Newest jokes

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man,

''Never mind, I'll do it myself,'' and he lets her, and she gets mad,

and he says, ''Now what are you mad about?'' says, ''If you don't
know
I'm not going to tell you.''

|Q: Did you hear about the Irish abortion clinic?A: It has a 12 month waiting list.Q: What's long & green & has a low I.Q.?A: A St. Patrick's Day ParadeQ: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day? A: Regular rocks are too heavy. Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun? A: Because they're always a little short. Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time? A: He's Dublin over with laughter! Q: Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland? A: He couldn't afford plane fare. Q: What's Irish and stays out all night? A: Patty O'furniture! Q: How did the Irish Jig get started? A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!

|For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide. Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin. ''Hooray!'' shouted the guide. ''Here comes man's best friend!'' ''Yeah,'' said Mulvaney. ''An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!''

|Casey McCarthy had just arrived in New York City and was amazed at the enormity of everything. Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he sorely needed to relieve himself. The first door he entered happened to be a large health club, and he asked the clerk if he might use the men's room. The clerk said certainly and told Casey the men's room was the third door down the corridor on the left. Now Casey, trying to appear sober, weaved his way down the hallway remembering some of the directions. When he reached the third door, he turned RIGHT , opened the door and immediately fell into the deep end of a pool. The clerk, realizing Casey's mistake, ran down the hall and burst through the door, prepared to save him, and heard Casey shout, ''Don't flush, I'm in here!''

|Recently, Germany conducted some scientific exploration involving their best scientists. Core drilling samples of earth were taken to a depth of 50m and during the core examinations, small pieces of copper were discovered. After running many arduous tests on these samples, the German government announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. So they ordered their own scientists to take their core samples at a depth of 100m. From these samples, they found small pieces of glass and soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide optical fibre network. Irish scientists were outraged. So immediately after this announcement, they ordered their scientist to take samples at a depth of 200m but found absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Irish 55,000 h years ago were an even more advanced civilisation, as they already had a mobile telephone network in place.

|Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfast for a bit of skydiving, Late Sunday evening he was found in tree by a farmer. What happened said the farmer, Liam replied, that his parachute failed to open, well said the farmer if you had of asked the locals before you jumped, they would have told you nothing opens here on a Sunday.

St. Peter is questioning three married

couples to see if they qualify for admittance to
heaven.

''Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?'' he asks one of the
men,
who had been a butler.

''I was a good father,'' he
answers.

''Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you

even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance.''

St. Peter
then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the
same
question.

The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken
good care of
his family.

But St. Peter also rejected him,
pointing out that he had been an
impossible glutton, so much so that
he married a woman named BonBon.

At this point the third man,
who had been a lawyer, stood up and said,
''Come on, Penny, let's get
out of here.''

Three men die in a car accident
Christmas Eve. They all find
themselves at the pearly gates waiting to
enter Heaven. On entering
they must present something relating or
associated with Christmas.

The first man searches his pocket, and
finds some Mistletoe, so he is
allowed in.

The second man
presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls
out a pair of stockings.

Confused at this last gesture, St.
Peter asks, ''How do these represent
Christmas?''

''They're
Carol's.''

Three buddies die in a car crash, and
they go to heaven to an
orientation.

They are all asked,
''When you are in your casket and friends and
family are mourning upon
you, what would you like to hear them say about
you? The first guy
says, ''I would like to hear them say that I was a
great doctor of
my time, and a great family man.''

The second guy says, ''I would
like to hear that I was a wonderful
husband and school teacher
which made a huge difference in our children of
tomorrow.''

The
last guy replies, ''I would like to hear them say, ''Look! He's

moving!''

What dog wears a white coat and does science

experiments?
Labs!

|General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: ''So how are your men?''''Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie.''''I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country.'' ''Well, my men are very brave, too.''''I'd like to see that.''So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: ''Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!''''Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!'' As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:''You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general.''

|Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet. Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman. Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, ''made the dinner.'' Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them. Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church. Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks. Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms. Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game. Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase. Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store. Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See ''Magician.'' Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon. Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say ''focus,...breath...push...'' Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...! Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, ''to go somewhere and neck.'' After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide. Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also ''tranquilizers.'' Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it. Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

An
American touring Spain
stopped at a local restaurant following a day
of sightseeing. While
sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter
being served at the next table. Not only
did
it look good, the
smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, ''What is
that
you
just served?''

The waiter replied, '' Ah senor, you have excellent
taste! Those are
bulls
testicles from the bull fight this
morning. A delicacy!''

The American, though momentarily daunted, said,
''What the hell, I'm
on
vacation! Bring me an order!''

The
waiter replied, ''I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving
per

day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come

early
tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save
you this
delicacy!''

The next morning, the American returned,
placed his order, and then
that
evening he was served the
one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and
inspecting the contents of his platter, he
called
to the waiter
and said, ''These are delicious, but they are much, much
smaller
than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!''

The waiter shrugged his
shoulders and replied, ''Si senor. Sometimes
the
bull wins.''

A Jewish couple, are sitting
together on an airplane
flying to the
Far East. Over the public
address system, the Captain announces:
''Ladies and Gentlemen, I am
afraid I have some very bad news. Our
engines have ceased functioning,
and this plane will be going down
momentarily. Luckily, I see an
island below us that should be able to
accommodate our landing. This
island appears to be uncharted; I am
unable to find it on our maps. So
the odds are that we will never be
rescued and will have to live on
the island for a very long time, if
not
for the rest of our
lives. A few minutes later the plane lands safely
on
the island,
whereupon Morris turns to his wife and asks, ''Esther, did
we pay our
pledge to the Yeshiva yet?'' No Morris!'' she responded.
Morris smiles,
then asks, ''Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?''
''Oy no, I forgot to
send the check!!'' Now Morris laughs.
''One last thing, Esther.
Did you remember to send our Temple
Building Fund check this
month?'' ''Oy Morris I forgot that one too!''
Now Morris is practically
choking with laughter. Esther asks Morris,
''So what are you smiling and
laughing about?

Morris responds, ''They'll find us.''

Teenage Driver: But,
officer, I'm a
college man.
Policeman: Sorry, but ignorance is no excuse.

Men are like
soap operas.
They're fun to
watch, but don't believe everything you hear.

QUESTION: Why are lifesavers better than men?

ANSWER: They come in five flavors.

Men are like fine wine. They all
start out
like grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and
keep them
in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have

dinner with.

One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his
lawn
chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn. A
neighbor lady
was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the
man, ''You
should be hung!'' To which he calmly replied, ''I am.
That's why she cuts
the grass!''

Wanting to lose weight, a woman placed a picture

of a shapely, pinup model in her refrigerator to remind her of her
goal.
The reminder worked like a charm as the woman discovered that
she had
lost ten pounds in the first month of using this method.
The downside to
this was that her husband spent so much time going
into the fridge to
look at the picture that he ended up gaining
fifteen pounds.