Ethnical Jokes 

|There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce, and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

|Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example, observe the following examples below.The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means ''bite the wax tadpole'' or ''female horse stuffed with wax'' depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, ''ko-kou-ko-le,'' which can be loosely translated as ''happiness in the mouth.''In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan ''Come alive with the Pepsi Generation'' came out as ''Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead.''Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan ''finger-lickin' good'' came out as ''eat your fingers off.''The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, ''Salem - Feeling Free,'' got translated in the Japanese market into ''When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty.''When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that ''no va'' means ''it won't go.'' After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say ''It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you.'' However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word ''embarazar'' meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that ''It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.''An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired ''I Saw the Pope'' in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed ''I Saw the Potato.''Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

|Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad. Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates. Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job. Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it ''English''.Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it ''English''.Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.Aussies: Add ''G'day'', ''mate'' and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to be cool.Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.Americans: Drink weak, bad-tasting beer.Canadians: Drink strong, bad-tasting beer.Brits: Drink warm, bad-tasting beer.Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it. Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect. Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

|An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says '' We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive''The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers ''God Save The Queen'' and jumps.The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers ''Viva La France'' and he also jumps.This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers ''Remember the Alamo'' and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

|Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.1. The bandage was wound around the wound.2. The farm was used to produce produce.3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.4. We must polish the Polish furniture.5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.10. I did not object to the object.11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.13. They were too close to the door to close it.14. The buck does funny things when does are present.15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

|Did you know that ''verb'' is a noun? How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can't spell them? If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know? If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren't two houses hice? If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue? If you've read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn't this also mean that you would have to ''member'' somebody in order to remember them? In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same? Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable? Is there another word for a synonym? Shouldn't there be a shorter word for ''monosyllabic''? What is another word for ''thesaurus''? Where do swear words come from? Why can't you make another word using all the letters in ''anagram''? Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? Why do people use the word ''irregardless''? Why do some people type ''cool'' as ''kewl?'' Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? Why do we say something's out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works? Why does ''cleave'' mean both split apart and stick together? Why does ''slow down'' and ''slow up'' mean the same thing? Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing? Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize two women living under one roof? Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug? Why doesn't ''onomatopoeia'' sound like what it is? Why don't we say ''why'' instead of ''how come''? Why is ''crazy man'' an insult, while to insert a comma and say ''Crazy, man!'' is a compliment? Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites? Why is abbreviation such a long word? Why is dyslexic so hard to spell? Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC? Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple? Why is it that the word ''gullible'' isn't in the dictionary? Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital? Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese? Why isn't ''palindrome'' spelled the same way backwards? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

