Newest jokes

Who did the ghost invite to his party?

Anyone he could dig up.

What are pupils at ghost schools called?

Ghoulboys and ghoulgirls.

A little boy
went into a baker's' 'How
much are those cakes ? he asked
'Two for 25 cents,' said the
baker
' How much does one cost ?' asked the boy
'13 cents,'
said the baker
'Then I'll take the other one for 12 cents !' said
the boy

A man out for a walk
came across a little
boy pulling his cat's tail.
'Hey you!' he shouted, ' don't pull
the cat's tail !'
'I'm not pulling !' replied the little boy.
'I'm only holding on -
the cat's pulling !'

Did
you hear about the boy who wanted to
run away to the circus ?
He ended up in a flea circus !

What's the matter son?
The boy next door
said I look just like you?
What did you say?
Nothing he's bigger
than me !

A long time resident of San Francisco is packing allhis stuff into boxes. His roommate comes in & askswhat he's doing. ''I'm leaving !'' he replies. ''They justmade homosexuality legal.''''So why leave now ?'' queries his roomie. ''Gays havebeen part of the scene here for years and years.''''Yeah, I know.'' he replied. ''I'm getting the hell outof here before the damn fools make it compulsory.''

What do a meteorologist in a snowstormand a woman's sex life have in common?They're both concerned with how manyinches and how long it will last.

If you cloned Henry IV, would he be Henry V, or Henry IV Part II?

Q: Why do women have arms?A: Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?

Why did the woman with P.M.S. cross the road? She just did, alright!!

Q: What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?A: Lipstick.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested.Then God created man and rested.Then God created woman.Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

What do you call
an English teacher,
five feet tall, covered from head to toe in boils
and totally bald?

Sir!

First boy: My dad saw a horrible witch

and didn't turn a hair!
Second boy: I'm not surprised - your
dad's bald!

There is 2 fags walking down the beach. They are holding hands andkicking the sand with their feet. One happens to kick a lamp that islying buried in the sand. He pick it up and starts to clean it off.All of a sudden a Genie comes out of the lamp.Genie, '' Man, I don't believe it. I have stuck in that bottle for 2thousand years and the first person to come along and find me is afag. I am suppose to give you 3 wishes but I just can't do it. I won'teven give you 2. I will give you one wish and that is it. What will itbe.''The 2 fags are excited about getting their wish but couldn't come upwith what they wanted to wish for on such short notice.Fag1 says,'' Could you give us just a little time to think about it? Imean one wish we need a little time.''The Genie looks down and says, ''Alright you can take as long as youwant but I am not going to stay here until you come up with it. I justcan't stand the sight of you two. Whenever youmake me your mind justwish for it and it will done.''At that moment the Genie grabs his bottle and flys off into the sky.Well the two fags decide that they will go back to the motel room anddecide on what they will wish for. Once they got back their emotionstook over and they starting doing all that fag stuff. Right as they were getting into it, the door of their room gets busteddown and 6 men in white sheets come in. They grab the fags and throw arope around their necks. Fag1 looks at Fag2 and says, '' You know this might be a good time useour wish.''Fag2 says, ''I already made it.''Fag1 '' What the hell did you wish for?''Fag2 '' Well, I wish that we were hung like two niggers.''

A guy walks into a bar ... once inside, he realizes it's a gay bar, but he decides, ''What the heck, I really want a drink.'' So he sits down at the bar, and the gay bartender says to him, ''What's the name of your penis?'' The guy says, ''Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink.'' The gay bartender says, ''I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis.'' So the guy looks at the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, ''Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?'' The man to left, with a smile, looks back and says, ''TIMEX.'' The guy asks, ''Why Timex?'' The fella proudly replies, ''Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!'' A little shaken, the guy turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita, ''So, what do you call your penis?'' The man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, ''FORD, because quality is Job 1'', he then ads, ''Have you driven a Ford lately?'' Even more shaken, the guy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, ''The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me my beer.'' The bartender begins to pour the guy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, ''Why secret?'' The guy says, ''because it's strong enough for a man but made for a woman!''

A young man, in the course of his college life, came to terms with his homosexuality and decided to ''come out of the closet.'' His plan was to tell his mother first; so on his next home visit, he went to the kitchen, where his mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon. Rather nervously, he explained to her that he had realized he was gay. Without looking up from her stew, his mother said, ''You mean, homosexual?'' ''Well...yes.'' Still without looking up: ''Does that mean you suck men`s penises?'' Caught off guard, the young man eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative; whereupon his mother turned to him and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under his nose, snapped: ''Don`t you EVER complain about my cooking again!''

Two lesbians were standing at a bar drinking when another girl waved from across the bar. ''Who is that babe?'' one said to the other. ''I'd sure like to get her spread out on my sheets.'' ''No you wouldn't,'' said the other. ''She's hung like a doughnut.''

DOUBLE VODKA A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman ''Give me six double vodka.'' The barman says ''Wow! you must have had one really bad day.'' ''Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay.'' The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, ''I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!'' On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said ''WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?'' ''Yeah, my wife...''