Newest jokes

An elderly couple were
driving across the
country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over
by the
highway patrol.

The officer said, ''Ma'am did you know you were
speeding?''

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and
asked, ''What did
he say?''

The old man yelled, ''He says you
were speeding!''

The patrolman said, ''May I see your license?''


The woman turned to her husband once again and asked, ''What did
he
say?''

The old man yelled, ''He wants to see your license!''


The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman then
said, ''I
see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and
went on a
blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen.''


The woman turned to her husband and asked, ''What did he say?''


The old man yells, ''He said he thinks he knows you!''.

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angeltells Ford, ''Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention,the assembly line for the automobile, changed the world. As areward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven.''Ford thinks about it and says, ''I wanna hang out with God,himself.'' The befeathered fellow at the gate takes Ford to theThrone Room and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, ''Hey,aren't you the inventor of Woman?'' God says, ''Ah, yes.'' ''Well,''says Ford, You have some major design flaws in your invention:l. There's too much front end protrusion2. It chatters at high speeds3. The rear end wobbles too much, and4. The intake is placed to close to the exhaust.''''Hmmm..'' replies God, ''hold on.'' God goes to the CelestialSupercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result.The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. ''It maybe that my invention is flawed,'' God replies to Henry Ford, ''butaccording to my Computer, more men are riding my invention than yours.''

An English professor wrote the words, ''Woman
without her
man is nothing'' on the blackboard and directed his
students to
punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: ''Woman, without her
man, is nothing.''
The women wrote: ''Woman: Without her, man is
nothing.''

Smart man +
Smart Woman = Romance
Smart
Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy
Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair
Dumb
Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage

Boy: Do you have fever?

Girl: No,
why?

Boy: Cause you look hot!!!!!

An American tourist is
visiting
China. After visiting all the tourist
attractions he decides to
inquire about the people and askes his guide:
''How large is the
population here?''
''Around 1.5 billion'' -- the guide answers
American,
After a short pause: ''So, what else do you do here?''

What
people travel the most?

Romans.

What does a witch get if she's a

poor traveler?
Broom sick.

What steps should you take if you
see a dangerous animal
on your travels?
Very large ones.

Dentist begging the patient: Could you help
me?
Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful
screams?
Patient: Why? Doc, it isn't all that bad this time.
Dentist:
There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I
don't
want to miss the 4 o'clock ball game.

A husband and wife entered the
dentist's
office. The husband said, ''I want a tooth pulled. I don't want
gas
or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as

quickly as possible.''

''You're a brave man,'' said the dentist.
''Now, show me which tooth
it is.''

The husband turns to his
wife and says, ''Open your mouth and show the
dentist which tooth it
is, dear.''

''I came in to
make an appointment with the
dentist.'' said the man to the receptionist.

''I'm sorry sir.''
she replied. ''He's out right now, but...''

''Thank you,''
interrupted the obviously nervous prospective patient.
''When will he be out
again ?''

Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth,

but don't worry it will take just five minutes.
Patient: And how
much will it cost?
Dentist: It's $90.00.
Patient: $90.00 for just
a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you
like.

|A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, ''Are they relatives of yours?''''Yes,'' his wife replied. ''I married into the family.''

|A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: ''Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using.''

|Higgins lived in Staten Island, New York, and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, So Higgins decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain. When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Higgins, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat. ''How did you like that jump, buddy?'' said a proud Higgins to a deck hand. ''It was great,'' said the sailor. ''But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!''

|Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan. The young couple sat in the parlor of the girl's house night after night, much to the annoyance of old man Phelan. One night he couldn''t take any more. Standing at the top of the stairs, he yelled down, ''What's that young fella doin' here all hours of the night?'' ''Why, Dad, '' said Frances, ''Michael was just telling me everything that's in his heart!'' ''Well, next time, '' roared Phelan, ''just let him tell you what's in his head, and it won't take half as long!''

|An American tourist was driving in County Kerry, when his motor stopped. He got out to see if he could locate the trouble. A voice behind him said, ''The trouble is the carburetor.'' He turned around and only saw an old horse. The horse said again, ''It's the carburetor that's not working.'' The American nearly died with fright, and dashed into the nearest pub, had a large whiskey, and told Murphy the bartender what the horse had said to him. Murphy said, ''Well, don't pay any attention to him, he knows nothing about cars anyway.''

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
Hippie Barbie
...complete with simulated controlled substances and
paraphernalia

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
Microsoft Barbie
...Barbie doll with Bill Gates' head