Newest jokes

|1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say ''We hate Christmas,'' and ''Go away Santa.''7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, ''For The Tooth Fairy. :)'' Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, ''For Santa. :(''11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, ''Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime.''12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, ''Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!'' and fire a gun.15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.17. Leave out a Santa suit, with an attached dry-cleaning bill.18. Paint ''hoof-prints'' all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been ''trampled.'' Threaten to sue for personal injury.19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, ''This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us.

You might be a redneck if you check the mileage on your home.

Q: What happens when a Jew with an erection walks into a wall?A: He breaks his nose.

First Kangaroo: What do you call it
when
giraffes moving one way get mixed up with giraffes moving another

way?
Second Kangaroo: A giraffic jam.

|The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily. ''Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here.'' The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late. ''Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here.'' The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily. ''Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but...'' ''Let me guess,'' the General interrupted, ''it broke down.'' ''No,'' said the G.I., ''there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them.''

While practicing autorotations during a

military night training exercise a Huey Cobra screwed up the landing and

landed on the tail rotor. The landing was so hard that it broke off
the
tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on
its
skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s.

As the Cobra
slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of
sparks, this
was the radio exchange that took place...

Tower: ''Sir, do you
need any assistance?''

Cobra: ''I don't know Tower, we ain't done
crashin'
yet.''

Following some duty overseas, the officers at
the Fort were
planning a welcome home party and dance for the unit.
Being an all male
combat force, they decided to request coeds from
some of the surrounding
colleges to attend. The Captain called
Vassar and was assured by the
Dean that arrangements could be made to
send over a dozen of their most
trustworthy students.

The
Captain hesitated, then said, ''Would it also be possible to send a

dozen or so of the other kind?''

- Who likes music? - asks a
commander.

- Two soldiers step forward.

- All right. I bought a piano.
Take it to my apartment on the fourth
floor.

What is the difference between a blonde and a brunette? Well about 15 minutes!

Why don't women wear dresses in the winter? - Chapped lips.

Why did the dentist
make a poor date with
the manicurist?
Because they fought both tooth and nail!

What does
the dentist of the year get?...A
little plaque.

''I am sorry, madam, but I shall have to charge
you hundred dollars for
pulling your boy's tooth.''
''Hundred
dollars! Why, I understood you to say that you charged only
twenty
dollars for such work!''
''Yes,'' replied the dentist, ''but this youngster
yelled so terribly
that he scared out four other patients out of
the office.''

Patient: ''It must be
tough spending all
day with your hands in someone's mouth.''
Dentist: ''I just think of it
as having my hands in their
wallet.''

|John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. ''You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!'' Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. ''How do you know this, Sister?'' ''My Mother Superior told me so.''''But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?'' ''Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself'' ''Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life'' ''How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!'' ''I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know.''The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar. ''Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks'', then he lowers his voice and says to the barman ''and could you put the vodka in a teacup?''''Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?''

|A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, ''If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?'' The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, ''If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?'' The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. ''Sorry,'' the man replies, ''he's not for sale.'' The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. ''No,'' he insists, ''he's not for sale.'' The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.''Are you insane?'' the bartender demanded. ''That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!'' ''Don't worry about it.'' the man answered. ''The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist.''

Q: Why is a modem
better than a woman?

A: A modem doesn't mind if you talk to other modems. A modem doesn't

complain if you sit and play at the computer all night. A modem will

sit patiently and wait by the phone. A modem comes with an
instruction
manual.

A few women were discussing diet tips. When it
was mentioned
that getting enough exercise and sleep were just as
important as watching
food intake, one woman responded with surprise
that sleep was a factor.
Another replied: ''Of course sleep is a
factor. The only time I'm not
eating is when I'm sleeping!''

A young woman with a happy, cheerful voice was

working in her husband's trucking line office. She answered a phone

call from a trucker asking for directions to the terminal. After a
short
conversation, he said he could hardly wait to meet her. ''I
just know
you are small, blond with blue eyes,'' he said. ''No,'' young
woman
replied, ''I'm tall, brunette and have brown eyes.'' ''Close
enough!'' said
the trucker.

At a family gathering, husband began teasing his
wife
about how she always get her way. ''Honey,'' she said to her
husband,
''when I get my way, that's a compromise.''
''What is it
when I get my way?'' he was quick to ask. She replied,
''That's a
miracle!''