Miscellaneous 

A sex therapist was doing research at the local college when one of the male volunteers told him, ''When I get it in part way, my vision blurs. And when I get it all the way in, I can't see a thing.''''Hmmm...that's an interesting optical reaction to sex,'' said the researcher. ''Would you mind if I had a look at it?''So the volunteer stuck out his tongue!

A well known rich businessman's wife broke her hip. The businessman got the best bone surgeon in town to do the operation. The operation consisted of lining up the broken hip and putting in a screw to secure it. The operation went fine, and the doctor sent the business man a fee for his services of $5000.The businessman was outraged at the cost, and sent the doctor a letter demanding an itemized list of the costs. The doctor sent back a list with two things:1 screw $1 Knowing how to put it in $4999 $5000 totalThe businessman never argued.

A young couple left the sex therapist's office determined to develop more effective body language.''Alright,'' said the husband, ''when I want sex, I'll rub your right breast. When I don't want sex, I'll rub your left breast.''''Okay,'' said the wife, ''What should I do then?''''Well, when you want to have sex,'' he told her, ''rub my penis once. When you don't want any sex, rub it 200 times.''

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy.Shortly after he recovers from his an anesthetic, his surgeon comes in and tells him: ''Well, I've got good news and I've got bad news for you.''''Give me the bad news first, Doc.'' says the patient. ''I'm afraid that we accidentally cut your balls off during surgery, son.'' ''Oh my god!'' the patient cries, breaking into tears. ''But the good news,'' the doctor adds, ''is that we had them biopsied and you'll be relieved to know that they weren't malignant!''

''What kind of job do you do?'' a lady passenger asked the man traveling in her compartment.''I'm a naval surgeon,'' he replied.''Goodness!'' said the lady, ''How you doctors specialize these days!''

''I'm worried,'' said the woman to her sex therapist. ''I happened to find my daughter and the little boy next door both naked and examining each other's bodies.''''That's not unusual,'' smiled the therapist. ''I wouldn't worry about it.''''But I am worried, doctor,'' insisted the woman, ''and so is my daughter's husband!''

A therapist told a woman to use some imagination while making love with her husband to spice things up.She replied, ''You mean imagine that it's good?!''

A guy went to his doctor full of anger. ''Doc,'' he said, ''I feel like killing my wife. You've got to help me. Please tell me what I should do.''The doctor thought for a moment. ''Look,'' he said, ''here are some pills. Take these twice a day and they'll allow you to fuck your wife six time a day. If you do this for thirty days, you'll finally screw her to death. And the autopsy will just show that she died of heart failure during sex.''''Wonderful, doc,'' said the grateful patient. ''I'll start with this right away.''He left with the bottle of pills and a smile on his face.Nearly a month passed. One day, while on a medical convention, the doctor passed by the patient coming down the sidewalk in a wheelchair, just barely managing to move forward.''What happened?'' asked the doctor. ''What happened to your wife?''''Don't worry, doc,'' the patient reassured him, ''two more days and she'll be dead.''

A woman went to see a sex therapist with a peculiar problem.''My husband,'' she said, ''always falls asleep with his erect penis inside of me.''''Is that a problem?'' asked the therapist.''Well,'' she said, ''the problem is he walks in his sleep!''

Some ways to make sure you get an interesting prescription:1. Ask to borrow a comb, comb your tongue.2. Take random objects in his office and glue them to the floor.3. Refuse to cooperate unless he trades his pants.4. Bring pots and pans. Bang them together when he asks a question you don't like.5. After everything he says, say, ''And how does that make you feel?''6. Point at random things and say, ''Where did you get that?''7. Complain that his chair looks more comfortable.8. Repeat over and over, ''I'm not hanging out with a bad influence, I AM a bad influence!''9. Sit underneath your chair.10. Stand on your head.11. Kill spiders on the wall with your fist. Eat what sticks to your hand and leave the rest sticking to the wall. Draw a circle around it to make sure everyone sees it.12. Never stop smiling.13. Scream every word.14. Repeatedly tell him to look at the ceiling. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the chair. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the desk, etc...15. Put your shoes on the wrong feet.16. Try to seduce him with chocolate donuts.17. Try to talk him into sitting on the floor.18. Tell him Matlock is the key to all your problems.19. Eat his books.20. Talk to his leg.21. Don't face him when he talks to you.22. Talk really slowly.23. Try to eat your hand.24. If he offers you coffee, ask him to spill it on your lap.25. Make sure you make butt-prints in his couch.26. Pretend you hear music.27. Tell him you think his secretary is really a man.28. Pretend to drink.29. Offer him an imaginary cookie.

