Newest jokes

A Scottish cop was asked how he'd break up a crowd.He answered, ''I'd take up a collection!''

Do you know why there aren't any ice cubes in Poland?The inventor died and took the recipe with him.

Ever hear of the redneck who thought that ''Manual Labor'' was the new Mexican President?

Once upon a time there was a little girl who

wanted a kitten for Christmas. Her mother couldn't buy a kitten
and
parcel it up for Christmas Day, so she bought it a week before
Christmas
and gave it to the little girl.

'You're getting
your Christmas present a week early this year,' her
mother
explained as she handed over the fluffy little tabby kitten.
'Is that what
you want?'

The little girl said, 'It's wonderful,
mother...just what I wanted.
There's just one thing wrong!'


'What's that?' her mother asked.

'Well, it has a cute little claw
on the outside of every paw and
another little claw on the inside
of every paw - but the poor little thing
has no claws at all in the
middle of its paws!'

Her mother smiled. 'Don't worry, Kitty.
When you wake up on Christmas
morning you'll find the claws are
there.'

Now Kitty loved her kitten dearly, but she worrie
d about the claws in
the middle of its paws. The days passed and
there wasn't even a hint, a
clue or an inkling of claws in the
middle of its paws.

When Christmas Eve arrived and there was still
no sign, Kitty went to
her mother and asked again, 'Are you
absolutely sure that the kitten
will have its middle claws tomorrow?
There's only a few hours to go and
there's not a hint or clue or an
inkling as to claws as far as I can
see.'

'Wait till you
wake up on Christmas morning,' her mother smiled and
went on
stuffing the turkey.

So Kitty went to sleep a worried girl. When she
woke up on Christmas
morning she ignored the presents in her
stocking and rushed downstairs to
look at her little kitten.

She
was astounded, amazed and just a little surprised to see that her

kitten had four claws on every paw! The middle ones had appeared as if

by magic.

Kitty rushed to her parent's bedroom. 'Mummy
, Mummy! The kitten has
grown its middle claws!'

'Of
course it has,' her mother grinned.

'But how did you know?'
Kitty demanded.

Her father rolled over sleepily and sighed, 'Oh,
Kitty, everybody
knows that Centre-claws always comes at
Christmas!'

What was so good about he
neurotic doll
the girl was given for Christmas?
It was wound up already.

What was wrong with the boy's
brand new
toy electric train set he
received for Christmas?
Forty feet of
track - all straight!

What happens when you drop a hand gren-egg
?
It eggs-plodes !

Why did the chick
disappoint his mother ?

He wasn't what he was cracked up to be !

When is a pig an
ecologist?
When he
recycles garbage into ham.

When pigs get a toothache, who do
they see?'

Painless Porker.

When pigs have a party, who jumps out of the cake?

Nobody. The pigs all jump in.

Where did the piglets study their ABC's?
At a
school for higher loining.

Where do bad pigs go?
They get sent to the
pen.

In a psychiatrist's waiting room two

patients are having a conversation. One says to the other, ''Why are
you
here?''
The second answers, ''I'm Napoleon, so the doctor told
me to come
here.''
The first is curious and asks, ''How do you
know that you're
Napoleon?''
The second responds, ''God told me I
was.''
At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts,
''NO I
DIDN'T!''

A man who thinks he's George Washington
has been seeing a
psychiatrist. He finishes up one session by
telling him, ''Tomorrow,
we'll cross the Delaware and surprise them when
they least expect it.''
As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist
picks up the phone and says,
''King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I
have the plans.''

Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for

four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his

bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep.

Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day
he stops
seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something
different.

A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his
old client in
the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking
well-rested,
energetic, and cheerful. ''Doc!'' Joe says, ''It's
amazing! I'm cured!''
''That's great news!'' the psychoanalyst says. ''you
seem to be doing
much better. How?''
''I went to see another
doctor,'' Joe says enthusiastically, ''and he
cured me in just ONE
session!''
''One?!'' the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
''Yeah,''
continues Joe, ''my new doctor is a behaviorist.''
''A behaviorist?'' the
psychoanalyst asks. ''How did he cure you in one
session?''
''Oh,
easy,'' says Joe. ''He told me to cut the legs off of my
bed.''

Q: How many grips does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
A: Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.

Q: How many Union
Lighting Technicians
does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It's not a bulb, it's a
globe.

Mr. Schwatrz goes to meet his new son-in-law to be, Sol. He says to Sol (who is very religious),''So nu, tell me Sol, my boy, what do you do?''I study the Torah,'' he replies.''But Sol, you are going to marry my daughter, how are going to feed and house her?''''No problem,'' says Sol, ''I study Torah and it says God will provide.''''But you will have children, how will you educate them?'' asks Mr. Schwartz.''No problem,'' says Sol, ''I study Torah and it says God will provide.''Mr. Shwartz goes home and Mrs. Shwartz, his wife, anxiously asks what Sol is like. ''Well,'' says Mr. Shwartz, ''he's a lovely boy, I only just met him and he already thinks I'm God.''

Q: What do you get when you cross an Arab with a Mexican?A: Oil of Ole'