes, I'm gonna nail your bill to the floor!''The duck replies ''Okay,'' and leaves.The fourth day the duck returns once again and asks, ''You got any nails?''The man at the counter says ''No.''The duck says, ''Well then, you got any grapes?''

A very tall monster with several arms and
legs, all of
different lengths, went into a tailor's shop.
'I'd
like to see a suit that will fit me,' he told the tailor.
'So would
I, sir,' said the tailor. 'So would I.'

If storks bring
human babies, what bring
monster babies?
Cranes.

What do sea monsters have for dinner?
Fish
and ships.

There is a story about a popular young rabbi, who onSabbath eve announces to the congregation that he willnot renew his contract and is moving on to a largercongregation that will pay him more.There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands upand announces, ''If the rabbi stays, I'll provide him witha new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a minivan, to transport their children!''The congregation sighs, and applauds.Goldstein, the entrepreneur and investor stands and says,''If the rabbi stays, I'll double his salary, and establish afoundation to guarantee the college education of hischildren!!''More sighs and applause.Old Mrs. Goldfarb, aged 96, stands and announces,''If the rabbi stays, I offer SEX!!''There is a hush. The rabbi, blushing, asks, ''Mrs. Goldfarb,whatever possessed you to say that?''Mrs. Goldfarb answers, ''I just asked Mr. Goldfarb what wecould contribute to make the rabbi stay. Mr. Goldfarb said,'Fuck the rabbi.'''

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, itwas announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah willmerge.An industry source said that the deal had been in the works about 1300 years.While details were not available at press time, it is believed that theoverhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milkingbeing the hardest hit.As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl,currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.Also, instead of translating to ''A great miracle happened there,'' themessage on the dreydl will be the more generic ''Miraculous stuff happens.''In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Clausand his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least threehundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. Abreakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain thecompetitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading allpresent in a rousing rendition of ''Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful.''

How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?They had reservations.

Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said ''Disneyland -- ''Left'', so they turned around and went home.

Doctor, Doctor,
I think I'm a
bridge.
What's come over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a
coach.

How many psychologists does
it take
to change a light bulb?
None. The light bulb will change itself when
it's ready.

How many
psychologists does it take
to change a light bulb? Just one, but the
light bulb really has to
want to change.

How many psychologists does it
take
to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits.