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A doctor dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates and checks him in. After he's registered, St. Peter says to him, ''Look at the time: you must be hungry! Heaven Cafeteria is serving lunch, why don't you get yourself something to eat?''The doctor goes to the cafeteria and notices the long line. He immediately cuts in at the front, only to hear loud protests. ''I'm a doctor'' he says, ''I'm a busy man, I don't have time to wait in line.''The others say, ''You're in heaven now, we're all the same here, get to the back of the line and wait your turn!''A few weeks later, waiting patiently on line for lunch, the doctor notices a man come dashing in wearing scrubs and a lab coat, stethoscope around his neck. He butts in at the head of the line and no one utters a peep. ''Hey,'' he says to the guy in front of him, ''Who does that guy think he is?''''Oh, that's God,'' says the guy, ''He likes to play doctor!''

Surgeon General C. Everett Koop, in conjunction with research associate Dr. Ed Bluestone of the Surgeon General's office, has compiled for non-confidential distribution a list of activities which, while not definitely linked to death or established as causative factors in any specific form of physical or physiological deterioration, have been determined through exhaustive reiteration to be detrimental to the human condition and specifically to the welfare of their perpetrator.While implementation of any of these activities is not specifically illegal as cited by state or federal jurisdictions, engagement in any of said activities could very probably be construed as a gross breach of common etiquette constraints and/or moral codes and analogs.Widespread or accelerated participation in any of the listed activities by an increasing or superannuated segment of the population would be frowned on by and erosive to all reasonable, respected, and stalwart facets of American society.The Surgeon General warns:1. Never raise your hand during a hijacking to indicate that you get a kosher meal.2. Never ask a bald man if you can borrow his toupee to clean your windshield.3. Never moon a werewolf.5. Never squeeze a parakeet to death while screaming, ''I want the name of your accomplice!''6. Never threaten to punish your Dalmation with spot remover.7. Never use a bulldog as a surrogate mother.8. Never hire an attorney who can discuss specific episodes of The Flintstones.9. Never trust an Oriental dentist who sells miniature ivory animals.10. Never ask a dog with rabies if he would like you to floss his teeth.11. Never believe your dog when he tells you that while you were out, your parents came over and drank water out of your toilet.12. Never take a cockroach hostage and expect anyone to negotiate with you.13. Never walk your dog around someone else's living room with a pooper scooper in your hand.14. Never say to a lobster before you boil him, ''Let me know if your bath is too hot.''15. Never tell an IRS auditor that if he doesn't leave you alone, you plan to cheat again next year.16. Never tell Yasser Arafat that you think Newark should be the Palestinian homeland.

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, ''Yes sir, may we help you?''''There's something wrong with my dick,'' he replied.The receptionist became aggravated and said, ''You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that.'' ''Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,'' he said.''We do not use language like that here,'' she said. ''Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever.''The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered.The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, ''Yes?'' ''There's something wrong with my 'ear','' he stated.The receptionist nodded approvingly, ''And what is wrong with your ear, sir?''''I can't piss out of it,'' the man replied!

As soon as the dentist asked the patient to sit down, he pulled out his wallet.Seeing this the dentist said, ''Please don't, you don't need to pay me now''.The patient answered: ''Pay you! I just want to count my money before I'm unconscious!''

A man & wife entered a dentist's office. The Wife said, ''I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.''You're a brave woman said the dentist. Now, Show me which tooth it is.The wife turns to her husband and says ''Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.''

Death: What some patients do in the end, to humiliate the doctor.

After her operation, the famous lady soap opera star was propped up in bed in her private room, as the doctor did his rounds. ''Tell me, how are you feeling now?'' he asked.''A lot better, thank you,'' purred the star in reply. ''But one thing does bother me. When will I be able to resume a normal sex life?''''Oh, that's rather hard to say,'' said the doctor. ''I've never been asked that after a tonsilectomy before.''

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, ''I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking.''''In that case,'' said the patient, ''I'll come back when you're sober!''

Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died!

Patient: Tell me, doctor. Is it serious? Doctor: Well, I wouldn't advise you to start watching any serials on TV.

Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed. Doctor: You should cut down on drinks. Patient: I don't touch a drop.Doctor: You should cut down on smoking. Patient: I don't smoke. Doctor: You should stop taking drugs. Patient: I don't do drugs.Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing. Patient: Haven't touched a woman in my life.Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends!

Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?Tom: Shhh, doctor! My dog's outside in the waiting room!

Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.

The U.S. Treasury has just announced that it will sell three new types of bonds:1. The Al Gore bond, which has no interest.2. The Monica Lewinsky bond, which has no maturity And...3. The Bill Clinton Bond, which has no principal.

Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! Little Tommy's swallowed the can-opener!Doctor: Don't panic. He'll be alright.Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the friggin beans, the toast's getting cold!

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble? Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say. Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

Interns think of God, residents pray to God, doctors talk to God, nurses ARE God!

Prisoner: Look here, doc! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!Doctor: I am, bit by bit!

John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat? Doctor: Cut your head off!

Mavis: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor. Doctor: Oh, really? Mavis: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!