|WORLD FAMOUS SOUTHERN TALKBECOME A NATIVE SOUTHERNERHow to talk native SOUTHERN in one easy lessonAig - What a hen laysAints - He's got aints in his paintsPaints - What cha put on your laigs of a morninArn - Ma's tard of arninBag - He bagged her to marry himBobbed - A bobbed wire fenceBresh - He had a bresh with the law, and the law won.Bub - the light bub burned outCheer - What you set inCrick - A small streamClum - He sure clum that tree fastern any 'coonChiny - country over in AsiaChuch duds - Sunday go-to-meetin clothesCore - He got hisself a new Ford coreCyow - Animal on FarmDeppity - He helps out the shurfDribbed - He dribbed milk on his shirtDainz - Satidy night socialEllum - A graceful treeFanger - What you put your rang onFaince - Whats round the hawg lotFar - What get the brandin arn hotFurred - He got furred from his jobFlar - A rose is a purdy flarFrash - Them aigs ain't frashFuriners - All non-'bamansFurther - Hits ten miles further to townGrain - She was grain with envyHail - Where bad folks goHep - Poor George, he can't hep it, he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.Hern - It aint hern, it's his'nHilbilly - People in the next countyHollar - Whats between the hillsHard - Got a brend new hardhand Tar - His core blew a tarLaymun - A sour fruitLaig - Most folks have two of themLather - What you climb upLiberry - Where you go to check out books for larnin Mailk - what you get from cyowsMere - What you see your self inMinners - Live baitMisrus - Married WomanNar - Opposite of wideNayk - Your head sets on itNup - NoOrrel - Them hinges need orrelOrmy - What the sojers go inPank - A light red colorParch - Sit out on the parch and watch the grass growPetition - What separate the roomsPoke - A paper bag or sackPokey - What the shurf and deppity puts crimnals in PokeSalit - A green vegetablePuppet - What the preacher is inPurdy - She is purdy as a pitcherPurt near - Almost; he purt near caught that greased pigRang - You wear it on your fangerRut - That there tree sure has long rutsRah cheer - I was born rah cheer in townRainch - A big cow farmRat - Do it rat now!Rench - Rench the soap yourselfRoont - She plum roont her shoesSalary - A stringy vegetableSoardeens - Small canned fishShar - A light rainGully Worsher - A medium heavy rainToad strangler - A heavy rain SodyPop - A soft drinkSprang - Water out'n the groundShurf - The Shurf put Clem in jailStorch - This here aprn has to much storch in itSkeered - that plumb skeered me to deathThanks - He shore thanks he's smartTho - Tho me the ballThoat - I shore got a sore thoatWar - A bobbed war fanceWorsh - Go worsh your faceWarter - What you worsh your face inYurp - A continent overseas

|Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, ''Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser.''''Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.''Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. ''I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care.'' The second Englishman remarked, ''You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn.'' So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, ''Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!''''Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.''Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. ''You're right. He's unshakable!''The third Englishman remarked, ''Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch.'' So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, ''I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!''''Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me.''

|A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says ''Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now.'' The mexican man pleads with them, ''No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!'' The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says ''Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence''. The Mexican man of course agrees. The Border Patrol Agent tells him, ''The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence.'' The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, ''Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?''

|For more than 30 years, New York magazine has run a contest in which contestants take a well-known foreign language expression, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new expression. Here are some favorites.Harlez-vous fran硩s?CAN YOU DRIVE A FRENCH MOTOCYCLE? Cogito Eggo Sum.I THINK; THEREFORE I AM A WAFFLE. Rigor morris.THE CAT IS DEAD.Repondez-vous s'il vous plaid.HONK IF YOU'RE SCOTTISH. Que sera serf.LIFE IS FEUDAL. Posh mortem.DEATH STYLES OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS. Pro Bozo publicoSUPPORT YOUR LOCAL CLOWN. Ap賠Moe le deluge.LARRY AND MOE GOT WET. Haste cuisine.FAST FRENCH FOOD. Veni, vidi, vice.I CAME, I SAW, I PARTIED. Mazel ton.TONS OF LUCK. Aloha oy.LOVE; GREETINGS; FAREWELL; FROM SUCH A PAIN YOU SHOULD NEVER KNOW. Visa la France.DON'T LEAVE YOUR CHATEAU WITHOUT IT. L'鴡t, c'est moo.I'M BOSSY AROUND HERE.Cogito, ergo spud.I THINK, THEREFORE I YAM.(OK, more than 1 letter.) Veni, vidi, velcroI CAME, I SAW, I STUCK AROUND.(OK, another exception.)

|There were three Aggies; one crane operator, one pole climber, one guide. The guide tied the crane to the end of a pole. The crane operator would then pick the pole up on end. The climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape measure which the guide promptly read and noted the measurement. The crane operator then lowered the pole to the ground and repsitioned to pick up another pole. This went on several times when the foreman came over and asked why they couldn't measure the poles while they were laying on the ground? The Aggies replied, ''we need to know how tall the poles are, not how long''.

