Newest jokes

How are lawyers like sperm? One out of a million turns out to be a human being.

How many men does it take to pop popcorn? Three. One to hold the pan and two to show off and shake the stove.

Why can't a man eat like a bird?Have you ever tried to pick up food with your pecker?Sent by Chris

Why do men like blonde jokes?? Because they can understand them.

Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?Because women don't get blowjobs while they're driving.

-Why do brunettes like their dark hair color? It doesn't show the dirt.-Who makes all the bras for brunettes? Fisher-Price-Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes? The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.-Why are most brunettes flat-chested? It makes it easier for them to read their T-shirts.-Why are brunettes so proud of their hair? It matches their mustache.-Why is the color brunette considered evil? When's the last time ya saw a blonde witch?-How can you tell a brunette is lonely ? Check her for a pulse.-What is the most frustrated animal in the world? A brunette rabbit.-Why do brunettes wear training bras? It's cheaper than changing their Band-Aids every day.-Why did they quit selling brunette Barbie dolls? Parents felt the dandruffmight be contagious.-How do brunettes get the tangles out their hair? With a rake.-Why don't brunettes get breast implants? They've already spent their money on thigh & butt implants.-Why did God create brunettes? So ugly men wouldn't feel left out.-What do brunettes miss most about a great party? The invitation.-Where do brunettes get the hair for a transplant? From their underarms.-How do you describe a brunette whose phone rings on Saturday night?Startled.-What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette? A hostage.-How did Revlon come up with it's brunette hair color? By studying what oilspills did to seaweed.-What's the difference between a brunette and the trash? At least the trash gets taken out once a week.-What kind of costumes do brunette girls wear on Halloween?They just stand on their heads and go as dirty mops.-Why do brunettes have to pay an extra $2,000 for a breast job ?Because the plastic surgeon has to start from scratch.-What did the frustrated brunette say to her uninterested lover? 'What part of *yes* don't you understand?'

A preacher was giving a sermon to a full church when all of a sudden the devil appeared. He was menacing and threatening and the entire congregation started to flee the church except for one old man.When the church was empty the devil went up to the man and asked ''aren't you afraid of me, I'm evil incarnate, the most horrific being in the universe and will most likely torture you!''The man replied ''You don't scare me, I've been married to your sister for 35 years''.

Q. What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?A. The 1988 Hide-and-Go-Seek World Champion.

|The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, ''Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?'' The young man looks at him and says, ''I'm a pilot!'' The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, ''Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!'' The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, ''What skills to you bring to the Air Force?'' The young man says, ''I chop wood!'' ''Son,'' the general replies, ''we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?'' ''I chop wood!'' ''Young man,'' huffs the general, ''you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!'' ''Well,'' the young man says, ''you hired my brother!'' ''Of course we did,'' says the general, ''he's a pilot!'' The young man rolls his eyes and says, ''So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!''

|This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995. Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

|The Captain called the Sergeant in. ''Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.'' So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. ''Listen up, men,'' says the Sergeant. ''Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.'' Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. ''Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?'' ''Yes, sir,'' answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, ''Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.'' So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. ''Ok, men, fall in and listen up.'' ''Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward.'' ''Not so fast, McGrath!''

|An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass. The CO says ''Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!'' So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked ''How did you do it?'' ''Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, ''Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!''

Why did the banana go out with the
prune?

Because he couldn't find a date.

The last time I saw a face like
yours I
threw it a banana.

They're not going to grow bananas any

longer.
Really?
Why not?
Because they're long enough
already.

What do you do if you see a blue banana?

Try to cheer it up.

Question: Why do men always give their penis a
name?
Answer: Because they don't want a stranger making 95 percent
of their
decisions for them.

What have men and spray paint in common?
One
squeeze and they're all over you.

Why is food better than men?
Because you
don't have to wait an hour for seconds.

How can you tell if someone who's having a

temper tantrum is on the phone?
You get a tizzy signal!