Newest jokes

A person wanted a parrot who talked. Going to the pet store, this lover of talking parrots asked if there was a bird who was already speaking.''Yes,'' the pet store owner said, ''this bird has a vocabulary of about 1000 words plus 50 phrases guaranteed to fit most occasions.''The deal was made and the parrot was brought home complete with a cage. The next day the purchaser went back and said the parrot had yet to say a word. ''That's to be expected,'' said the pet shop owner. ''Try getting the bird a few of the toys that were here for the bird to use in the shop. It just needs to feel at home with you.'' Toys were purchased and a day went by. The parrot's owner returned and said there still had been no talking. ''I see,'' said the pet shop owner. ''Perhaps if you got a bird bath, the parrot would start to talk while using it.'' A bird bath was purchased and yet another day went by. The next day the owner was back with the same complaint. This time the pet shop owner mentioned that sometimes the bird had been praised in its training by being allowed to ring a little bell.The parrot's owner bought the bell reluctantly. The following day the parrot's owner was there waiting as the store opened. ''Still no luck?'' asked the store owner.''No. Nothing said yet,'' answered the bird's owner. ''Well, I bet the bird's just lonesome for some of the birds here at the shop.'' ''What? You want me to buy another bird!?!'' yelped the unhappy owner of the parrot.''No, no, calm down,'' reassured the store owner. ''All you have to do is get a mirror and the bird will think it has a companion.''At last the sale of a mirror was agreed upon. The pet store owner the next day opened the store and found the troublesome customer had returned ... this time with the parrot, only it was dead! ''What happened?'' asked the store owner, ''Didn't the bird ever talk?'' ''Yes, right before it died it said: What's the matter? Don't they sell birdseed at the pet store anymore?''

Mr. Smith was brought to a Catholic hospital, and taken quickly in for heart surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Nun, who was waiting by his bed.''Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine,'' said the nun, gently patting his hand. ''We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?'' ''No, I'm not,'' the man whispered hoarsely.''Then can you pay in cash?'' persisted the nun. ''I'm afraid I cannot, Sister.''''Well, do you have any close relatives?'' the nun questioned sternly. ''Just my sister in New Mexico,'' he volunteered. ''But she's a humble spinster nun.'' ''Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God!''''Really?,'' said Mr. Smith. ''In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law!''

Dr. Dave's Dental-Chair Discovery: Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple yes or no answer.

One day, a man walked into the dentist''s office for some dental work.The dentist said, ''Sir, you have a tooth I must pull, What type of pain killer would you like?''The man looked at the dentist and said, ''None, thanks, I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life.''The dentist said, ''Sir, pulling this tooth Will be painful, I suggest a painkiller.'' The man looked back at the dentist and said, ''I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life, Nothing else will ever compare.''The dentist said, ''Sir, I''m telling you, use a painkiller.''The man again said to the dentist, ''I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life, I do not need painkillers, now pull the tooth.''The dentist then said, ''Okay, You asked for it, But first, tell me what was the second greatest pain in your life?''The man said, ''Yes, I remember it well. I was hunting in some woods north of here one snowy day. Walking through the woods, the urge came upon me and I headed over to a tree. Well, I started to do my thing, and when the first part dropped, It set off a large bear trap that was hidden in the snow that closed on my balls. That was the second greatest pain in my life''The dentist then said, ''Ouch! But then what was the first greatest pain in your life?''The man replied, ''When I reached the end of the chain.''

An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman. The next day his prick turns black. He runs to a doctor and asks, ''Doctor, is this some weird venereal disease?''''Worse,'' says the doctor. ''It's frostbite!''

Rules To Live By...Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Ten Recruits had just arrived at the training camp and were lined up for inspection.''Hey johnson!'' yelled the drill instructor, '' those are the ugliest shoes i've ever seen! '' ''Yes, sir'' the young man answered.''Those shoes are really really ugly, right?'' hollered the D.I again ''Yes, sir!''''And that hair- dont they have barbershops where you came from?'' ''Yes, sir'', answered the recruit. ''So why didnt you get a haircut?'' ''I was saving up for shoes, sir!''

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.She jumped up and slapped him silly.He immediately apologized and explained, ''I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.''''Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!'' she screamed.That's funny,'' he muttered, ''you even sound exactly like her too!''

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says ''Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?''Little Johnny waves his hand, ''Me, miss, me, me!''Teacher says ''All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?''Little Johnny says ''Mas-tur-bate.''Teacher smiles and says ''Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.''Little Johnny says ''No, miss, you're thinking of a blowjob. I'm talking about a wank.''

A woman has just started to play golf when she gets stung on the arm by a bee. She rushes back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor. She asks, ''Is anyone here a doctor.''One guy, who was pretty drunk, stands up and says, ''I'm a doctor, what can I help you with?''''I've been stung by a bee.'' ''Oh really, where?'' ''Between the first and second hole'' ''Well, first of all, your stance is too wide...''

This man is waiting for his wife to deliver his first child. When the doctor comes out of the operating room, he comes up to him and asks to see his wife and baby.Doctor: I have something to tell you... Your baby has got no legs... Father: Oh... I guess it's still my son. Let me see it.Doctor: He's got no arms either... Father: That bad, uh? I have to see it!Doctor: And he's got no trunk either... No head... Actually, it's only an ear... Father: ... He's still my son, take me to him now.Then they go in a sterile room where a nurse carries in a cradle with a huge ear in it.Father: My son!!! Flesh of my flesh!!! Blood of my blood!!! Doctor: Louder...he's deaf too!!!

Yo momma so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.

Yo momma so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

Yo momma so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund.

Yo momma so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat.The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price. ''Twelve dollars for the rat, sir,'' says the shop owner, ''and an extra thousand dollars more for the story behind it.''''You can keep the story, old man,'' he replies, ''but, I'll take the rat.''The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars....following him.Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes racing to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can throw it.Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.''Ah sir, you've come back for the rest of the story,'' says the owner.''No,'' says the tourist, ''I was just hoping you had a bronze sculpture of a lawyer!''

Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common? A: The more you bang it the looser it gets!

Yo momma so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.

Yo momma so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl.

Yo momma so stupid she stole free bread.