Obesity has been getting a lot of bad press recently. Research conducted entirely by thin people, has uncovered justification for their own masochistic obsessive-compulsive, fun-killing anal retentative lifestyles.One of the great problems with research, of course, is that the researchers tend to find what they're looking for. And when they find it, they stop looking for other things. It's important, therefore, not to believe research by pressure groups that start with preconceived ideas.Examples of findings not to believe: research on the benefits of exercise by phys. Ed. Department, on the hazards of cholesterol by an anorexic and on the joy of obesity by an overweight G. P. The whole obesity phobia was started by some statistics from a life insurance company purporting to show that people who were overweight didn't live as long as people who were underweight. These were very raw figures and led to some unwarranted conclusions.First, it was assumed that if the overweight group lost weight they'd live longer. This was totally unproved. It never will be proved, as there are just not enough people to study who've lost weight permanently. [95% of those who lose weight gain it back again within 5 years -ed] [and the yo-yo effect of losing then gaining many pounds repeatedly causes a greater health risk than staying overweight. -ed]Second, it did not address the possibility that the obese group might have another factor affecting lifespan. It seems this is very likely, since the Framington Study showed that if diabetics and those with heart disease were removed from the obese group, the obese group lived longer.Let's list some benefits of obesity:Overeating Is Fun. Make a list of all the pleasures that are in this life and you'll find the list isn't very long. The one pleasure that's life-long and never pales is eating.Carrying Fat Is Good Exercise. If you believe in exercise (I don't), surely carrying around 20 or 30 pounds of fat all day should be good for you.Obese People Are Nicer People. This is not just a hasty remark, but the result of careful clinical observation. I've seen an average of 20 patients a day for 30 years. I can tell you that these people are more jolly, more kind, more forgiving and just generally nicer. Although it could be the other way round, losing weight and keeping it off, is so rare that only obsessive-compulsives are able to do it. This may be admirable, but obsessive-compulsives aren't relaxing people to be with. [I agree. Really thin and athletic people are that way usually from a driving goal-oriented personality. In short, they are assholes. -ed.]Obese People Represent Superior Adaptation. In days gone by, there were many advantages to being able to convert excess food into fat. The long winters were better survived by those with a reserve of calories.Climatic Adaptation. Obese people can survive cold better. In particular, their cold-water survival ability has been demonstrated many times.Obese People Make Better Lovers. This is a fact known to romantics the world over. Bony lovers can never compete with what G.K. Chesterston referred to as the ''promise of pneumatic bliss.''Anorexia, a terrible condition, is rare among obese people. Those who consider the highly trained athlete to be the ideal human might want to consider the greatest duration runner of the animal kingdom, the pronghorn antelope of Wyoming. It can run 95km/h for an hour. It has tremendous lungs, an amazing cardiac output and a maximum oxygen uptake that might deplete the Earth's resources. So why didn't this marvel of nature become a widespread species? Since these antelopes have no body fat, and can standneither cold nor lack or food, few survive the Wyoming winter.Think about it.

An older couple were having trouble with their sex life, so the wife went to a sex therapist and was advised to try sexercises. He gave the wife a list of them to do each day.Later that night as the couple were getting ready for bed, the husband went to take a shower and the wife thought she'd try out her sexercises. She got undressed and rolled back on her shoulders and placed her feet on the headboard.About that time, her husband came out of the bathroom and looked over at the bed and said, ''For god's sake, Mavis, comb your hair and put your teeth back in. You look just like your mother!''

A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened.The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says shedoesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist thatthe sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesn't know; it's an experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person.Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband's morning coffee.A week later, a boy walks into the therapist's office and says: ''Are you the dumb fuck who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?''''Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?''''Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad's sittin' in the corner going 'Here, kitty, kitty, kitty...'''

