Newest jokes

What is the best thing about schizophrenia?You're never alone!

Seems about a year ago (1998) some airplane manufacturer employees decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747's.They got it off the plane, out the gate and were having a good time fishing on the Stilliquamish. All of a sudden the Coast Guard Chopper came wop-wop-ing in, homing on the emergency frequency locator beacon that was activated when the boys inflated the raft at the river.(Note: The boys are no longer with said aircraft company.)

There were these three models going by air to a photo shoot, Elle Mcpherson, Cindy Crawford, and Naomi Campbell.Halfway through the flight the plane had engine trouble, the pilot warned the girls to assume the crash position, just in case they went down.Elle put on more make-up saying, ''They always rescued the beautiful ones first''.Cindy donned her jewelery claiming, ''They would rescue the richest one first'', upon which Naomi, threw off all her clothes, pressing herself against the window saying ''You're both wrong, the first thing they look for is the Black Box''!

A man who thinks he's George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist. He finishes up one session by telling him, ''Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it.''As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, ''King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I now have the plans!''

A man walked into a psychiatrist's office, sat down, took out a pack of cigarettes. He removed a cigarette from the pack, unrolled it, and stuffed the tobacco up his nose.The shrink frowned and said, ''I see you need my help!''The guy said, ''Yeah Doc. Got a match!?''

''Oh doctor,'' moaned the woman to the psychiatrist. ''Everyone calls me a nymphomaniac!''''I understand,'' said the shrink. ''But I'll be able to take better notes if you'll let go of my cock!''

A man calls the psychiatrist at a mental hospital and asks who's in room24.''Nobody'' comes the reply.''Good'' says the man, ''I must have escaped!''

A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, then stands on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place.The bar tender freaks out. ''You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I'll beat the shit out of you...''The man begins crying. ''I'm sorry! Its ruining my life. I can't sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! It's worrying me to death, please don't hit me...''The bar tender takes pity. ''Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist,here's his card, why don't you see him?''The man hugs the bartender, shakes his hand and leaves with a thousand thank yous...Six months later, the man walks into the bar, and orders a drink.The bartender says, ''Okay, here you go... Wait! Weren't you that guy who..''''Yes, And I went and saw your brother. He is fantastic, I am completely cured.''''Well, that's great. This beer is on the house.''So the man drinks the beer, stands on the bar, drops his trousers and pisses on the bar.''You bastard! I thought you said you were cured!''''I am! It doesn't bother me anymore...''

A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighborhood, so for public safety, he was committed.He was put in a room with another crazy and immediately began his routine, ''I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!''The other guy looks at him and declares, ''I did not!''

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one but the light bulb must want to change!

A patient goes to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist gives him a Rorschach Test; he shows the patient a circle with a dot inside it and asks, ''What do you see?''The patient replies, ''Two people are having sex in the middle of a circular room.''The psychiatrist shows the patient another picture of a square with a dot inside it and asks, ''What do you see?''Patient answers, ''Two people are having sex in a square room.''The psychiatrist shows the patient one more picture of a triangle with a dot outside it and asks, ''What do you see now?''Patient replies, ''Doctor, are you some kind of pervert?!?''

A psychiatrist on his rounds in a mental hospital sees a couple of patients behaving rather strangely. The first man is sitting on the edge of his bed clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud train noises ''Chooo-Chooo... Whoooo-Whooooo...''''What are you doing?'' enquires the doctor. ''I'm taking a train down to Barcelona,'' replies the man.Somewhat taken aback but not to be put off, the doctor moves on to the next bed where he can see some very energetic activity going on underneath the covers. On pulling them back he finds a man totally naked face down into the mattress.''And what are you doing?'' asks the doctor, a little perplexed. ''Well,'' pants the man, ''While he's in Barcelona, I'm fucking his wife!''

A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is known for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients. The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet.One of the psychiatrist asks, ''What are you doing?'' She replies, ''I'm studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive member of society.'' ''Wow, that's wonderful.''The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. The same question asked to him, ''What are you doing?'' ''I'm studying biology, chemistry, etc. So I can enter medical school when I get out.''Room after room, they witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients. Until they finally reached a room the asylums director was reluctant to open. Finally, he was persuaded to open it. Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis.The psychiatrist exclaimed, ''My God what are you doing?''The man replied, ''I'm fucking nuts and I'm never getting out of here!''

Why do psychiatrists give their patients shock treatment?To prepare them for the bill!

This guy goes to the pharmacist and says, ''Listen, these two girls are coming to my place for the weekend and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night. It is going to be a hell of a party.''The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, ''This stuff is very potent, you drink only one ounce of it and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know about it.''The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist is going to work and at the door of the drug store, the same fellow is there waiting for him. The pharmacist says, ''What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?''The guy replies, ''Quick open the store, I need Blue Ice (a pain muscle reliever).The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, ''Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive.''The guy says, ''It's not for my penis, it's for my arm.'' Pharmacist says, ''What?? What happened?'' Guy replies, ''Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion.'' Pharmacist says, ''And...'' Guy replies, ''The girls never showed up!''

Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm invisible. Psychiatrist: What!...who said that?

Dear Maevis,I have become a little older since I saw you last and a few changes have come into my life since then. I have become quite a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day.Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along and when he is here, he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life!The preacher came to call the other day. He said that at my age, I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him I do all the time. No matter where I am, in the den, in the bedroom, in the kitchen or in the garage, I ask myself, ''What am I here after?''Well, I guess growing old is not so bad since old folks are worth a fortune with silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet, and gas in their stomachs!Your good ole friend, Ethel

Outside a pharmacy in a busy street, a poor man is clutching onto a pole for dear life - not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle - just standing there, frozen.The pharmacist, seeing this strange sight in front of his shop, goes up to his assistant and asks, ''What's the matter with that guy? Wasn't he in here earlier?''Assistant replies, ''Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help.''Pharmacist says, ''He seems to be fine now.''Assistant replies, ''Sure, he is. I gave him a box of the strongest laxatives on the market... Now he won't dare cough!''

A man walks into a pharmacy and goes to the counter. Standing behind the counter is a young woman.''May I speak to the pharmacist?'' he asks. ''Well,'' she replies, ''I am the pharmacist.''He looks very uncomfortable, and asks for a *male* pharmacist, as he has a ''male problem.''She informs him that only she and her sister work at this particular establishment.He blushes and says, ''Well, I really do need help, so I guess I'll ask you... I have a problem. I have a constant erection, and nothing I do seems to get rid of it. It's been like this for three months now. Can you give me anything for it?''The woman looks thoughtful, and says, ''Hold on, I'll go in back and ask my sister.''After a couple of minutes she returns and says, ''We'll give you half of the business and it's profits, but that's all we can give you for it...''

Psychiatrist:1) Mind-sweeper.2) Someone who asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.Psychiatry: The care of the id by the odd.