Newest jokes

The way to a man's heart is through his feet(but you need a long knife).

Did you know that
heaven and hell
are actually right next to each other? They are seperated
by a big
chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and
it
got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find

his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil

over and said ''Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence.'' Satan

agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely
rebuilt the
fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before.


''Satan!'' beckoned God. ''You have to take that fence down and
put it
back where it belongs!''

''Yeah? What if I don't?''
replied the devil.

''I'll sue you if I have to,'' answered
God.

''Sure,'' laughed Satan. ''Where are you going to find a
lawyer?''

A fellow finds himself in front of

the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in

heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.

For
example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St.
Peter
told him that's bad.

Was he generous? give money to the poor?
Charities? No? St. Peter told
him that that too was bad.

Did
he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter

was becoming concerned.

Exasperated, Peter says, ''Look, everybody
does something nice
sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help.
Now think!''

The man says, ''There was this old lady. I came out of
a store and
found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They
had taken her purse
and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing
her.

I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the
crowd, and got
her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I t
hen went up to the
biggest, baddest biker and told him how
despicable, cowardly and mean he
was and then spat in his face''.


''Wow'', said Peter, ''That's impressive. When did this happen''?


''Oh, about 10 minutes ago'', replied the man.

Two men died and went to Heaven. St.

Peter greeted them, and said ''I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your
mansions
aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth
as
whatever you want to be.''

''Great!'' said the first guy,
''I want to be an eagle soaring above
beautiful scenery!''

''No
problem,'' replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. ''And
what
do you want to be,'' St. Peter asked the other guy.

''I'd like
to be one cool stud!'' was the reply.

''Easy,'' replied St. Peter,
and the other guy was gone.

After a few months, their mansions
were finished, and St. Peter sent an
angel to fetch them back.
''You'll find them easily,'' he says, ''One
of them is soaring above the
Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a
snow tire somewhere in
Detroit!''

Three men died in a car accident and
met
Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.

The Lord spoke unto
them saying, ''I will ask you each a simple
question. If you tell the
truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you
lie....Hell is
waiting for you.

To the first man the Lord asked, ''How many times
did you cheat on your
wife?'' The first man replied, ''Lord, I was a
good husband. I never
cheated on my wife.'' The Lord replied, ''Very
good! Not only will I
allow you in, but for being faithful to your
wife I will give you a huge
mansion and a limo for your
transportation.

To the second man the Lord asked, ''How many times did you
cheat on
your wife?'' The second man replied, ''Lord, I cheated on my
wife twice.''
The Lord replied, ''I will allow you to come in, but for
your
unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.


To the third man the Lord asked, ''So, how many times did y
ou cheat on
your wife?'' The third man replied, ''Lord, I cheated on
my wife about
8 times.'' The Lord replied, ''I will allow you to come
in, but for
your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment,
and a Yugo for
your transportation.

A couple hours later
the second and third men saw the first man crying
his eyes out. ''Why
are you crying?'' the two men asked. ''You got the
mansion and limo!''
The first man replied, ''I'm crying because I saw
my wife a little
while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!''

What did the
werewolf eat after he'd had
his teeth taken out?
The dentist.

How many dentists does it take to change a

light bulb?
Three. One to administer the anaesthetic, one to
extract the light
bulb, and one to offer the socket some vile pink
mouthwash.

What's yellow and writes?
A ball-point
banana.

Teacher: What is Ba + Na2?
Pupil:
Banana.

How can you tell the difference between a

monster and a banana?
Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either
a monster or a giant
banana.

One woman to another at a singles bar:
''I'm
not as optimistic about relationships as I used to be.
These days,
when I meet a man, I ask myself, Is this the guy I want my
children
to spend every other weekend with?''

Shortly after the birth
of their second
child, her husband offered to take her shopping for a
new dress. He
endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints
about which
figure flaw each dress accentuated. As she emerged from the

dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her

husband's opinion. By this time, he had learned just the right things to

say. ''It's perfect!'' he exclaimed. ''It makes your waist look

smaller, your legs look longer and slenderizes your hips.''
Just then,
a voice from the dressing room piped up. ''If there's a
dress here
that will do all that- I'll take ten!''

An elephant was having a horrible time in the jungle because a horseflykept biting near her tail and there was nothing she could do about it.It was far out of reach.A sparrow saw this and killed the horsefly with its beak.''Oh, thank you!'' said the elephant.''My, pleasure ma'am.'' said the sparrow.''Listen, Mr. Sparrow, if there's anything I can ever do for you, don'thesitate to ask.''The sparrow said, ''Well, all my life I wondered how it would feel to fuckan elephant.''''Be my guest!'', said the elephant.So the sparrow flew behind the elephant and started fucking. In the treesabove, a monkey in the tree saw this and became very excited. He started to masturbate, shaking a coconut loose and it fell from the tree, hitting the elephant on the head.''OUCH!'', said the elephant.Then sparrow looked over from behind and said, ''Am I hurting you, dear?''

A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says: ''So, why the long face?''

What do you call a villager with 500 girlfriends?A shepherd.

What's the object of a Jewish football game?To get the quarter back!

How do you know when a redneck isn't wearing any underwear?There's dandruff on his/her shoes.

Q: How many Screenwriters does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: The bulbs IN and it's staying IN!

Q: How many Development Executives does
it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take notes while
the other screws it into the
faucet.

Why can't
there be a Santa Pig?
Pigs
don't fit in chimneys.