|A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver ''What's that building there?'' ''That's the Royal York Hotel'' replied the cabbie. ''The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?'' asked the Texan. ''About 12 years'' replied the cabbie.''12 years? We build 'em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months.'' A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. ''What's that building over there?'' asked the Texan. ''That's the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre'' replied the cabbie. ''Convention Centre? How long'd it take to build that?'' asked the Texan. ''About three years'' replied the cabbie. ''Three years? We build 'em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks.'' Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower. ''What's that building there?'' asks the Texan, pointing at the tower. ''Danged if I know'' replied the cabbie, ''It wasn't here when I drove by yesterday.''

|Facts about Americans. Did you know that . . .Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up tohigher denominations.13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring's homework.91% of us lie regularly.27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the highprices of snack foods.90% believe in divine retribution.10% believe in the 10 Commandments.82% believe in an afterlife.45% believe in ghosts.13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over 2 years old.35% give to charity at least once a month.How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends,family, and church. 7% would murder.69% eat the cake before the frosting.When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.85% of us will eat Spam this year.70% of us drink orange juice daily.Snickers is the most popular candy.22% of us skip lunch daily.9% of us skip breakfast daily.66% of us eat cereal regularly.22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.45% use mouthwash every day.22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.The typical shower is 101 degrees F.Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.58% of women paint their nails regularly.33% of women lie about their weight.10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.57% have had deja vu.49% believe in ESP.44% have broken a bone.Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.14% have attended a self-help meeting.15% regularly go to a shrink.78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.29% of us ignore RSVP.71.6% of us eavesdrop.22% are functionally illiterate.Less than 10% are trilingual.37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.56% of women do the bills in a marriage.2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up their spouse even for a night for a million U.S. dollars.20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.40% of us have had music lessons.44% reuse tinfoil.57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken creditfor doing it from scratch.53% read their horoscopes regularly.16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).59% of us say we're average-looking.Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.2 out of 5 have married their first love.The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.6% propose over the phone.71% can drive a stick-shift car.45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.12% of men never use their car blinkers.44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.25% of us drive after we've been drinking.4 out of 5 sing in the car.

|A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, ''The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die.'' The Frenchman says, ''I take ze sword.'' The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, ''Vive la France!'' and runs himself through. The Englishman says, ''a pistol for me please.'' The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, ''God save the queen!'' and blows his brains out. The New Yorker says, ''Gimme a fork!'' The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, ''My God, what are you doing?'' And the New Yorker responds, ''So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!

|Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance... Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink... Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke... Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters... Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage... Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place... Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight... Only in America...do we use the word ''politics'' to describe the process so well: ''Poli'' in latin meaning ''many'' and ''tics'' meaning ''blood-sucking creatures''...

|When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. ''And the Americans, they are so friendly!'' he concluded. ''Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, .... 'Jose, can you see?'''

|An old Indian lined up all of his 10 little Indian sons and stood in front of them.He then asked, ''Who push port-a-potty over cliff?''Nobody answered him.He then asked again, ''Who push port-a-potty over cliff?''Again nobody answered.The old Indian said, ''I tell story of Georgie and Georgie father. Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big Georgie no punish.'' So the Indian asked again,''Who push port-a-potty over cliff?''To which the littlest Indian replied, ''I push port-a-potty over cliff.''The old Indian then shakes and spanks him, for his punishment. When he is done, the little Indian asks, ''Georgie tell truth, Georgie no get punish. I tell truth, I get punished. Why you punish, father?''The old Indian replied, ''Big Georgie not in cherry tree when it got chopped down!!!''

|We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car. We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs. We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour. Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollars a year for cigarettes. We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but don't know half the words in the ''Star Spangled Banner''. We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time. We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild. We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm. In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business. We are the only people in the world who will pay $.50 to park our car while eating a $.25 sandwhich. We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it. We run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power up with our yearning power. We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.

|The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. ''When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. ''When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.'' ''That's nothing'', an American replied. ''We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.'''

|A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. ''Our flag symbolizes our taxes,'' he said. ''We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.'' ''That's the same with us,'' the American said, ''only we see stars, too.''