Police Jokes 

A policeman pulls a man over
for speeding
and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man
over he
says, ''Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are
bloodshot. Have
you been drinking?''

The man gets really indignant and says,
''Officer, I couldn't help but
notice your eyes are glazed. Have you
been eating doughnuts?''

Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to
avoid a box that fell
out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a
policeman pulled him
over for reckless driving. Fortunately,
another officer had seen the
carton in the road. The policmen stopped
traffic and recovered the box. It
was found to contain large
upholstery tacks.

''I'm sorry sir,'' the first trooper told the driver,
''but I am still
going to have to write you a ticket.''


Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied, ''Tacks
evasion.''

The Boston taxi driver backed into the
stationary
fruit stall and within seconds he had a cop beside him.


''Name?''

''Brendan O'Connor.''

''Same as mine. Where are
you from?''

''County Cork.''

''Same as me......''

The
policeman paused with his pen in the air.

''Hold on a moment and
I'll come back and talk about the old county. I
want to say
something to this fella that ran into the back of your
cab.''

The local sheriff was looking
for a deputy,
so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the
bucket went
in to try out for the job.

''Okay,'' the sheriff drawled, ''Gomer,
what is 1 and 1?''

''11'' he replied.

The sheriff thought to
himself, ''That's not what I meant, but he's
right.''

''What
two days of the weekstart with the letter 'T'?''

''Today and
tomorrow.''

He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct
answer that he had
never thought of himself.

''Now Gomer, listen
carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?''

Gomer looked a little
surprised himself, then thought really hard for a
minute and finally
admitted, ''I don't know.''

''Well, why don't you go home and
work on that one for a while?''

So, Gomer wandered over to the pool
hall where his pals were waiting to
hear the results of the
interview. Gomer was exultant.

''It went great! First day on the
job and I'm already working on a
murder case!''

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to

steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. ''Listen,'' said the

shoplifter, ''I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you
say I
just buy the watch and we forget about this?''

The
manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the
slip
and said, ''This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can
you
show me something less expensive?''

A new man
is brought into Prison Cell 102.


Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.


The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

The
old-timer says, ''Look at me. I'm old and worn out.

You'd never
believe that I used to live the life of Riley.

I wintered on the
Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most
beautiful women, and
I ate in all the best restaurants of France.''

The new man
asked, ''What happened?''

''One day Riley reported his credit cards
missing!''

A
local policeman had just finished his
shift one cold November evening and
was at home with his wife.


''You just won't believe what happened this evening , in all my years

on the force I've never seen anything like it.''

''Oh yes
dear, what happened ?''

''I came across two guys down by the canal,
one of them was drinking
battery acid and the other was eating
fireworks.''

''Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did
you do with
them ?''

''Oh that was easy, I charged one and
let the other off.''

A police officer attempts to stop a car for
speeding and the
guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping
100 mph. He
eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls
over.

The cop approaches the car and says, ''It's been a long
day and my
tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse
for your
behavior, I'll let you go.''

The guy thinks for a
few seconds and then says, ''My wife ran away with
a cop about a week
ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to
give her
back!''

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her

license. He says ''Lady, it says here that you should be wearing
glasses.''

The woman answered ''Well, I have contacts.''

The
policeman replied ''I don't care who you know! You're getting a

ticket!''

Juggler, driving to his next
performance,
was stopped by the police. ''What are those knives doing in your

car?'' asked the officer.

''I juggle them in my act.''

''Oh
yeah?'' says the cop. ''Let's see you do it.'' So the juggler
starts
tossing and juggling the knives.

A guy driving by sees this and
says, ''Wow, am I glad I quit drinking.
Look at the test they're
making you do now!''

A police car pulls up in front of grandma
Bessie's house, and
grandpa Morris gets out.

The polite
policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he
was lost in
the park...and couldn't find his way home. '' Oy Morris
'', said
grandma, '' You've been going to that park for over 30 years !
So how
could you get lost ? '' Leaning close to grandma, so that the

policeman couldn't hear. Morris whispered, '' I wasn't lost.....I was
just
too tired to walk home.''

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down
the road
drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger,
Bubba, said ''Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police
roadblock!!
We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here
beers!!''

''Don't worry, Bubba,'' Earl said. ''We'll just pull over and finish

drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our

foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.''

''What fer?'', asked
Bubba.

''Just let me do the talkin', OK?,'' said
Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put

label on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the
roadblock, the sheriff said, ''You boys been
drinkin'?''

''No, sir,''
said Earl while pointing at the labels. ''We're on the
patch.''

A man went to the Police
Station wishing to
speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the
night
before.

''You'll get your chance in court.'' said the Desk
Sergeant.

''No, no no!'' said the man. ''I want to know how he got into the
house
without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for

years!''

Traffic was backed up for miles, the police
were going car to car. When
they got to my car I asked the officer
what was going on.

He said ''It's Al Gore. He's up there
threatening to set himself on
fire! We are going car to car collecting
donations.''

''Donations!'' I said, ''How much you got so far?''

He
said ''about ten gallons.''

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The
FBI, and the CIA are
all trying to prove that they are the best at
apprehending criminals.
The President decides to give them a test.
He releases a rabbit into a
forest and each of them has to catch
it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the
forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three
months of
extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not
exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn
the forest,
killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and
they make no
apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes
in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten
bear. The
bear is yelling: ''Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a
rabbit!''

A rookie police officer was out for his first
ride in
a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in
telling them to
disperse some people who were loitering.

The
officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on
a
corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, ''Let's get
off the corner
people.''

A few glances, but no one moved, so he
barked again, ''Let's get off
that corner...
NOW!''

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares
in
his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young
policeman turned to his
partner and asked, ''Well, how did I
do?''

Pretty good,'' chuckled the vet, ''especially since this is a bus

stop.''

Warning to shoplifters: Anyone
caught
shoplifting will be beaten, gagged, whipped and tortured. Any
survivors
will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

A man was
caught for speeding and went
before the judge.

The judge said, ''What will you take....30 days or
$30.''

The man replied, ''I think I'll take the money.''

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a
man driving very
erratically through the streets of Dublin. They
pulled the man over and asked
him if he had been drinking that
evening.

''Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads
stopped by
the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was
something
called ''Happy Hour'' and they served these mar-gar-itos
which are quite
good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to
drive me friend Mike
home and O' course I had to go in for a couple
of Guinness - couldn't
be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way
home to get another bottle
for later ..'' And the man fumbled around
in his coat until he located
his bottle of whiskey, which he held
up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, ''Sir, I'm
afraid I'll need you to step
out of the car and take a breathalyzer
test.''

Indignantly, the man said, ''Why? Don't ye believe me?
!''

A police officer pulls over this guy who had

been weaving in and out of the lanes.

He goes up to the guy's
window and says, ''Sir, I need you to blow
into this breathalyzer
tube.''

The man says, ''Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an
asthmatic. If I
do that I'll have a really bad asthma
attack.''

''Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood

sample.'' ''I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that,

I'll bleed to death.''

''Well, then we need a urine
sample.''

''I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a
diabetic. If
I do that I'll get really low blood sugar.''

''Alright
then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.''

''I
can't do that, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm too
drunk to do that!''