This guy took his nymphomaniac wife to the sex therapist for treatment.''This is one hot potato of a lady, doctor,'' he said, ''Maybe you can do something for her? She goes for any man, any age, any time, anywhere and it is just driving me crazy with jealousy.''''We'll see,'' the therapist said. He directed the wife into his examining room, closed the door behind her, and told her to get undressed. Then he told her to get up onto the examining table on her stomach.The moment he touched her buttocks, she began to squirm and moan. It was too much for him to resist, so he climbed up on top of her and began screwing her.The husband suddenly hears the moans and groans coming from the examination room. Very suspicious, he bursts into the room and is confronted by the sight of the doctor astride his wife and banging away.''Doctor, what are you doing?!?'' he asked.Flustered, the therapist replied, ''Oh, it's you! I'm only taking your wife's temperature!''The husband pulled out a large pocket knife and began to hone it deliberately on his sleeve. ''Well, doc,'' he said, ''when you take that thing out, it better have numbers on it!''

1) Never eat at a place called Mom's 2) Never play cards with a man named 'Doc' 3) Never get in bed with a girl that has more problems than you have.

In a great romance, each person plays a part the other really likes. - Elizabeth AshleyMany a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim BackusNo man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. - Honore de BalzacHoneymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. - Ray BandyMarriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. - BaskinsI feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting. - Milton Berle, when called to the microphone at the 2nd Annual Comedians Hall of Fame InductionsLove: a temporary insanity often curable by marriage. - Ambrose BierceThe world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity. - Ambrose BierceI recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David BissonetteAh Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. - BorgeIn the blithe days of honeymoon, With Kate's allurements smitten, I lov'd her late, I lov'd her soon, And call'd her dearest kitten.But now my kitten's grown a cat, And cross like other wives. O! By my soul my honest Mat, I fear she has nine lives. - James Boswell ''Life of Johnson''A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle. - BoudelaireFor a male and female to live continuously together is...biologically speaking, an extremely unnatural condition. - Robert BriffaultMy mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her. - Lenny BruceNever tell. Not if you love your wife... In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: ''I'm tellin' ya.'' This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay on Top of Me Or I'll Die.' I didn't know what I was gonna do...'' - Lenny BruceInsurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back. - Al BundyNothing says lovin' like marrying your cousin! - Al BundyOnce a boy becomes a man, he's a man all his life, but a woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife. - Al BundyI hate work. That's why I got married. - Peg BundyI just want what every married woman wants, someone besides her husband to sleep with. - Peg BundyThe only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong. - Archie BunkerIn matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved. - ButlerIf you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. - ChekhovMarriage is an adventure, like going to war. - G. K. ChestertonAn archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. - Agatha ChristieThe most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. - S. T. Coleridge

A psychiatrist, who was just starting out, advertised his clinic as follows: ''Satisfaction guaranteed or your mania back!''

How do you tell the difference between the psychiatrists and the patients at the mental hospital?The patients are the ones that eventually get better and go home!

The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a woman just passing and said, ''Pardon me miss, do you happen to have the time?''In a strident voice, she responded, ''How dare you make such a proposition to me!''The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortably aware that every pair of eyes in the place had turned to his direction. He mumbled, ''I just asked for the time, miss.''In an even louder voice, the woman shrieked, ''I WILL CALL THE POLICE IF YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD!''Grabbing his drink and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastened to the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath and wondering how soon he could sneak out the door.Not more than half a minute later, the woman joined him. In a quiet voice, she said, ''I'm terribly sorry to have embarrassed you, but I am a psychologist and I am studying the reaction of human beings to shocking statements.''The man stared at her for five seconds, then he leaned back and bellowed, ''YOU'D DO ALL THAT FOR ME ALL NIGHT LONG FOR JUST TWO DOLLARS? WHAT'S THAT?..... AND YOU'D DO IT TO EVERY GUY IN THIS BAR FOR ANOTHER TEN DOLLARS?!?!''

Top Ten Signs your Local TV Weatherman Is Nuts10. Every night, his forecast is: ''It's raining men, hallelujah!''9. Often asks anchorwoman to switch clothes with him.8. Uses expensive radar equipment to track Michelle Pfeiffer.7. ''Satellite photos'' look suspiciously like Polaroids of a desk globe.6. Appears to have the first spring robin in his mouth.5. Seen checking into a Motel 6 with a half-inflated weather balloon.4. Every night he says, ''Lordy mama, it's gonna rain root beer tomorrow!''3. The symbol on his weather map for an arctic cold front is a snowman giving the finger.2. Looks a lot like this pinhead. (videotape of Dave in his TV weatherman days)1. He's got a tropical storm in his pants.