Newest jokes

Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature? Nurse: No. Is it missing?

Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital! Nurse: What is it? Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now.

Patient to optometrist: I'm very worried about the outcome of this operation, doctor. What are the chances?Optometrist to patient: Don't worry, you won't be able to see the difference.

Woman: Doctor, my husband tells me my pussy's too big. So I'd like you to tell me if you find it unusual.Doctor: Please, take off your clothes and I'll have you examined.Doctor (shouting): What a giant pussy!! What a giant pussy!!Woman (angry): Did you have to say it twice?!?Doctor: I didn't! I didn't!

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.Doctor: Tell me about your problem.Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid bastard!!!!!

Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in? Doctor: A shoebox?

Doctor: Have you ever had this before? Patient: Yes. Doctor: Well, you've got it again.

Doctor: I have some good news and I have some bad news, which shall I tell first? Patient: Do begin with the bad news, please.Doctor: Alright. Your son has drowned, your daughter has been raped, your wife has divorced you, your house got blown away, and you have AIDS.Patient: Good grief! What's the good news?Doctor: The good news is that there is no more bad news.

Patient walks into a doctor's office. Patient: Doctor, people ignore me. Doctor: Next!

A dentist friend of mine had a T-shirt which said on the front:Let me put my tool in your mouth... and on the back: ...and I will fill your cavity.

Dentist begging the patient: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?Patient: Why? Doc, it isn't all that bad this time.Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock ball game!

This guy goes to the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news. Guy: Well, give me the really bad news first.Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live. Guy: And the bad news?Doctor: You have Alzheimer's disease. Guy: Thank God. I was afraid I had cancer!

Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news, which shall I tell first? Patient: Uhhh, well, give me the bad news first, I guess.Doctor: You only have one week left to live. Patient: Oh no! What good news can you possibly tell me now?Doctor: Well, you know that really hot-looking nurse who just came in here? I'm taking her out to dinner tonight, and who knows where the night will end!

A man went to the dentist to get his teeth checked.While he was sitting in the chair being examined, the dentist said to him, ''Have you done oral sex lately?''The man replied, ''Why yes, I did this morning actually. How could you tell? Have you found a pubic hair stuck in my tooth?''The dentist says, ''No, not quite. You've got some shit on the end of your nose!''

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first. Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

A lady goes to the dentist. In the chair, the dentist notices a little brown spot on one of her teeth. ''Aha, cavity! I'll have to drill this one out!'' says the dentist. ''Oh no, I'd rather have a child!!!'' cries the lady. ''In that case, I will have to adjust the chair first'' replies the dentist.

What do you call a depressed dentist? A little down in the mouth.

What's worse than having your doctor tell you that you that you have a sexually transmitted disease?Having your dentist tell you!

A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor people. Needless to say, this was an especially important deal, and it was imperative that he make the best possible impression.On the morning of the presentation he awoke to find himself passing gas, in large volumes, with the unpleasant characteristic of sounding like ''HONDA.'' The man was besides himself. Every few minutes ''HONDA'', ''HONDA''....Unable to stop this aberrant behavior, and in desperate need to terminate these odious and rather embarrassing emissions, he sought a physicians aid. After a full examination, the doctor told him that there was nothing inherently wrong with him and that he would just have to wait it out.Being unwilling to accept this state of affairs he visited a second and then a third doctor all of whom told him the same thing. Finally one medic suggested that he visit a dentist. Well, although he could not see how a dentist was going to be of any help, he visited one anyway.Lo and behold, the dentist said, ''Ah, there's the problem!'' ''What is it?'' the man asked. ''Why you have an abscess,'' said the dentist. ''An abscess? How could that be causing my problem?'' asked the man. ''That's easy,'' replied the dentist. ''Why everyone knows...Abscess makes the fart go Honda!'' (peeeeeeeeyeeeeeeeeew...hahahahahah)

Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist.As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his balls.The dentist says, ''Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates.''The woman replies, ''Yes...And we're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we...''