Newest jokes

Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!!! Okay, sir, you're an ambulance!

Patient: Doctor, you've gotta help me. I eat apples, apples later come out into the toilet. I eat bananas, bananas come out.''Doctor: That's easy. Eat shit!

Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything! Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem? Patient: What problem?

Patient: Please tell me, doctor, am I getting better? Doctor: I think so. But to be sure, let me feel your wallet...

Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be80. Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now. Doctor: See, what did I tell you!

Trish: My tummy is getting awfully big, doctor. Doctor: You should diet. Trish: Really? What color?

Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests! Doctor: Never mind, you'll pass eventually. Liz: But I'm the examiner!

Patient: Doctor, should I file my nails? Doctor: No, throw them away like everybody else.

Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown. Doctor: What does he call his other eye?

Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room. Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next!

Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer? Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory? Patient: What pills?

This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, ''I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?''Patient: Well, give me the bad news first. Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.Patient: OH NO! That's awful! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's... In three months you'll forget everything I told you.

Patient: Doctor, ya gotta help me. Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm. Doctor: Really! What are you taking for it? Patient (with a grin): Black pepper!

Patient: My tongue tingles when I touch it to a cracked walnut wrapped in aluminum foil, what's wrong with me? Doctor: You have far too much free time!

Patient: Doctor, is there anything worse than being old and bent? Doctor: Yes there is - being young and broke.

What's the best thing about having Alzheimer's Disease?1: You can hide your own Easter eggs. 2: You are always meeting new people. 3: You never have to watch reruns on television.

Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more? Doctor: Sell!

Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow. Doctor: How do you feel? Patient: A little down in the mouth.

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?Nurse: No change yet.