Car and train jokes 

A man was in court charged
with
parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked if he had
anything
to say in his defense. ''They shouldn't put up such misleading

notices,'' said the man. ''It said FINE FOR PARKING HERE.''

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck

stop when three Hell's Angels' bikers walked in. The first walked
up
to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and
then
took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old
man, spat
into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the
counter. The
third walked up to the old man, turned over the old
man's plate, and
then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a
word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly

thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress,
''Humph, not much of a
man, was he?''
The waitress replied, ''Not much of a truck driver
either, he just
backed his big-rig over three motorcycles.''

As a
senior citizen was driving down
the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering,
he heard his wife's
voice urgently warning him, ''Herman, I just heard
on the news that
there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate.
Please be
careful!''

''Hell,'' said Herman, ''It's not just one car. It's
hundreds of
them!''

An Irish
priest and a Rabbi get into
a car accident. They both get out of their
cars and stumble over to
the side of the road. The Rabbi says, ''Oy vey!
What a wreck!'' The
priest asks him, ''Are you all right, Rabbi?'' The
Rabbi responds,
''Just a little shaken.'' The priest pulls a flask of
whiskey from his
coat and says, ''Here, drink some of this it will calm
your nerves.''
The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says,
''Well, what
are we going to tell the police?'' ''Well,'' the priest
says, ''I
don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be
tellin'
them I wasn't the one drinkin'.''

Kelly was standing in front of Cohan's

Tavern when he saw a driverless car rolling slowly down the street.
He
ran to the car, jumped in, and pulled on the emergency brake
with a
jerk.

Kelly got out and very proudly said to the man
approaching him, ''I
stopped it!''

''I know, you idiot!'' said
the man. ''I was pushing it!''

A man is driving along in the Irish
countryside, when he
comes to a petrol station, since he's in need of
petrol, the man decides
to stop. He says to the attendant at the
station, ''Fill it up, will
you?''. The man says ''Sorry - we're right
out of petrol.'' So the man
considers, and says ''Well, I'm a bit low
on oil, would you mind
topping that up?'' And the attendant
responds''Sorry, but no oil either.''
The man thinks, and asks the attendant
to wash his windscreen, to which
he gets the by-now predictable
response that he can't do that. The man
at this point is fairly mad,
so he asks the attendant ''Just what kind
of petrol station is this
?'' The attendant then looks both ways, and
very carefully whispers
to the man ''To tell you the truth, this is just
an IRA front.''


The man then says ''Well, in that case, you can blow up the tyres

!''

One day there was a family driving in the
car to Michigan to
visit their relatives. They were looking for the
street they had to turn on
to get to their relatives house. They
accedently turned on the wrong
street so they had to pull in a
driveway and turn around. When they
pulled into the driveway the girl
asked her mother ''Why dont these people
have electricity?'' Very
confused the mother said, ''Wut are u talking
about?'' The girl quickly
replied, ''Well, the sign back there said NO
OUTLET!''

Q: Who has the right of
way when
four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up
truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying,
''Guns don't
kill people. I do.''

A young man comes home and says ''Dad,

just got my driver's license and would like to use the family
car.''

Father replies, :''O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good
grades
in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and
cut your
hair. Come back in a few months and then we'll
see.''

Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with

his report card in his hand. ''Dad, I got great marks on my report
card.
I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is
always
ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?''

Father
replies, ''That's all true, but son you didn't cut your

hair.''

Son says, ''But, dad, Jesus had long hair.''

Father replies,
''Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked
everywhere he
went.''

A man goes out and buys the best
car
available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the

best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He

takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An
old
man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next
to him.

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the
car and asks
''What kind of car ya got there, sonny?''.

The
dude replies ''A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000.''

''That's
a lotta money!'' says the old man, shocked. ''Why does it
cost so
much?''

''Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!'' states the
cool dude
proudly.

The old man asks ''Can I take a look
inside?''

''Sure'' replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his
head in the window and looks around. Leaning
back on his moped, the
old man says ''That's a pretty nice car,
alright!''

Just
then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man

what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer

reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror.
It
seems to be getting closer!

Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh!
Something whips by him! Going maybe three
times as fast!

The
guy wonders ''what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo

BeepBeeP?'' Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward
him.

Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man

on the moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a

Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview
mirror!

WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car,

demolishing the rear end.

The guy jumps out and discovers it
is the old man! Of course, the moped
and the old man are hurting for
certain. The guy runs up to the dying
old man and asks ''You'
re hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for
you?''

The old
man replies ''Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view
mirror on
your car!''

While driving along the back roads of a
small town, two
truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read
CLEARANCE 11'3.''

They got out and measured their rig, which was
12'4.''

''What do you think?'' one asked the other.

The
driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. ''Not a
cop in
sight. Let's take a chance!''

It had been snowing for
hours when
an announcement came over the intercom: ''Will the students
who are
parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may

being plowing.'' Twenty minutes later there was another announcement:

''Will the nine hundred students who went to move fourteen cars return

to class.''

Q: What is the difference
between a
flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic

light?
A: The color.

Q: When driving through fog, what

should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of
having an
accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.

Q: What changes would occur in your

lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be
forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian
is crossing
the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license
plate.

Q: How do you deal with heavy
traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy

traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

A driver tucked this note under the

windshield wiper of his automobile. ''I've circled the block for 20
minutes.
I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll
lose my
job. Forgive us our trespasses.''

When he came back
he found a parking ticket and this note: ''I've
circled the block
for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll
lose my job.
Lead us not into temptation.''