Newest jokes

Why are there so many piggy banks?
Pigs don't
like to hide their money in the mattress.

Why are pigs such great
football fans?

They're always rooting.

Why are pigs such early risers?
Did you ever
try to shut off a rooster?

Yo mama head so big she has to step into her

shirts.

An enormous monster with eight arms and eleven

legs walked into a tailors shop.
'Quick!' shouted the tailor
to his assistant. 'Hide the ''Free
Alterations'' sign!'

'Here's a good book,' said the
sales
assistant in the book shop to Mrs Monster.
'How To Help Your Husband
Get Ahead.'
'No, thank you,' said Mrs Monster. 'My husband's
got two heads
already. . .'

What did the monster say to the

Thanksgiving turkey?
''Pleased to eat you!''

What would you get if you crossed a monster

with a redcoat?
A bigger target.

Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.''Oh, my,'' said the bunny, ''I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.''''It's quite OK,'' replied the snake. ''Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and find out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.''''Oh, that would be wonderful'' replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, ''Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.''''Oh, thank you! Thank you,'' cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, ''Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me.''So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, ''Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone, and no balls. I'd say you must be French''.

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, ''Sir, what's that on your shoulder?''The old farmer said, ''That's my pet rooster Chucky, wherever I go, Chucky goes.''''I'm sorry sir.'', said the ticket agent, ''We don't allow animals in the theater.''The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.''Marge'', whispered Mildred.''What'', said Marge.''I think this guy next to me is a pervert.'', said Mildred.''What makes you think that'', asked Marge.''He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out'', whispered Mildred.''Well, don't worry about it'', said Marge, ''At our age we've seen them all.''''I thought so'', said Mildred, ''But this one is eating my popcorn.''

A man was driving down a country road one day at 45 miles per hour when suddenly he noticed a 3-legged chicken running at the same speed beside his truck.Though he thought this odd, the man decided to speed up so he wouldn't cause an accident with the chicken.The man sped up to 55 miles per hour, but low and behold, so did the 3-legged chicken. The man then sped up to 65 miles per hour only to again be equaled in speed by the 3-legged chicken. As the man watched in amazement, the chicken suddenly made a sharp left turn and took off down a side road toward a small farm. The man quickly also made the left turn and followed the chicken to the small farm, parking out front. Looking around the man found the farmer around back in the midst of many 3-legged chickens.After greeting the farmer, the man asked him why he was raising 3-legged chickens. ''Well we figure,'' said the farmer, ''that with an average family of 3 people, only 2 can have a chicken leg with an average chicken. But with a three legged chicken, each member of the family can enjoy a chicken leg of their own.'' ''That's pretty wise,'' said the man, who then asked ''Well how do your 3-legged chickens taste?''''I don't know,'' said the farmer. ''We've never been able to catch one.''

Did you know that elephants actually have their sexual organs in their feet?Yup, if one steps on you, you're screwed.

Three animals were having a hugeargument over who was the best.The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had hardly a chance.The second,a lion,based his claim on his strength. No animal in the forest dared to challenge him.The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any animal using his unique arsenal.As the trio debated the issue, a grizzly bear came along and swallowed them all: hawk, lion, and stinker!

A man learned shortly before quitting
time
that he had to attend a meeting.

He tried unsuccessfully
to locate his car-pool members to let them know
that he would not
be leaving with them.

Hastily he scribbled a message to one
fellow and left it on his desk:
''I have a last-minute meeting. Leave
without me. Dave.''

At 7:00 p.m., the man stopped at his desk and
found this note: ''Meet
us at the bar and grill across the street.
You drove today, you
idiot.''

The train was about to pull out of the
station. Swinging a
large bag, a young man managed to reach the
train, throw his bag in and
climb aboard, gasping for air.


seeking at him, another man said, ''Young man, you should be in better

shape! At your age, I could catch the train by a gnat's whisker and

still be fresh. Look at you, panting away.''

The young man took
a deep breath and said, ''Pop, I missed this train
at the *last*
station.''

What is uglier than an aardvark?
Two
aardvarks!

What does the aardvark call his
dog?
Aard-bark!

What is the difference between an aardvark and
a coyote?
One has a long smeller, the other, a loud yeller!

Who loves
hamburgers, French fries, and
ants?
Ronald MacAardvark!

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