Mom/Dad Jokes 

|For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.''Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?''

|The following is a true story written by an educational psychologist and her experience on a plane.On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist.The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston.Then she inquired what I did for a living.I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice. Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, ''If there's anything you want to know, just ask me.''

|Great truths about life that adults have learnedRaising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. There is always alot to be thankful for if you take the time to look. For example: I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due. The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires. Families are like fudge....mostly sweet, with a few nuts. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy. My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely. If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

|A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. ''Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?'' she asked. ''Well, no,'' answered the puzzled homeowner. ''But I have a wife and eleven children.'' ''Is that a record?'' she inquired. ''I don't think so,'' replied the man, ''but it's as close as I want to get.''

|Kids can sometimes ask the toughest questions.Son: Father, Can I ask you a question?Father: Ok ask.Son: When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor.Father: !!!??????!!!

|For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, ''Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?''Tommy burst into tears and confessed, ''I think Mommy ate it!''

|Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, ''Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins.''''What a coincidence!'' the man said with some obvious pride. ''I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.''The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, ''You, sir, are the father of triplets.''''Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence,'' he answered. ''I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down.''An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply.''Don't tell me another coincidence?'' asked the nurse.After finally regaining his composure, he said, ''I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel.''After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.The nurse asked, ''Sir, are you all right?''''Yes'' says the man, ''I'm o.k. now. I just had a shocking thought. I work at the 7-11 Store.''

|Things My Mother Taught MeMy Mother taught me LOGIC...''If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me.'' My Mother taught me MEDICINE...''If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way.'' My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...''If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!'' My Mother taught me ESP...''Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?'' My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...''What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!'' My Mother taught me HUMOR...''When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'' My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...''If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up. My mother taught me about GENETICS...''You are just like your father!'' My mother taught me about my ROOTS...''Do you think you were born in a barn?'' My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...''When you get to be my age, you will understand.'' My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...''Just wait until your father gets home.'' My mother taught me about RECEIVING...You are going to get it when we get home. and my all time favorite thing - JUSTICE...''One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like.''

|The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.''Everyone knows,'' the mother lectured him, ''that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool.'' ''Oh really?'' said the lifeguard, ''from the diving board!?!?''

|A Teenager is... A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number. A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast. A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday. Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room. A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed. A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license. A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study. An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes. A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud. A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother. A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert. A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week. A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off. A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing. An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.

|The following is a true story.There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn't stop sucking his thumb, he'd get fat.Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, ''Ah, ha! I know what you've been doing!''

|A woman got on a bus holding a baby.The bus driver said: ''That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen.''In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.''The bus driver insulted me,'' she fumed.The man sympathized and said: ''Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers.''''You're right,'' she said. ''I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.''''That's a good idea,'' the man said. ''Here, let me hold your monkey.''

|A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her ''no.'' The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, ''Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long.'' He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, ''There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out.'' The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, ''Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap.'' The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. ''I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen...'' The mother broke in, ''My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen.''

|Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions. 9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun? 8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain ''up yours'' attitude ... I like that. 7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY. 6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son? 5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party. 4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks. 3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall. 2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend. 1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.

|There was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her brother.When the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he wasn't a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something absurd or stupid.When she saw her brother she asked him about the twins.He said, ''The first one was a girl.''The mother: ''What did you name her?!?''Brother: ''Denise!''The Mom: ''Oh, wow, that's not bad! What about the second one?''Brother: ''The second one was a boy.''The Mom: ''Oh, and what did you name him?''Brother: ''Denephew.''

|A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.''Hit him again,'' the 5-year-old said. ''He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!''

|The Evolution of Mom Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first: Your Clothes - 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy. 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible. 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes. The Baby's Name - 1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites. 2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you. 3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect! Preparing for the Birth - 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously. 2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing. 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month. The Layette - 1st baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau. 2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains. 3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they? Worries - 1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick up the baby. 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn. 3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing. Activities - 1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour. 2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics. 3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner. Going Out - 1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times. 2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached. 3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood. At Home - 1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby. 2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby. 3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

|Mom's Brownies RecipeRemove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375. Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan. Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr ''no, no.'' Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards. Measure 1/3 cup cocoa. Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat. Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail. Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour. Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation. Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill. Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well. Let cat out of refrigerator. Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan. Bake 25 minutes. Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away. Frosting Mix the following in saucepan: 1 cup sugar 1 oz unsweetened chocolate 1/4 cup margarine Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far away. Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Jr in playpen. Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes. Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet. Tie Billy to clothesline. Remove burned brownies from oven

|Are You Ready for Children?Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.) Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage. Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside. Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor. Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time. Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

|...This reminds me of something yesterday at work. A colleague was relating a conversation he had with his young daughter, just a bit over 2 years old. They were discussing geography and...''Where does mommy live?''''Minneapolis.''''Where does grandma live?''''Baltimore.''''Where does grandpa live?''''Baltimore.''''And where does daddy live?''''At work!''Needless to say, he took the morning off that next day...